' ' Cinema Romantico: If Star Wars Characters Could Smoke...

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

If Star Wars Characters Could Smoke...

It was announced last week by Disney CEO Bob Iger that going forward they would ban all smoking in films made under their umbrella with a rating of PG-13 or lower, which would include Lucasfilm. And because it includes Lucasfilm, it would include the “Star Wars” films. I never really thought of the “Star Wars” universe as a smoking one, but quick research did remind me that Jabba the Hutt liked the inter-galactic hookah. Funny that seeing Jabba smoke at such a tender age didn’t turn me into a smoker but then maybe it’s because he was a villainous and fairly disgusting crime lord and that scared me away.

But that’s not the point here. The point here is that really, for the most part, nobody was smoking in “Star Wars” even before ol’ Iger said they couldn’t. Yet ol’ Iger saying they couldn’t naturally made me wonder if they could who would? LISTICLE!!!!!!! (A brief note: 1. There will be no Han Solo because Han Solo was a whiskey drinker and we all know it.)

“Star Wars” Characters That Probably Smoked

Lando Calrissean. This is so obvious that I’m retroactively angry at Irvin Kershner for not forcing its conclusion. You’re telling me Lando didn’t kick back after a long day of administrating Cloud City at his mahogany desk with velvet drapes drawn to look out at his mining colony and light up a fat stogie? OH MY GOD, OF COURSE HE DID!

Uncle Owen. He didn’t smoke around Beru, of course, because she’d never stand for it. But when he was out there on the south ridge and struggling to make those persnickety condensers, like, you know, condense there’s not a doubt in my mind he snuck in a couple Tatooine-esque Kools. I know you, Owen. I know you, man.

Porkins. As most diehard “Star Wars” fans know there is a deleted pre-Battle of Yavin scene in which Porkins, sitting in his cockpit and waiting for his X-Wing to get gassed up, is seen smoking a Marlboro and drinking a cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee.

Gamorreans. I like to imagine these dudes sucking those cigs down on their fifteen minute break outside Jabba’s palace.

Princess Leia. Well, she doesn't smoke now, no. But back on Alderaan when she was just a rebellious teenage girl with dyed sky blue hair and Doc Martens and ripped fishnets? Hell yeah, she did. You know Kate Middleton used to smoke, right?

General Tagge. He’s stuck managing the Imperial Starfleet in the era of the Death Star, which is threatening to make his job obsolete, and all the while he’s got this menacing, mouth-breathing Sith Lord looking over his shoulder. Yeah, Tagge’s a two-packs-a-day kinda dude.

Boba Fett. Well, there's just no way Boba Fett didn't smoke. Am I right, fanboys? He was the baddest dude in the universe, right? By definition he was OBLIGATED to smoke. I'm sure he tilted that mask up after doing some badass thing and lit up the Mandalorian version of a Chesterfield. And I'm sure that when he did, it looked an awful lot like this.


Derek Armstrong said...

Well played. I especially like the image of the rebellious teen Leia.

Nick Prigge said...

I yearn for a rebellious teen Leia movie directed by Sofia Coppola. You figure with all the other "Star Wars" movies they're greenlighting that they could fit that one in.

Derek Armstrong said...

But since she, a princess, is the one who's pretty loaded, wouldn't the fancy Alderaan teenage girls be breaking into her home, rather than vice versa?

Nick Prigge said...

Wait, wait, WAIT!!! This has my mind spinning in a whole different direction! What if Sofia did a trilogy of teenage life on Alderaan with the Organa Family as just this kind of vital entity on the periphery that everyone knows and discusses but hardly sees? Yes? I think yes.