' ' Cinema Romantico: 4 Movie Roles For Kate Middleton

Thursday, September 20, 2012

4 Movie Roles For Kate Middleton

Today in Cinema Romantico's ongoing attempt to provide cinematic posts you will NOT find anywhere else on the interwebs, we turn to The Duchess Of Cambridge, Catherine Elizabeth "Kate" Middleton, the Marvelous Marvin Hagler of the Royals, which is to say if any one of those leering paparazzi jackasses actually had to put down their telephoto lenses and face her man-to-woman she would whomp some ass like Kate Beckinsale's Selene. Which brings me to my main point.

What if Kate went Hollywood? What if she decided to make a movie? I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Kate Middleton can't act!" To which I would reply, Hey! She has 29 credits on IMDB! To which you would reply, "Those aren't actual movies! She's herself in all 29 of those! That doesn't count!" To which I would reply, that's a fair point.

We are unsure of her acting ability. Therefore what we need to do is choose roles tailor-made for who Kate Middleton is. Hence...

4 Movie Roles For Kate Middleton

1.) Make no mistake, Stephen Frears' adaptation of the fine Nick Hornby novel "High Fidelity" was exemplary. However, it was also set in Chicago and the novel was set in London. So let's say they chose to remake "High Fidelity" on English shores. The most critical question, of course, would be who could live up to John Cusack as Rob Gordon but that's not what interests us today. What interests us today is that in the UK's "High Fidelity", Kate Middleton should sub in for Lisa Bonet as Marie de Salle. Except Kate's Marie de Salle would sing "Play With Fire" by The Rolling Stones because, well, just trust me on this one. (And, by the way, Kate sang in her church choir. So just cool your jets.)

2.) "Reign of Fire 2." In 2027, 7 years after the original film, it turns out the fire-breathing dragons of future apocalyptic England have NOT been killed off, because OF COURSE they haven't. Tragically, the fire-breathing dragons have only INCREASED their numbers - increased them by the thousands - they are out of control and even twangy Matthew McConaughey can no longer fend off their mayhem. Enter: Kate Middleton (playing herself), dressed like Keira Knightley in "King Arthur", with Prince Harry's rugby team for backup. Fire-breathing dragon ass kicking ensues.

3.) A "Love Actually"-esque rom com in which the various names of British acting royalty (ah?) cavort to and fro about rainy London all at various stages of romantic turmoil. And each character, at one time or another, in the most unexpected place, runs into Kate Middleton (playing herself) who dispenses strange but sage advice that turns the tables on the fickle gods of love. She's like The Sphinx, but with a keener fashion sense.

4.) Princess by day/Superhero by night, Kate fights British crime as her alter-ego Miss Dog's Bollocks. The film culminates at London's Olympic Opening Ceremonies where she thwarts a villain's attempts to blow up the stadium. No one notices that in the 10 minutes it takes Miss Dog's Bollocks to save the day that Kate wasn't in her seat. Will: "Kate! You went to the bathroom AGAIN just when Miss Dog's Bollocks showed up!"


Alex Withrow said...

Ha, this is great stuff. I hate most rom coms, but I think it'd be cool to see her in something like that.

Derek Armstrong said...

I like Kate Middleton, topless or otherwise.

Sorry, that was unnecessarily chauvinistic in a way that does not truly represent me.

Mostly I just wanted to comment, because comments are the most indisputable evidence that a reader has actually read a particular blog post.

Nick Prigge said...

Alex: We can dream...

Vance: I'm not entirely sure how to respond to this comment. So I will say......yes?

Anonymous said...

I LOVE this! You are so right your posts are always original, Nick, that's why I always come visit and never get disappointed!

I adore Kate, she is a GODDESS! I like all your movie ideas for her, Reign of Fire 2 LOL, did you actually watch the first one?? Now, if she ever wants to go into acting I will watch anything she does. Even if all she does is just walking around in various outfits, her fashion sense is to-die-for!

Nick Prigge said...

I confess I have actually not seen Reign of Fire. But if Kate actually does Reign of Fire 2, I will buy a ticket.

It's weird, I suppose, that someone who spent all day yesterday watching college football would also be such a fan of Kate Middleton, but this is me.