' ' Cinema Romantico: Greedy (Or: Maintaining My Dunst Completism)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Greedy (Or: Maintaining My Dunst Completism)

Hello, everyone!!! Sunday afternoon here at Cinema Romantico's place!!! My mind is delightfully glazed off a delicious post-brunch Two Hearted Ale with my friends Ashley and Dan and so I have decided it's time to finally to take that Netflix DVD of "Greedy" (1994), the only Kirsten Dunst movie I have never seen, and just get it over with. In two hours, assuming I survive, I will officially be a Kirsten Dunst Completist.

That's Kirsten Dunst. Over there to the left.
Opening Credits: Kirsten Dunst, twelve years old at the time of the film's release, is nowhere to be found in the opening credits. Understandable. We were still about eight months away from Kirsten out-acting Tom Cruise in "Interview With A Vampire." But do you know what name does turn up in the opening credits? Joyce Hyser, a name which likely only means something to a certain sect of people known as Bruce Springsteen Fanatics since Ms. Hyser was the woman Bruce dated back during the early 80's. (Was she the "baby" of "Drive All Night?" It's possible.) In the film Hyser resembles a slightly less sinister Linda Fiorentino in "Jade", not that I've seen "Jade."

4 minutes 42 seconds: So it seems what we have is this: Uncle Joe (Kirk Douglas) is a rich, egocentric millionaire on the verge of expiring and his entire lecherous family is hoping to be named heir to his fortune.

8:30: Kirsten Dunst makes her first appearance. She does not get a line. She is Jolene, the daughter of a character played by Bob Balaban whose name in the film I forget because for the rest of the movie I just thought of him as Russell Dalrymple, President of NBC.

9:00: We are introduced to the buxom pizza delivering "nurse" Molly played by Olivia d'Abo who the family fears has her sights set on Joe's money.

9:30: The entire family sits down for an argumentative meal while Kirsten Dunst is banished to the kids table even though within 5 years she would be out-acting every single wannabe at the adults table. Well, maybe not Kirk Douglas. Although I'll take Besty Jobs over Spartacus every day of the week and you can quote me on that. Twice.

11:45: Phil Hartman's wife is being played by Siobhan Fallon which means, faithful readers, that yes! We have two ex-"Seinfeld" members in the cast since Fallon had a brief stint as Elaine's roommate ("Such a great improv class tonight"). But that's not all! Her character's name in "Greedy"? Tina. Her name as Elaine's roommate? Tina. We have now officially entered meta-land.

18:49: Okay, so Michael J. Fox is a professional bowler who doubles as the good-hearted cousin of the entire lecherous family who's well-to-do father turned his back on Uncle Joe years ago. The lecherous family members decide that perhaps if they can bring Michael J. Fox into the fold that Joe will leave his fortune to him and, thus, the lecherous family members can strike up a deal behind the scenes.

22:43: Michael J. Fox and his girlfriend (Nancy Travis) discuss his dream of opening his own bowling alley but how, alas, he doesn't have the necessary funds. Hmmmmmmmmm.

28:15: Michael J. Fox, professional bowler, misses his chance to make the Top 5 of a tournament and therefore appear on a national telecast when on his final roll he improbably hits himself in the thigh with his bowling ball which promptly goes gutter. I am fairly certain I have never bowled over 100 and, yet, I have never hit myself in the thigh with a bowling ball.

34:00: Happy birthday is sung to Uncle Joe and, yes, Kirsten Dunst as Jolene is one of the singers. "Judges?! Does this count as a line?!" The judges give a thumbs down. Damn it.

38:00: Michael J. Fox shows up for the birthday celebration just as the hapless butler attempts to break a pinata while, amongst others, Kirsten Dunst as Jolene can be seen and heard cheering him on. "Judges?! Does this count as a line?!" The judges give a thumbs down. Son of a...

47:30: Joe offers Michael J. Fox the money for his dream bowling alley, if he will call his well-to-do father and admit he was wrong and Joe was right.

1 Hour: Kirsten Dunst still has not said a line.

60:88: Olivia d'Abo is seen in a bikini for a second time. Fetching, yes, but I'm not ashamed to say I find her way more attractive fiddling with her retainer in "Kicking and Screaming" and saying things like, "You might want to slow down. There's no alcohol in that."

Olivia d'Abo (with Josh Hamilton) in "Kicking and Screaming", a film I highly, highly recommend.
62:28: Kids are seen fighting in a long shot and one of them, a girl, yells, "Mommy!" Might have been Kirsten Dunst. Unable to confirm. "Judges?! Does this count as a line?!" Judges give a thumbs down. Motherf...

69:58: Michael J. Fox has become the beast he swore he would never become in an effort to get Joe's money, going so far as to hire an actor to portray his father, except it appears Joe may have instead fled the premises with Olivia d'Abo and......oh, who are we kidding? Is Kirsten Dunst going to get a line or what? WHY THE HELL AM I WATCHING THIS?????

75:00: I haven't seen Kirsten Dunst in, what, 10 minutes? 15? 25? I have no idea.

82:00: There have been so many about-faces in the last third of this film I feel like I'm watching Ron Rifkin on "Alias." (Anyone? Anyone?)

83:00: I don't think she's getting a line.

Closing Credits: And she doesn't. Lines spoken by Kirsten Dunst in "Greedy": 0. I just watched a movie solely to say I had seen an actress in it who doesn't even earn dialogue. I think I need to seriously re-evaluate my life.

Then again, if I watch a movie with Kirsten Dunst in which she doesn't speak would this, perhaps, cancel out another Kirsten Dunst movie down the road for my official completism? Like, say, "Melancholia?"


Ashley Kuehl said...

Dude, Joyce Hyser was in Just One of the Guys, which is kind of a classic '80s movie. No one famous is in it or anything, but it does its teen girl in drag thing quite well.

Nick Prigge said...

I can't say I'm familiar with Just One Of The Guys. And while Ms. Hyser seemed very nice (she'd have to be! Bruce wouldn't date a mean girl!), yeah, probably not gonna check that one out any time soon. No offense.

Wretched Genius said...

How in the Hell are you not familiar with "Just One of the Guys?!" From 1986 through 1992 it was played on a loop on every TV channel, including PBS. It rivals "Fast Times..." for the best "topless scene that ushered young boys into manhood" moment to come out of that decade (and no offense to Mrs. Kline, but in this particular regard, Hyser is definitely the one more worthy of inspiring a couple Springsteen songs). The movie had Billy friggin' Zapka in it! How, Nick? How could it have slipped by you?

Castor said...

Ahahaha you know you are a completist when you have intentionally watched a movie from your favorite actress and she doesn't even have a line.

Nick Prigge said...

Brad: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I was raised on black & white Errol Flynn movies! This is why I've never seen so many 80's "classics"! What do you want from me?!

Castor: At least when I watch Melancholia I know she'll have lines. She will likely be subjected to a string of unfathomable atrocities, but she'll have lines.