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Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Moviegoing: Code Of Conduct

British film critics Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo recently unveiled what they have termed the "Code Of Conduct" for attending the movie theater, 10 absolute no-no's to which all cinema patrons should adhere.

My blogging colleagues at Cinema Scream then determined everyone within our community should link up today to promote our own ideas for the 11th Rule of Moviegoing "Code Of Conduct" and since I have hard-and-fast rules about how movies should be watched, well, I leapt with glee at this wondrous idea.

Now I know Rule #6 is "No Talking" ("You're in a cinema - you have come here to watch, not to discuss") but still.....let's say you're watching a movie where the Secretary of the State and a Lobbyist have teamed up to thwart some sort of dastardly plot and for, oh, 45 minutes these two are traipsing around the District of Columbia like best pals, like Riggs and Murtaugh, and then suddenly at the 45 minute mark when the Lobbyist's back is turned the Secretary of State pulls a gun and shoots down the Lobbyist in cold blood and then the person in the theater sitting next to you turns and says, whispers, even, so that no one but you can hear, "Why did the Secretary of State shoot the Lobbyist?" and then your blood boils and steam shoots out your ears and your teeth grind and your fists clench and all you want to do is scream....


Moviegoing: Code Of Conduct Rule 6(A): No Asking Why So-And-So Did Something.


Wretched Genius said...

I have no issues with any items on that list except #1. While I do enjoy nachos at the theater, I could learn to live without them. But they say anything crunchy is forbidden, and if that includes popcorn then the people who wrote that list need to be lined up against a brick wall and shot. If popcorn is removed from the theater experience than beer and hotdogs must be removed from all sporting stadiums.

An addition to your amendment, I'd like to offer 6(B) and 6(C), which are technically covered under talking, but are egregious enough to warrant specific mention in the written rulebook.

6(B): Keep speculations about the plot twists to yourself.

6(C): If you've already seen the movie, do not open your mouth even once. If fact, don't talk anywhere on the theater's premises. Order your ticket and refreshments using a small notepad.

Nick Prigge said...

Yeah, they needed to kind of get more in depth with Rule 1. I agree. Even though I never eat it anymore, popcorn is entirely integral to the theater. Just so long as you're not obnoxiously chomping on anything, I have no problem with food.

And I also agree with keeping speculative plot twists to yourself. I cannot STAND those people who when a "twist" occurs remark, "I knew it! I knew that was going to happen!" ZIP YOUR LIPS!!!

Wretched Genius said...

It doesn't bother me as much (though still bothers me plenty) when someone talks as the twist is happening. What I really hate is when, in the first act, a person will say "I bet he's the killer!" every time a new character shows up on screen.

Hypocritically, I am still proud of the fact that I called the twist to The General's Daughter during the opening credits when I saw a certain actor's name show up. But that was at an employee sneak, which is governed by a completely different set of rules.

Nick Prigge said...

Oh God, employee sneaks are like textbook examples of everything you should not do at regular screenings. I remember the employee sneak of "Wild Things." It was like being in the bleachers at Wrigley Field.

Wretched Genius said...

Brad Dean and I spent the entire duration of the Here on Earth sneak trying to hit Leelee Sobieski's face with crushed beer cans and wet gummy bears.

Other fond memories of sneaks:

-Bucket of KFC

-Ice buckets and candy bins filled with ice and beer.

-Nerf weapons

-Brad Dean and I, the only people watching, both falling asleep for most of The Thin Red Line (we both loved the movie, but we had worked double shifts), then having to play the movie a second time to make sure we hadn't missed any mistakes.

-Employee couples leaving the theater to go have sex in a booth or other empty auditorium.

-Occasionally having the avant garde experience of watching a movie with the reels completely mixed up.

-Getting to turn off all the floor and wall lighting and watching a movie in total darkness.

Nick Prigge said...

Ah, Carmike. I do miss it so (but not really). A few of my memories:

-Those giant bags of day-old popcorn.

-Dan Valencia & I and a 12 pack of Budweiser while watching "Deep Blue Sea."

-Screwing up the reels on "The Mummy" and having to stay until 4 am to fix them and screen the rest of the movie.

-A thunderstorm knocking out power while a few of us were screening "Brokedown Palace", which I have still never finished watching despite the presence of Kate Beckinsale.

-Walking past all the people sleeping outside the theater for "Phantom Menace" and watching it, what, 72 hours before they got to (even though, of course, that movie sucked).

...and the WORST memory...

-Having to screen "Meet Joe Black" by myself, which I started at midnight before it finally ended at roughly 6:30 in the morning.

Wretched Genius said...

I was at that Brokedown Palace screening. The storm was huge. After the power went out and I left, I drove into a big foot-deep puddle in the Wynnsong parking lot that cause water to splash up into my engine and stalled my car. The water then seeped into the floor of my little low-to-the-ground Honda Prelude. I had to get out and push my car 20 feet so it was out of the water, then waited half an hour before the car would start again. Coincidentally, I had already turned in my 2 weeks notice, and that would have been my final sneak had I not later dropped out at U of I.

I, too, have never seen the end of that film.

Nick Prigge said...

Were you there? Man, I didn't remember that. We should figure out if anyone else that was there ever saw the end of it.

That reminds me of the sneak of a "Civil Action" when I drove past a car afterwards in a snowbank and thought to myself "Man, that looks a lot like Dan's car. Nah. Couldn't be." and then found out the next morning that, yes, Dan drove his car into a snowbank. Oops.

Wretched Genius said...

I'm fine not knowing how that movie ended. And I count it as one of my walk-outs, because right as the power went out I was looking at my watch and deciding I would rather sleep than finish that terrible film. I actually thought of the outage as a stroke of divine luck at the time. Then the thing with my car happened, and I was reminded how my luck actually works.

Castor said...

I don't tolerate any talking whatsoever so this is a welcome rule.