Who Should Be the Oscar Host(s)?

The upcoming Oscars, Rebecca Keegan reported yesterday for The Hollywood Reporter, will not only have a host but three hosts, as if making up for the last three years in which they had none, a true galaxy brain overcorrection. “This year’s Oscars,” writes Keegan, “will be a three-act show with each one-hour act emceed by a different host, according to two sources with knowledge of the telecast planning.” Keegan continues: “the multi-host strategy helps address the biggest deterrents for potential emcees — the time commitment of preparing for the lengthy show and the often unflattering glare of the spotlight that the high-pressure gig can shine on entertainers.” So, who should the hosts be?

Well, obviously they should be Brody, Hooper, and Quint, you don’t need me to tell you that. Brody will get hour one, of course, warning everybody that this the Oscar show is going to run over its scheduled time if we don’t cut performances of Best Original Song (which will not be cut). Hooper will come on for hour two and tries to use rational thinking to condense the categories and pre-scripted bits to keep the show on time until Quint comes on for over three, goes overboard and ends up dragging the show into hours four, five and six. 

No good? What about Eddie Adams, Dirk Diggler, and Todd Parker? Eddie Adams gets hour one and Dirk Diggler gets hour two (with Reed Rothchild as his Ed McMahon for both hours) until Todd Parker takes the third hour hostage.

Too dark? Let’s go the “Bachelorette” route instead. Caplan’s Gena will get hour one, because she’d be aces with the wisecracks, and Fisher’s Katie will take hour two into crazytown, and Dunst’s Regan will bring things back under control in hour three and wrap up the show up at exactly 11 PM ET (10 PM CT) by telling the Best Picture producer trying to give a speech that it’s time to go because “nobody gives a shit about your agent.” 

Still no? Fine. Then it has to be these three. That’s my final offer.