' ' Cinema Romantico: Unfortunately, Michael Bay Remains Very Proud Of Armageddon

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Unfortunately, Michael Bay Remains Very Proud Of Armageddon

Since the inception of Cinema Romantico it is no secret that Michael Bay has been its official Public Enemy #1. This is because he made “Pearl Harbor”, a travesty that was the cinematic equivalent of slogging up a muddy hill in leg irons while doped up on nighttime Tylenol. This is because he is the only director living or dead who could have made a film that segued straight from a car chase to a car chase even when the theater projectionist had mixed up reels. This is because he claimed both Nicolas Cage and Ben Affleck were not “big actor(s)” until he cast them in, respectively, "The Rock" and "Armageddon" despite the fact they had BOTH WON OSCARS BEFORE HE CAST THEM. But mostly he is Cinema Romantico’s Public Enemy #1 because he made “Armageddon.”

“Armageddon” is the worst movie I’ve ever seen, and when I say it’s the worst movie I’ve ever seen what I mean is that I believe “Armageddon” signifies every single thing that is so terribly wrong about the current entity that we call Hollywood. I hate “Armageddon.” I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate it because it is incoherently edited, cluelessly structured, shot in Bay's patented Airplane Vomit Bag Vérité and filled with dialogue that counts as dialogue the way a sponge counts as an organism. I hate it because people who attempt to defend its merit to me do so on the grounds that “at least it knows what it is.” I hate this argument because “Armageddon” HAS NO IDEA WHAT IT IS!!! It’s so desperate to appease everyone in a shameless grab for box office that it tries to be EVERYTHING at once and fails at ALL of it! Mindless escapism is not the same as god awful. To quote the late, great Roger Ebert: “The movie is an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense and the human desire to be entertained."

Well, on Monday it was reported that Hollywood's Grand Chancellor Of Explosions Michael Bay was actually APOLOGIZING for "Armageddon." He said: “I will apologize for Armageddon, because we had to do the whole movie in 16 weeks. ... That was not fair to the movie. I would redo the entire third act if I could. But the studio literally took the movie away from us. It was terrible. My visual effects supervisor had a nervous breakdown, so I had to be in charge of that. I called James Cameron and asked ‘What do you do when you’re doing all the effects yourself?’ But the movie did fine.”    

Never mind that in his apology Michael Bay tossed off a backdoor brag (he did all the effects himself), publicized his apparent visual effects supervisor's nervous breakdown (cuz Michael Bay's classy, yo) and that by only saying he would redo the third act conveniently seemed to ignore his movie's other fatal issues (for instance, the first and second acts). No, he had least said the words "I will apologize for Armageddon." It was a start.

It wasn't. Yesterday Hollywood's Grand Chancellor Of Explosions Michael Bay took to his own website to clarify the matter. I reprint his statement below verbatim.

"One press writer has gone too far in reporting false information. He has printed the bare minimum of my statement which in effect have twisted my words and meaning. I’m not in the slightest going to apologize for the third movie in my movie career, a film called Armageddon. On the red carpet for Pain & Gain some reporters asked me what are you apologizing for, and I said what on earth are you talking about?

What I clearly said to the reporter, is I wish I had more time to edit the film, specifcally the the third act. He asked me in effect what would you change if you could in your movies if you could go back. I said, I wish we had a few more weeks in the edit room on Armageddon. And still today Armageddon, is still one of the most shown movies on cable TV. And yes, I’m proud of the movie. Enough said.


Oh, Mike. We were so close to being friends. (We weren't.)


Anonymous said...

I'm not a fan of the movie, but I don't hate it either. I just can't. For some reason my oldest daughter got obsessed with this film early in life. I have no idea how many times she's seen it, but they are far more than you probably consider healthy.

Whenever I think about this film, I think about her. Especially now that she's moved away from home, I miss her and I think about her sitting in front of the TV in the middle room, once again enjoying Armageddon.

Can you forgive me? Or maybe I'm a bad parent for even allowing her to see it? ;)

Amir said...

I've never seen the film and hence had never read any reviews of it, but that quote from Roger Ebert is stellar.
It'll be my personal motto for all the films hate from now on.

The Kid In The Front Row said...

Wow there's a huge bunch of negativity in one blog post! Have you ever made a movie?

Nick Prigge said...

Jessica: "Whenever I think about this film, I think about her. Especially now that she's moved away from home, I miss her and I think about her sitting in front of the TV in the middle room, once again enjoying Armageddon." Awwww, that story is so sweet I kind of feel bad for writing this post. I like that notion of a movie kind of mentally connecting a person to another person from afar.

Hey, I have an intense dislike of Armageddon and that won't ever change but I also will never begrudge anyone for liking it. If you're someone who openly adores Serendipity, as I do, you've given up the right to begrudge anyone for liking anything.

Amir: It is a great quote, isn't it? Nothing I could ever spout off could as succinctly say how I feel about Armageddon as the esteemed Mr. Ebert did.

Kid: It is a lot of negativity. I usually don't go negative to such a ludicrous degree but, you know, it's the worst movie I've ever seen. The worst movie a person has ever seen will result in a bit of negativity.

Too much negativity? Perhaps, but I often go so far overboard the other way in over-romanticizing films that I love I feel I have to offer a little balance. I also like to exaggerate for effect, and when I write about Michael Bay on this blog I kind of assume the persona of an extreme adversary.

I have, in fact, made a movie. It probably wasn't good. I have also written a movie that was made that, believe it or not, involved an asteroid. It also probably wasn't good. Anyone who has actually seen them has every right in the world to criticize them and whether the person doing the criticizing (or, more unlikely, praising) has made a movie her or himself is, to me, irrelevant.

I have respect for anyone who makes a movie. I love movies and respect the movies as a whole and because I do I will never not be honest and unmerciful in writing or discussing how I feel about one.

David Baruffi said...

More time to EDIT! The movie was edited to death! It had one edit per, ever 2.something seconds or whatever the stat is. How much more editing can he do?

Nick Prigge said...

So, so true. That hyper editing can be fantastic if utilized properly but in his films there is never any point or purpose to it. It's style for style's sake.

Rory Larry said...

I also think "Pure Cheese" liberally makes use of mr. Bay's oeuvre. You and I have both made use of the line "actually, this is as real as it gets". So in some ways, one might say mr Bay inspired you, Nick. He'll be praising himself for that in his next interview.

Nick Prigge said...

Ha! Well played, Rory. An excellent point. "Pure Cheese" exists ONLY because of the inspiration of "Armageddon" & Michael Bay. A conundrum if there ever was one.