' ' Cinema Romantico: Glory Hallelujah

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Glory Hallelujah

George Lucas has long been a jackass. And a hack. And a schlocky director. And a horrible writer. And a money-grubber the likes of which we've never seen. But after raping his own vision for every damned cent it was worth by re-releasing it - approximately - 157 times, well, ole' George will do something somewhat righteous.

On September 12 he will re-release his ORIGINAL "Star Wars" films in their unaltered states.

Thank God. I knew I wasn't shelling out massive bucks for all his insufferable re-releases for a reason. It's because THESE are the versions I wanted. THESE are the versions before he began mucking up his own visions for reasons that make the gods of cinema weep. THESE are the versions that came before George Lucas set his sights on becoming a real-life Scrooge McDuck, swimming in all his money. THESE are the versions that came from a time when Lucas was still a guerilla filmmaker (yes, that time did briefly exist). THESE are the versions I fell madly in love with as a kid.

Mos Eisley will look like a crappy, under-populated town once again.

There will be no scene with Jabba the Hut slithering about while spouting dialogue that essentially repeats everything that was just said in the prior scene.

There will be no rings around the Death Star when it explodes.

The X-Wings leaving the forest planet at the end will merely be tiny beams of light and nothing more.

Han will shoot first. I repeat: HAN WILL SHOOT FIRST. GREEDO WILL NOT SHOOT AT HAN. HAN WILL SHOOT AT GREEDO. And therefore character development will triumph once again.

We all know why George is doing this, let's be honest. It's a bit more cash he can stuff into his already bloated wallet. But this time - and this time only - I can deal with his hunger for more "dead presidents" if only because I'll be able to get the versions I want. And, of course, he will grab more green by re-releasing the unaltered versions again 5 or 10 years now with updated sound and picture quality.

And that must be noted, too. These versions will not be as up-to-date as Lucas's 157 other versions. The sound quality and picture quality will not be on par with what we have today. This is, of course, because the original versions came to us in 1977, 1980 and 1983. We will be seeing them on these DVD's as people saw them then. And so what? Call me a purist because that's what I am. I used to watch these on Beta, for God's sake. I want the original movies, damn it - the true originals. I don't want any extras, or special features, or whatever the hell else. I just want those three movies as I knew them during the time when it was cool to have "Star Wars" Bubble Bath.

And thanks to George "Cash Enthusiast" Lucas, I get to have them.


Wretched Genius said...

Actually, the picture quality and sound quality will be THX-certified, and will probably come from the same masters as the laserdisc versions he released in the mid-90's, and will probably have a DTS sound track, as well.

The Fab Miss B said...

Well, you know that old saying "Billionaires will be billionaires!"

Anonymous said...

This attack on George Lucas is ridiculous. Umm... I mean, this-uh attackum on George-uh Lucus-uh is-um ridiculousum.

He-uh big-bad cool.