' Cinema Romantico: Combat Baby (Big 10 Sucks!)

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Combat Baby (Big 10 Sucks!)

"I want to be wrong
but no one here wants to fight me like you do."


This is officially my 25th season as a Nebraska Football Fan and to honor a quarter of a century pouring waaaaaaaay too much of myself into a team comprised of 18-22 year olds who I don't know and will never meet who play a sport I never even tried out for at a school I never attended in a state where I've never lived, I have decided to do something that astounded me when I thought back on it to realize I never had - namely, give the season an official Theme Song. I surveyed various options but it did not take long to find the perfect anthem for 2011.

"Combat Baby" by Metric.

Metric's here, Nebraska fans, to help us cope with this strange new world.
Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Uh, Nick, 'Combat Baby' is about a woman desperate for her ex to return because she has realized no one can give her a good lover's quarrel like he could and, damn it, that give-and-take vile anger is what she wants most! What in God's name does that have to do with football?"

Well, exactly. That is exactly what the song is about, and that is why this song could not in any way, shape or form be more perfect. My 25th season as an over-passionate fan of the Big Red is also its first as a member of the Big 10 (12) Conference. In July at Des Moines' 80/35 Music Festival I was surrounded - literally, surrounded - by people in Iowa Hawkeye garb, the team against whom Nebraska will now be annually closing its season, and I felt nothing. No vile, no venom, just indifference. Then, as if by fate, I saw one guy in a Colorado shirt, the team against whom we used to close our season, and without even considering it my initial thought was: "Screw you." And that's when it truly hit me for the first time - all our real rivals are gone.

"Ever since you've been gone it’s all caffeine-free
faux punk fatigues."

And that's why I'm here. To rattle some cages. To talk some trash. To get us all off on the wrong foot. Don't take it personally. Actually, on second thought, do.

Lavonte's comin' for ya, ya bunch of posin' pansies.
Hey, Penn State fans, that "lion roar" on the loudspeaker at your stadium is really, really stupid. You know it. I know it. We all know it. Also, in regards to 1994, it's called karma, bitch. (Or in the words of Chuck Klosterman: "Ki-Jana Carter gained 1,539 yards for Penn State in 1994, and he probably would have been a decent kick return specialist for Nebraska that year. Actually, that's not true. I rescind that statement. The Huskers could have used him at free safety.")  

Hey, Michigan State fans, your most famous "win" was a tie and your most famous alum shot himself in the leg. Also, Left Eye burned down Andre Rison's house.

Hey, Michigan fans, you never would have beaten us in '97. Never ever. Stop kidding yourselves. You couldn't even beat us when Bill "The Brain" Callahan was our coach. Also, didn't you lose to Appalachian State? At home? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Hey, Wisconsin fans, your football program was made by a guy who attended college at (ahem) Nebraska.

Hey, Ohio State fans...


Hey, Northwestern fans, Remember The Alamo (Bowl). 

Hey, Illinois fans, your coach is Ron Zook. (Note: Even Illinois fans are nodding their heads in agreement.)

Hey, Purdue fans, 87.7% of students and faculty surveyed still believe Drew Brees is your QB.

Hey, Minnesota fans, name your best football player ever. Who did you say? Bronko Nagurski? That was 80 years ago. Give me a freaking break. Go shovel some snow. It just snowed there, right?

Hey, Iowa fans, just watch this clip and then piss of from whence you came. (Wait....that's where I come from. Never mind.)

Hey, Indiana fans....no, you know what? Your football program isn't even worth the gum on my shoe.

So there. In a single sentence I have managed to insult all of you. Now....get mad! Pledge your hatred of me! Declare yourself a sworn enemy of the Big Red! Please! PLEASE!!! I invested 25 years into unhealthy malice of Colorado Football and now it's all for naught! We need to start forging new rivalries and new history and new animosity.

Not that matters in your case anyway, Big 10. We're like the new girlfriend. It may have been your home for however many years but we live there now, and we're re-arranging the furniture and re-painting the walls and putting in new curtains. Suck it up. Deal with it. You don't run things anymore. We do.

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