' ' Cinema Romantico: Hollywood: Countdown to Armageddon

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Hollywood: Countdown to Armageddon

Early yesterday afternoon, Walt Disney Studios announced that the madly anticipated "Star Wars: Episode VIII", originally slated for a May 2017 release, would be pushed back six months for a December 2017 release, putting it in direct competition with the sequel to the film that it supplanted as America's all-time box office champ - "Avatar." Upon reading the news from his Malibu throne room, James Cameron cackled, cracked his knuckles and declared to himself "No mercy."

However, in reaction to this news, late yesterday afternoon it was announced that "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales" would bump its May 2017 release back to December 2017 even though this would place it in direct competition with itself as it also is being distributed through Walt Disney Studios because it came at the behest of producer Jerry Bruckheimer who was purported to have sent a scathing email to both Rian Johnson and James Cameron that said "Mine are bigger than yours."

However, in reaction to that news, early yesterday evening Zack Snyder sent a group text to Rian Johnson, James Cameron and Jerry Bruckheimer that reportedly just said: "Mine are the biggest of all." Then a press release dropped announcing that "Justice League Part One" had been moved to December.

However, in reaction to that news, late yesterday evening Michael Bay set several strategically placed oil slicks on fire in Lake Michigan which was eventually revealed to spell out "TRANSFORMERS 5: COMING DECEMBER 2017".

Meanwhile, this morning Denzel Washington announced plans to release "The Equalizer 2", "The Equalizer 3" and "The Equalizer 4" on, respectively, Memorial Day Weekend 2017, 4th of July Weekend 2017 and Thanksgiving Weekend 2017 in order to get in ahead of Hollywood incinerating itself.

And rather than react to any of this news, Sofia Coppola calmly bided her time and sketched rudimentary plans to concoct a Kirsten Dunst-starring trilogy out of Hollywood remnants.

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