A Wholly Debatable (Un)Definitive Ranking of Star Trek Movies

Reflecting the weird state of our cinematic present, the 14th “Star Trek” movie, “Star Trek: Section 31” (is this like “Leonard Part 6?”), was released in January. Made specifically for the Paramount + streaming network, it is billed as a television movie, like “Murder by Moonlight,” though calling a movie released to streaming a television movie makes me think of the co-owner of the pizza place where I worked in high school when I asked him whether he thought the peanut butter or the jelly was more important in a PB&J: “What the hell’s the difference?” Indeed. And though I have more of a history with “Star Trek” then you might think in so much as my mom used to watch reruns of the original “Star Trek” show on the little monochrome TV in our kitchen that typically aired before dinner, I am no Trekkie, not even close, a needle starting at zero going the other way, to quote Neil McCauley, the legendary thief who probably never even knew who Gene Roddenberry was. And yet, if many others ranked “Star Trek” movies in light of “Section 31,” why couldn’t I? My list may not be valuable, nor enlightening, and definitely not necessary, God no, but it could be interesting, or at the very least, infuriating. And besides, do you want to read another Oscar take this morning about who should host or what should have won or what it all means and what in the world was Timothée Chalamet thinking with that yellow suit, or do you want to read a Nicole Kidman and Jean Harlow fan rank “Star Trek” movies? That’s what I thought.

A Wholly Debatable (Un)Definitive Ranking of Star Trek Movies

12/13. Star Trek: Nemesis / Star Trek Beyond (2002, 2016). The two I haven’t seen. That rules me out of order, I know, but this whole list is out of order. 

11. Star Trek: Insurrection (1998). I have seen this one, but I confess, I cannot recall a single thing about it.

10. Star Trek Into Darkness (2013). The main problem, as I see it, and this is true of its 2009 predecessor (see below) too, which I still rather liked, is that Chris Pine is doing a better James T. Kirk in “Into the Woods” than he’s doing in “Star Trek.”

 

9. Star Trek Generations (1994). The whole thing with Kirk and Picard just never felt right. Like Coverdale/Page. 

8. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984). Most notable for being Kramer’s favorite “Star Trek” movie. 

 
7. Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979). I always admired this one for zigging right outta the gate, but still, the inaugural “Star Trek” movie one is a little too much like 2005, the spiritual sequel between “2001” and “2010.”

6. Star Trek: First Contact (1996). I don’t have time to do the research, and I wouldn’t even be sure where to begin if I did, but there must be some sort of corollary between “Star Trek” enjoyed by non-Trekkies and John Kay & Steppenwolf appearing on the soundtrack.

5. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982). Unlike Kramer this was Jerry’s preferred “Star Trek” movie, and I can see that, but also, see #2 where I elaborate a bit more.

4. Star Trek (2009). J.J. Abrams’s aesthetic eventually wore out its welcome and exposed its limitations which means this reboot now stands as the definitive expression of his doing-125-in-a-65 but somehow holding it all together style, highlighted by literalizing a nostalgia trip, recalling a more innocent, amusing age of fan service.   

3. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989). This is insane, I know, but hear me out. Because while the 2009 reboot was very much J.J. Abrams’s movie, the truest auteur movie in the “Star Trek” canon is “The Final Frontier,” a vainglorious calamity made entirely in the image of its director, which is why I cannot help but sort of love it. 

2.Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991). Ricardo Montalban was legitimately moving as Kahn, but I confess, I prefer Christopher Plummer more blatantly having fun as General Chang. Plummer channels his character’s penchant for Shakespeare into a Shakespearean kind of performance, casting the Klingon Court in the light of the Globe Theatre, not breaking the fourth wall in the traditional sense but somehow allowing us to feel as if we are in his presence and he in ours, nevertheless. Plus, Iman as the greatest of all Kirk love interests because she brings a little diva energy opposite the biggest diva of ‘em all.

1.Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986). It is the greatest sci-fi screwball comedy ever made, and with a green message to boot. What’s not to love? 

That green message reminds me how I was recently reminded of William Shatner’s real trip to space aboard Businessman Jeff Bezos’s Blue Origin space shuttle in 2021. Variety published an excerpt a year later from Shatner’s book reflecting on that voyage, how he was overcome in “being confronted with the knowledge of further destruction of Earth at our hands.” I do not doubt the sincerity of his feelings, nor the feelings of other space travelers who have experienced the so-called Overview Effect, but boy, talk about a cosmic kind of As a Father of Daughters moment. I was struck with my own sadness at the thought of people having to go all the way to space to grasp the preciousness of Earth. If all 8 billion people down here have to go all the way up there to get it, what hope do we have? In fact, it brings to mind DeForest Kelley’s incredulous observation in “Star Trek IV:” “You mean I have to die to discuss your thoughts on death?”