' ' Cinema Romantico: How Will Tom Cruise Push the Envelope Next?

Monday, July 02, 2018

How Will Tom Cruise Push the Envelope Next?

In the run-up to the 67th “Mission: Impossible” film, to be released July 27th, nearly every incisive article cobbled together from press junket quotes makes sure to cite Tom Cruise’s affinity for, shall we say, death-defying stunts. In “Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol”, he literally scaled the world’s tallest building. In “Mission: Impossible – Rouge Nation” (maybe the best pure action movie of the decade), he literally hung from the side of a plane as it took off and leapt from a 120 foot ledge. Now, in “Mission: Impossible – Fallout”, he performs a so-called HALO (High Altitude-Low Opening) jump, “usually done,” Reuters reports, “only by highly-trained military professionals.” (To be fair, Cruise is a former Naval Fighter Pilot.) Reuters explains that Cruise “leaps from the cargo door of a plane at 25,000 feet – almost five miles – opening the parachute less than 2,000 feet from the ground.” Yikes. He took a year to prepare for the stunt, he explained to Entertainment Tonight, practicing in a tunnel. Cruise summarized: “We were pushing the envelope, I know it.”

And if there is one thing I know about Tom Cruise, other than his steadfast commitment to The Eight Dynamics, it’s that he will push the envelope again. As such, our question here at Cinema Romantico is obvious: how will Tom Cruise push the envelope in the next “Mission: Impossible” movie? Aren’t you glad we asked?

How Will Tom Cruise Push the Envelope Next?

Canyon Jump Across Snake River Canyon in a Skycycle X-2. Prospective director Christopher McQuarrie explains: “Evel Knievel couldn’t do it, Tom.” And as Tom Cruise himself once opined in the quasi-immortal “Cocktail”, when a guy lays down a dare, you gotta take it.

BASE jumping from the Burj Khalifa. Cruise climbed it, so why not one-up himself and jump off of it? Granted, this would be illegal, but he could film it on the sly and then dare the United Arab Emirates to do something about it. Tom Cruise vs. the UAE Government will be his greatest feat of strength yet!

Dance Marathon. Ethan Hunt and cronies are always going undercover at lavish affairs for intelligence purposes, so why not make the lavish affair in “Mission: Impossible – Overton Window” one in which Ethan Hunt and cronies must infiltrate a dance marathon? Naturally Tom Cruise demands that they film this infiltration during an actual dance marathon in which they actually compete. Rebecca Ferguson, Simon Pegg and Ving Rhames bow out. Tilda Swinton, John Turturro and Joaquin Phoenix step in. Tom Cruise wins the Dance Marathon. At the press junket, he keeps declaring between energy drink-ed cackles “I haven’t slept since we filmed it, jack!”

Climbing Everest Without Oxygen. Midway through “Mission: Impossible – Breakout Capability”, Ethan Hunt is tasked with acquiring the McGuffin which he must do, through a series of exorbitant calamities and coincidences, by summiting Mount Everest solo and without oxygen. Though the sequence only accounts for seven minutes of screen time, Cruise still trains himself into shape to film the sequence by literally summiting Everest solo and without oxygen.

Mission: Impossible – Mars. M:I7 will be set on Mars, meaning Tom Cruise will GoPro his own literal voyage to Mars, the first ever 5,112 hour one man action-adventure movie!

1 comment:

thevoid99 said...

I know how he can push the envelope even further. How about he just jumps off a cliff to his fucking death like every stupid asshole out there?