Biopic Genres for 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates

Recently, on Cinema Romantico’s favorite podcast, The Press Box, the invaluable Bryan Curtis recounted a tale I’d never heard, wherein former Senator John Glenn sought to reap the release of “The Right Stuff” ⁠— in which he was a character, played by Ed Harris ⁠— in 1983 as free publicity for his 1984 Democratic Presidential candidacy. Alas, “The Right Stuff” failed at the box office and the expected polling boost went bust. It was, as Curtis noted, the original Beto O’Rourke Vanity Pair profile. [Rim shot!] Then Curtis and co-host David Shoemaker speculated about which of this year’s Democratic Presidential candidates they would most like to see campaign through a biopic, though only briefly touching on a possible Bernie Sanders movie and then dropping the subject. And that, of course, is where we come in. What is Cinema Romantico here for if not this?

Biopic Genres for 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates

Joe Biden = Middlebrow Drama 

Drown it in soft lighting, give it a stately, sweeping score, apply sheen with vigor and those gaffes start to sound like wise platitudes.

Elizabeth Warren = Drama Based on National Book Award Winner For Non-Fiction

Not as detailed as the book.

Bernie Sanders = Coen Brothers-ish Slapstick

Bryan Curtis suggested Sanders would need a director with a kind of plain-spoken, direct, one foot in front of the other aesthetic, which brings to mind Kelly Reichardt. But, nah. I see Joel & Ethan Coen calling up Larry David from the SNL ranks and then sort of filtering a leftist version of the belligerent Walter Sobchak of “The Big Lebowski” through a “Hail, Caesar!”-ish Washington.

Kamala Harris = 1990s Legal Thriller

Despite questionable motives and dubious tactics that closing argument scene really reeled me in and now I really think I want to vote for- gah! I did it again!

Pete Buttigieg = After School Special

Predictable does not necessarily mean noneducational.

Cory Booker = Inspirational Sports Movie

He was on the Stanford team that came from 17 points down to upset #1 Notre Dame in 1990, remember, which in this context will become a metaphor for his own Presidential comeback. “No one believed in us!”

Beto O’Rourke = Rock Musical Fantasy

What if Foss never broke up?

Kirsten Gillibrand = Drew Barrymore Romantic Comedy

It was fine. A lot of people liked it ok. I don’t remember what it was called.

Jay Inslee = The Day After Tomorrow

Dude is Dennis Quaid in this movie. Everyone else is Vice President What’s-His-Face. (Ian Holm will still be played by Ian Holm.)

John Hickenlooper = Low-Budget Indie

Just a bunch of ordinary dudes drinking craft beer and talking through their problems. Shot on location at Wynkoop Brewery.

Andrew Yang = Movie Shot On An iPhone

35mm is dead.

Bill De Blasio = TNT Rerun

Wait, Gene Hackman and Dan Aykroyd were in a movie called “Loose Cannons”?

Marianne Williamson = That Werner Herzog Documentary Bells From The Deep 

You know, the one about the Russian Jesus / Flimflam Man.