Who Could Be the Next Obligatory Pirates of the Caribbean Guest Star?

Ever since the first “Pirates of the Caribbean”, way back when, which was overlong and overly lugubrious, yet still in possession of a performance so unexpectedly and genuinely magical that the movie rode said performance’s coattails and became beloved despite being overlong and overly lugubrious, turned into an elephantine box office smash, sequels were guaranteed. And in keeping with traditional sequel strategy, additional heavy-hitting guest stars have been called upon, like Chow Yun-fat, Penelope Cruz, Ian McShane, Bill Nighy, even Keith Richards, and now, in the about to be released “Dead Men Tell No Tales”, Javier Bardem. No doubt another sequel looms in the wake of “Dead Men Tell No Tales” which naturally prompts the question.....

Who Could Be the Next Obligatory Pirates of the Caribbean Guest Star?

Freddie Prinze Jr. Why not utilize the “Pirates of the Caribbean” Movie Guest Star to resurrect, a la Quentin Tarantino, certain Hollywood players who got lost along the way?

Val Kilmer. Ian McShane played Blackbeard so why not let Kilmer re-engage his Mark Twain sensibilities and breathe, say, Calico Jack to life? (Also: see above.)

Lady Gaga. This is obvious, isn’t it? If some of the series’ guest stars, like Nighy, like Bardem, are accentuated by makeup and special effects, the glory of Gaga is that she’d just handle all that what-have-you herself. You wouldn’t have to waste extra money to CGI her because she’d just wear some elaborate Gaga-ish ensemble that would make her into something like a human sea anemone and you’d be set.

Nick Nolte. For being supposed summertime extravaganzas, the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies, as suggested up above, are often oddly joyless exercises that take themselves waaaaaaay too seriously. So, fine. You wanna take yourself waaaaaaay too seriously then let’s take it up a notch. Let’s cast Nolte as the “Pirates of the Caribbean” Movie Guest Star and the thing would get so damn serious that maybe they would finally stop taking it all so seriously and make the next one into an 85 minute B-ish trifle like they all should have been in the first place.

Emily Mortimer. It is high time, don’t you reckon, that we meet Capt. Jack Sparrow’s sister? Of course it is! So this is her! Emily Mortimer as Capt. Janice Sparrow! Then, when Disney decides they would rather not deal with Johnny Depp anymore and cut him loose, they can just make Mortimer the face of the franchise.

Neil deGrasse Tyson. This blog’s official nemesis on account of his annoying proclivity for pointing out how mythical flickering images on a screen fail to resemble reality, it would only make sense that deGrasse Tyson might turn up as a time-traveling maritime historian who becomes increasingly vexed as all his views on 17th century pirates are proven erroneus, concluding with him being made to walk the plank as he shouts “But all my research indicates pirates never made anyone actually do this!”

keira knightley gazes into the distance

Anyone wondering whether or not Keira Knightley would appear in the no doubt behemothic latest installment of the behemothic "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise, the latest trailer put to rest all rumors by revealing her. Granted, she's barely in it, perched below some mountainous terrain looming behind her, gazing at something we cannot see off in the distance. And naturally it prompts the question...WHAT IS SHE LOOKING AT? I want to know what she's looking at so much that I'm contemplating going to see this movie which I would have heretofore thought unthinkable.

The principles of Bruckeimer-y detection tell me what she is gazing at is a special effect and not really there, but hey, who's to say? Maybe it's just Orlando Bloom riding a horse over the horizon. There are SO MANY REASONS movie characters gaze into the distance.

Sometimes you gaze into the distance out of hope...

Sometimes you gaze into the distance out of fear...

Sometimes you gaze into the distance out of regret...

Sometimes you gaze into the distance on account of some existential urge...

Sometimes you gaze into the distance because it's the only thing you really want to see...

Sometimes you gaze into the distance because it's a plaintive moment dammit...

Sometimes you gaze into the distance because it makes for a splendid photo op...

Sometimes you gaze into the distance because it's a Malick movie and that's what you do...

And sometimes...well, sometimes you gaze into the distance because what you see is for your eyes only...

Because in the end, as I return to this still, I realize that I don't need to see "Pirates of the Caribbean" after all. Because whatever Keira is gazing at she is gazing at with an understanding of the cosmos that idiots like me could not hope to appreciate even if I saw it through a particularly pristine set of coin-operated binoculars.

Phew. There's $15 I don't have to spend.