Which Golden Globes Nominee is Most Likely to Attend the (Possibly Non-Existent) Golden Globes Ceremony?

The Golden Globes, Hollywood’s annual office Christmas party, ran into a wee spot of trouble last year when its organizing body, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, a cadre of celebrity bootlickers, was outed and then mercilessly criticized for its lack of diversity. It got so bad that NBC, which had televised the Globes since 1996, pulled the plug on this year’s ceremony. Boldly, or perhaps just idiotically, like George Costanza returning to work after quitting in a huff, the HFPA pressed on yesterday nonetheless and announced its nominees for the 2022 Golden Globes. 

This, of course, would traditionally be the moment when Cinema Romantico then determined which Golden Globes nominee is the Golden Globes-iest, which is to say which person the HFPA most specifically nominated not on any kind of merit but on hobnobbing potential. That person was likely previous Globes-iest winner Emma Stone for “Cruella.” Say what you will about the HFPA, feel free, but that additional Musical or Comedy category is an eternal example of their cunning, a way to always shoehorn more celebs into the festivities.

Possible location for the 2022 Golden Globes

Of course, you can’t have a televised soiree without television. Exactly what the upcoming Golden Globes will be remains unclear, likely because the HFPA has no idea itself. I imagine them taking place in a Hollywood Hills garage, with red and white checked tablecloths over card tables and Three buck Chuck served out of Solo cups, people tripping over mislaid tennis rackets. That means the question for 2021 is not so much which Golden Globes nominee is the Globes-iest but which nominee is most likely to show up for a faux soiree hosted by a bunch of apple-polishing bigots?

Aaron Sorkin, nominated for Best Motion Picture Screenplay for “Being the Ricardo”s, I think. Aaron Sorkin is the most likely to attend the (Possibly Non-Existent) Golden Globes ceremony. Congratulations.