' ' Cinema Romantico: Jack and Diane: Starring Kylie Minogue!!!

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Jack and Diane: Starring Kylie Minogue!!!

Selling point: “A feature of a product for sale that makes it attractive to customers.” 

“Jack and Diane”, a film about love, lesbians, deception, lust, werewolves, and unbridled enthusiasm, though according to Cinema Romantico’s sources does not include a scene set outside the Tastee Freez, premiered last week at the Tribeca Film Festival to, uh, shall we say, less than glowing reviews. “A long simmering disappointment,” said Slashfilm. “An unsatisfying and empty relationship movie,” said Indie Wire. “A dark romance without much bite,” said Twitch.

Eeeeeeeh. So if the film’s buzz is going to be bad and/or non-existent you have to find some other way to drum up interest, right? So then what’s the deal with this poster?

What do you notice as being conspicuously absent from that poster? Two words.

Kylie. Minogue.

Yeah. That’s right. Kylie Minogue is in this movie. And if Kylie Minogue is in your movie why are you trying to hide it? So what if Juno Temple’s playing Diane and Riley Keough’s playing Jack and Kylie is relegated to playing Tara (whoever Tara is)? It’s called marketing. Danny DeVito was barely in “Mars Attacks!” but he was on the poster, wasn’t he? Get Kylie’s face on there! Get Kylie’s name on there! Starring: Juno Temple, Riley Keough……and…...KYLIE!!! MINOGUE!!! She’s your selling point! She’s your secret weapon! She’ll get the people out in droves! She’ll-

Reader: “Uh, Nick. There’s a reason why Justin Bieber plays Madison Square Garden in New York and Kylie plays the Hammerstein Ballroom.”
Nick: “What are you saying?”
Reader: “I’m saying remember when you requested Kylie at that wedding and the Dee Jay said ‘Who’s Kylie Minogue?’”
Nick: “So you’re saying that the majority of Americans don’t simply fail to realize Kylie Minogue is the biggest, bestest pop star in the universe, but that she is also an undercover secret agent who used the filming of ‘Biodome’ solely as a cover to come to the U.S. to track down the Unabomber?”
Reader: “Should we be telling people about that?”
Nick: “Right. Never mind! End of post."


thevoid99 said...

The only reason I want to see this because Jena Malone is in it but it's rumored that she got cut out of the film.

I'd be pissed even more since the film was supposed to star Ellen Page and Olivia Thirlby in the title characters.

Nick Prigge said...

Ellen Page & Olivia Thrilby were almost in this?! Juno & Leah reunited?! Blimey!