' ' Cinema Romantico: An Open Letter To The Makers Of Burlesque

Thursday, December 02, 2010

An Open Letter To The Makers Of Burlesque

Dear (Director) Steven Antin & (Producer) Donald De Line,

Not intending to see your film, I dove into Manohla Dargis's review of it for The New York Times and gasped to find her refer to star Christina Aguilera's character of Ali as a "plucky Iowan dish." A plucky Iowan dish?! Good heavens! As a native Iowan, this piqued my interest. Thus, I googled "Burlesque Christina Aguilera Iowa" and found nearly every entry referencing an "Iowa farm girl" or "an Iowa waitress" or "small town Iowa girl" or, again, "Iowa farm girl".

These, of course, are all entirely accurate descriptions since all girls in Iowa either grew up on a farm, in a small town or worked as waitresses at roadside diners where they poured bitter black coffee and called everyone "hon."  Kudos to your screenwriters! (Also, IMDB indicates your movie's only filming location was Los Angeles, CA and so I can only assume you did massive amounts of research on location in Iowa prior to filming.)

Beware of Christina Aguilera riding a tractor!
Actually, all this reminds me of a funny story!  Back in high school a good female friend and I were sitting on a couple hay bales (because bales of hay are everywhere in Iowa!  They're like electric cars in L.A.!) and she was telling me how she dreamed of leaving the farm behind and goin' Cali and becoming a cabaret singer and, so, yes!  Your plot of "Burlesque" is spot on!  SPOT ON!!!

That said, I do take one exception, albeit minor, with your about-to-break-the-box-office masterpiece.  I know Iowa farm girls.  I've drank beer in cornfields (because, of course, we don't have actual bars in Iowa) with Iowa farm girls.  I adore Iowa farm girls.  California Gurls are forgettable and deniable.  Iowa Farm Gurls are authentical and majestical. 

Xtina is no Iowa farm girl.

Nicholas Prigge

P.S.  I'd suggest to Ms. Aguilera that if she wanted to see a real burlesque show she could just check out the next Lady Gaga concert but then Xtina doesn't know who that person is, does she?


Wretched Genius said...

Some notes:

1. I've known women that hot who were Iowa farm girls. And they all moved away to various big cities (generally LA and NY). To my knowledge, the most successful is a TV news reporter in Kansas City.

2. I used a hay baler once. It then took a day to fix.

3. Iowa farm girls would punch Cher right in her fake plastic face and then spit on her unconscious body.

4. At least there wasn't a subplot about meth.

Nick Prigge said...

Oh, absolutely there are Iowa farm girls who are as hot as Christina Aguilera. But Christina Aguilera could NEVER be as cool as an Iowa farm girl and that's why she has no business playing one.

Though, in interest of full disclosure, there are no Iowa farm girls who are cooler than Kylie Minogue, which isn't a slight to Iowa farm girls but merely a commentary on how Kylie Minogue is cooler than all of us.

Simon said...

Let's face it, Christina Aguilera isn't cooler than anyone.

Andrew K. said...

Yikes, folks. Why the Christina hate?

Nick Prigge said...

Simon: Except for Jessica Simpson. She's still cooler than Jessica Simpson, though that isn't saying much.

Andrew: I didn't have any real hatred for her until she decided to make it personal.