All You Had To Say Was 'Keira Knightley Stares Forlornly Out a Window'

An old Onion piece  appropriately titled: “All You Had To Say Was ‘Owen Wilson Befriends A Dolphin And I Was Sold’” imagines a Hollywood pitch meeting from the perspective of an agent who cuts off the pitch less than a sentence in not because the pitch is so bad but because the pitch is so good. “Listen—stop talking,” implores this imaginary agent. “I don’t need to hear the rest. The first half of the sentence was genius! ‘Owen Wilson befriends a dolphin and…’ And? What ‘and’? No ‘and’ necessary! Are you kidding me? I’m sold. Sold!” The agent then proceeds to concoct the rest of the movie right then. “Now, all we need to do is figure out the movie. What? You have a whole concept worked out already? Beautiful—but completely unnecessary. I’ll come up with the rest of it, off the top of my head, right now, while I’m on the 405.” This inevitably leads to the movie’s poster: “I see Wilson, the dolphin, front seat of a convertible, wearing shades. Yes, both of them.”

This piece is legendary amongst my movie-loving friends. Why just a few weeks ago, on the news site Facebook, my friend Daryl, in response to my posted “Gloria Bell” review, wrote “What do you mean ‘Julianne Moore goes dancing to disco music and?’ Your pitch meeting was over right there!” And I thought of that piece again as I sunk into the sofa and cued up the latest Keira Knightley joint, “The Aftermath.” And though the review will come, and the review will be honest and unmerciful, before the review, we have to discuss the beginning independent of the rest because, well, let me explain.

“The Aftermath’s” opening shot is an old steam train rounding the bed on some snowy mountain. A snowy mountain is right in my wheelhouse.

But then – then! – the very next shot – the second shot in the whole movie! – is pushing in on one of the train car windows where we see who else but Keira herself forlornly staring out of it. 

It wasn’t supposed to be funny, I know, but context is everything, and I have never seen a movie opening so specifically crafted to my peculiar, obsessive tastes. I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard at a movie since Rose Byrne told the story about the Bulgarian clown in “Spy.”

And that’s when I realized I could never be a Hollywood producer. That’s my kryptonite. That’s how you get me to greenlight anything. “All You Had To Say Was ‘Keira Knightley Stares Forlornly Out A Window’ And I Was Sold.’ I don’t need to hear the rest. The first half of the sentence was genius! What ‘and’? No ‘and’ necessary! Are you kidding me? I’m sold. Sold!” I don’t need to know what she’s staring at. Don’t tell me. And don’t tell me where the train is going. Does it matter? Of course it doesn’t matter. Keira Knightley is staring forlornly out a window! I’m hooked! Teeth, line and sinker! Wherever she’s going, I’ll go too, straight into the heart of melancholia, baby!