' ' Cinema Romantico: An Open Letter To Steven Spielberg

Thursday, June 18, 2009

An Open Letter To Steven Spielberg

Dear Mr. Spielberg,

With your executive produced "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" getting ready to rake in approximately $450 billion at the box office I can only assume your thoughts are already turning to the third "film" in your series. Well, worry no more, Mr. Spielberg, because Cinema Romantico has the idea for you. I would, of course, pitch this fantastical concept directly to two-time "Transformers" director Michael Bay himself but since Cinema Romantico is a noted enemy of the not-so-esteemed Mr. Bay we feel he might be, shall we say, pre-disposed to ignoring this most righteous of Hollywood-ized ideas. (Or swearing at us repeatedly through a bullhorn.) So, Mr. Spielberg, I'm taking this straight to you. Ready, set, go!


Moon Bloodgood enters her home through the backdoor. Rain pours outside, accompanied every now and then by claps of thunder.

She pours a glass of bourbon and goes to take a swig, stopping short at the sound of more thunder. Or is it?

MOON BLOODGOOD: "That wasn't thunder."

She sets down her glass. She glides to the fruit bowl at the center of the kitchen table and out from the midst of bananas and apples she removes a shiny handgun.

She slinks into the living room and to the window, peering outside. More thunder...and then another noise. A whirring noise. It grows louder.

Moon Bloodgood kicks open her front door just as three black helicopters in impeccable formation roar by overhead.

Moon Bloodgood stands on her stoop, unfazed and unsurprised.

For a moment it seems the helicopters may be leaving her behind but then....they turn, headed straight for her.

Moon Bloodgood strides to the center of her lawn and raises her gun.

The helicopters pull up above the street in front of her house as a thick rope descends from each one and armed men lower themselves toward the cement.

Moon Bloodgood blasts the first three men to emerge but men from onboard the helicopters open fire with machine guns.

Moon Bloodgood somersaults out of harm's way, takes aim and puts a bullet in the forehead of the pilot of the first helicopter in line.

Immediately the helicopter plummets to earth, crashing into the street, and exploding into a fireball of the most expensive CGI proportions.

But now armed men from the other helicopters have reached the ground and are headed in Moon Bloodgood's direction.

She points her gun at them and squeezes the trigger, only to find it is sans bullets.

She tosses the gun aside, somersaults to a nearby bush and removes a pristine AK-47. She turns on her attackers and opens fire.

The first enemies go down in a hail of Moon Bloodgood's bullets but the rest take defensive positions and open fire.

Seeing she is about to be flanked, Moon Bloodgood runs directly at her front stoop and uses it as a launching pad to vault herself up and to the roof of the house, grabbing hold of it and then pulling herself up and on top of it.

One of the helicopters heads straight for her, guns blazing, though all the bullets miss their intended target.

As the helicopter swoops by overhead Moon Bloodgood jumps up and grabs hold of one of the chopper's landing skids, using it to propel herself up and into the helicopter.

She takes out the first adversary she encounters with an expert judo move, grabs his gun and shoots down the second adversary before he knows what has happened. She rushes to the cockpit and knocks out the pilot, allowing her to assume the controls.

She turns the helicopter back around, bringing it on a collision course with the third helicopter.

Moon Bloodgood gets a sly smile as she notices a humongous oak tree coming up to the left.

As the two helicopters near each other she bails out, landing smack dab at the top of the humongous oak tree. An instant later the two helicopters collide, resulting in a CGI fireball that tops the last one.

Moon Bloodgood sits at the top of the tree, pelted by the rain, gathering herself, silently.

But then a fourth black helicopter appears from behind a nearby house, armed with guns and missiles.

Moon Bloodgood but she quickly scampers down the base of the tree and to the ground. Once there she looks up just in time to see the helicopter fire a missile at her.

She waits a split second and then performs an expert backflip as the missile misses her by the slightest of inches.

Instead the missile slams into Moon Bloodgood's house, sending it up in CGI flames.

The helicopter dives low to ensure it finishes off Moon Bloodgood once and for all but, as it does, a bolt of lightning strikes the very same oak tree as it comes crashing down in the very spot where the fourth helicopter just happens to be making its dive.

The tree takes out the helicopter, resulting in our most spectacular CGI fireball yet.

Moon Bloodgood turns and dashes off into the rain.


Bam! There's your opening, Mr. Spielberg! Now....the story. Moon Bloodgood (I'm picturing her name in the movie as being something like Skylar Olivares) was placed into the witness protection program after testifying in the murder trial of....I don't know. Someone sinister. Your re-writers can come up with that one. The point is, the accomplices of this sinister someone keep tracking her down wherever she is placed. We'll say this has happened five times, resulting in five spectacular escapes. Desperate to find a place where she won't be discovered the government turns to its last resort....the Transformers.

Yes, Mr. Spielberg, it's a fish-out-of-water-action-adventure-with-robots!!! Moon Bloodgood is placed into the witness protection program with the Transformers where she has to adapt to the robots' unfamiliar lifestyle all while helping them fight out the evil Decepticons while at the same time the Transformers help her finish off her would-be assassins once and for all!!!

Doesn't this sound like something EVERYONE would want to see?! So take it, Steve, it's yours! I don't even want anything for it! I swear! It's on the house! That's what a GENEROUS guy I am! Bring in your own writers to "flesh" it out and let them have all the credit! ALL of it! Please!

And don't send me an invitation to the premiere, either. I'd rather not see it.

Cinema Romantico

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