Who Was the Golden Globes-iest Nominee?

Nominees for the 2024 Golden Globe Awards were announced yesterday. That means it’s time, as annual tradition dictates, much to the chagrin of our longtime and extremely frustrated followers, for Cinema Romantico to determine which nominee is the Golden Globes-iest. The Golden Globes-iest, as our longtime and extremely frustrated followers can frustratedly attest, is not the most deserving nominee, or some such, but the nominee most blatantly nominated by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association solely as an excuse to invite them to the party. But wait! The HFPA was not responsible for this year’s nominations! In the wake of several stories linking the Hollywood Foreign Press Association with The Scum of the Earth, the GG’s governing body disbanded last year and Dick Clark Productions, which has produced the telecast since 1993, took control of the awards and went full for profit. It seems appropriate, quite frankly, finally cutting the flimsy facade that the Golden Globes should be treated like anything other than empty calorie entertainment, a TV show with famous people winning things. True, Dick Clark Productions, in this convoluted late capitalist age, is owned by Penske Media Corporation which owns several Hollywood trades which will no doubt follow orders to try and lend full throated legitimacy to this frivolous affair. But I, for one, happen to think Hollywood’s unofficial office Christmas party will benefit by a merger with some New Year’s Rockin’ Eve spirit. Indeed, while I’m a little unclear on who is even voting for these things now, much like I assume Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve is overseen by Dick Clark’s entombed brain inside the red ball wherever that sits the other 364 days a year, I assume it’s calling the shots on GG nominees too.

So, who’s the Golden Globes-iest? I’m impressed at the classification of Todd Haynes’s “May December” as Musical or Comedy to sneak in a Natalie Portman nod, there, bringing to mind Leonardo DiCaprio’s speech upon winning the Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical for, ahem, “Wolf of Wall Street.” “I never would have guessed that I’d have won for Best Actor in a Comedy,” he said. “I’d like to pay some congratulations to my fellow comedians here tonight.” But then, as this goes to show, the extra category is an ancient ploy to work in more nominees. That’s why the 2024 Globes impressively went further and invented a whole new category, one deemed “Cinematic and Box Achievement,” the capitalism category basically, like that one the Academy Awards were going to have until they were shouted down. The Globes just went for it, embracing their own tackiness. And while it allows them space to name check the so-called Barbenheimer phenomenon, and squeeze in some comic book stuff too, mostly it was a way to invite Time’s Person of the Year, the NFL’s new unofficial brand ambassador, and all-around Pop Culture Conqueror by nominating Taylor Swift’s “The Era Tours.” 

A Trojan Horse Taylor Swift. That’s not just 2024’s Golden Globes-iest, that might be the Golden Globes-iest ever. Dick Clark Productions, I think this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I can’t wait for 2025 when she gets nominated for best Non-Existent Role in a Movie or TV Show.