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Being locked away in a COVID hotel for almost three weeks in late 2021 meant being locked up in the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas which is generally my favorite time of the year; I like the weather, I like the light, I like the lights, l like how despite all the attendant hustle and bustle, it’s the one time of the year when you can sort of, sometimes, feel the world slow down. It was even more distressing being in Rome, a city I’ve heard puts on a good Christmas, but which I was unable to see, because even once I was released, I went straight to the Airport Hilton so I could catch an early flight the next morning home. At least the Hilton had a Christmas tree, albeit one tucked away in some weird, empty alcove with a single red wingback chair. And though the bright lighting and pointed lack of sound that made it feel like a mausoleum were a long way from celebrating the season in the Piazza Venezia, I plunked myself down in that chair, nevertheless, just so I could scroll my phone in the presence of an artificial holiday spruce.
At some point, I realized a door across the way was even more sparsely decorated than the alcove, a single strand of gold tinsel wrapped around its handle. If it looked like someone had been left with this one last strand and hung it there for lack of a better idea, I imagined that maybe it was someone who used that door all day long and hung it there to provide themselves this one little bit of recurring merriment, however small and futile, like me sitting in this alcove beside this Christmas tree. You take what you can get. For an American of a certain disposition, it might well be a bleaker sort of holiday season, and if it is, it is, do not let anyone tell you that there is no time to despair or that you can’t grieve in whatever way you see fit. You can; you should. But I also hope you can find a little bit of joy here and there, like tinsel haphazardly hung from a door handle, or in these, the 10 best Made for TV Christmas Movie synopses this year. (All movies from the Hallmark Channel except where otherwise noted.)
Top 10 Made for TV Christmas Movies Synopses Version 2024
9. Twas the Date Before Christmas. “Jessie invites a fake date to her family’s Christmas Olympics to avoid cancellation, but as they bond over quirky holiday traditions, real feelings develop, and she struggles to keep her secret from unraveling.” Christmas Olympics? I’m listening.
8. Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story. “Alana Higman, a die-hard Kansas City Chiefs fan and her family are competing to win the team’s Fan of the Year contest, in a process judged by the director of fan engagement Derrick.” The Hallmark Channel Christmas universe might seem to exist outside the realm of current events, but Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are so big, they have infiltrated it. Naturally, it leads one to wonder what football celebrity couple Hallmark could exploit next. Simone Biles & Jonathan Owens? Olivia Culpo & Christian McCaffrey? I think we should go further back, much further, all the way to the 1980s and Brigitte Nielsen & Mark Gastineau. Then again, that movie would probably have to be on Lifetime. Google it, kidz.
7. Five Gold Rings. “New York City painter Audrey Moss returns to her small hometown in Minnesota for the holidays and is met with an unexpected quest from her beloved late grandmother: find the owners of five mysterious gold rings and return them to their rightful homes before Christmas morning, only nine days away.” What do you think, are the five gold rings five pieces of jewelry or are they five ring-necked pheasants? And what is the Minnesota small town? I predict Zumbrota, “the only Zumbrota in the world.”
6. Hot Frosty. (Netflix) “Widow Cathy magically brings a snowman to life. His innocence helps her heal and find love again. They bond before the holidays, but he's doomed to melt.” No disrespect to Lacey Chabert, the Queen of Christmas, who stars here, but I’m not sure she’s the right choice for this material just as I’m not sure Netflix is the right platform. This synopsis demands Keira Knightley in a Victorian Era tragedy.
5. Leah’s Perfect Gift: “Leah Meyer, a Jewish woman who has always dreamed of experiencing a traditional Christmas, faces unexpected challenges when she spends the holidays with her boyfriend's uptight Connecticut family.” Hoo boy, a lot to unpack here. First of all, what even is a traditional Christmas in this context? Christmas Eve Mass and the Nativity? Or Santa Claus and chestnuts roasting over an open fire? And why does Leah want to have to experience a traditional Christmas? Can’t her boyfriend want to experience Chinese food on Wednesday December 25th? And Leah? Of course, it had to be Leah! As sure as every other Hallmark heroine’s name is Holly, or Noelle, it only makes sense it would be Leah (or Esther, or Rachel). Anyway. Maybe next year Hallmark will finally get one of these inclusive offerings historically accurate and make Christmas at the Pogroms.
4. Trivia at St. Nick’s. “When students all flee an elite university in Vermont for winter break, the locals and faculty hunker down for their favorite time of year - the annual Christmas Bar Trivia Tournament.” It’s “The Holdovers” for Hallmark!
3. The Christmas Quest. “An archeologist and her ex-husband, an expert in ancient Norse languages, are sent to Iceland at Christmastime to search for the legendary treasure of the Yule Lads. When others join in the hunt, the pair find themselves swept into a thrilling adventure as they race to keep it from falling into the wrong hands.” Oh yeah. This is the good stuff. This is the sort of stuff Paramount should be greenlighting for $20 million.
2. The Christmas Charade. “Facing another dull Christmas alone, sparks fly when a risk-averse librarian accidentally gets wrapped up with a grinchy FBI agent in an undercover mission to save the Heart of Christmas.” Lots of noteworthy Hallmark female coding happening in this one, but it’s the punctuating Heart of Christmas that really puts it over the top. Is Heart of Christmas supposed to be literal, like the Heart of the Ocean in “Titanic?” Or is Heart of Christmas more figurative, like they are saving the essence of Christmas, that sort of secular holy spirit that is the reason for the Hallmark season?
1. A 90s Christmas. “While celebrating her promotion alone on Christmas Eve, a workaholic lawyer is transported back to 1999 via a mysterious rideshare experience.” We have now reached the point where 1999 is to 2024 what 1955 was to 1985 in “Back to the Future” and, oh my god, will somebody please pass the spiced eggnog?
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