' ' Cinema Romantico: Superman v Batman Undercard

Friday, March 25, 2016

Superman v Batman Undercard

The heavyweight title fight the movie dweebies have been waiting for since at least the fourth time they saw "Age of Ultron" because it was "Age of Ultron" and they decided to see it four times before they saw it has finally arrived. Batman v Superman. Bruce Wayne v Clark Kent. Grunter/Growler v Golly Gee Whilicker. (Also, it features Ahman Green) And Batman v Superman, as it must, got me to thinking. It got me to thinking about Batman v Superman as if it were an actual heavyweight title fight, in the parking lot at Casear's Palace®, with an undercard. Because if there was superhero title fight undercard, who would it feature? You probably have opinions. That's fine. They won't be heard here, however, because this is Cinema Romantico and Cinema Romantico runs the show. So if I was promoter for Batman v Superman Live from Casear's Palace® who would I line up before the main event?

Superman vs Batman Live from Casear's Palace® Undercard

Birdman vs. (Edward Norton's) Incredible Hulk
Or: Riggan Thomson v Bruce Banner

The brood-off to end all brood-offs, with what I imagine will be more two superheroes as their ordinary selves than their alter egos, which will no doubt infuriate the people who actually show up for the first bout of the undercard and - fingers crossed! - lead to a Rocky Balboa v Spider Rico situation where the unhappy spectators pelt them with garbage. I think an ornery Keaton and Norton getting pelted with garbage would only lead to better times (for us).

(Anne Hathaway's) Catwoman vs. Tony Stark

Frankly, Christian Bale's Batman and/or Bruce Wayne was not the counterpart most befitting Ms. Hathaway's version of Selina Kyle, one that seemed to have been spirited in from a 30's drawing room comedy where she occasionally left the drawing room to go rob the people with whom she was gossiping and imbibing cocktails. But Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark? Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark is the Nick to her Nora. We would set up a lounge table at the center of the ring and two chairs, serve martinis and have them spar entirely via quips and double entendres.

The Strobe vs. The Shoveler

Both these men hail from superhero universes that are less than exemplary. The Strobe shoots lightning out of his fingers, but you never see him do it, so busy is he running his fellow superheroes' organization. The Shoveler, well, he just shovels. Both men seem more ready for a tete-a-tete, frankly, than a variation of Celebrity Boxing, but I'm sensing that when tossed in a ring and told to brawl that something lurking within will erupt, transforming this seeming center ring meet & greet into a "Lord of the Flies"-ish descent into madness. And if not, who really cares? Batman and Superman are next!

(Reader's Note: check virtually all other outlets for "Batman v Superman" reviews. There will not be one here. We do not apologize.)

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