' ' Cinema Romantico: What Chicago Movie Characters Would Have Worn Masks?

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

What Chicago Movie Characters Would Have Worn Masks?

The other day I strapped a surgical mask to my face and went out for a walk. Once I got the past hardly being able to see, every other breath fogging up my glasses so much I was not only a possible vector of disease but possible vector of running into someone I should have been social distancing from, I began noticing who else and was and was not wearing a mask. I’d say it was about 60% wearing, 40% not, maybe even more like 55%/45%. And as I was “calculating” this in my mind, I happened to pass Honore St., much further north than Wicker Park, granted, but still. Honore & Milwaukee was the location of Championship Vinyl in “High Fidelity”, after all, and so, since it’s me, I suddenly thought: what Chicago movie characters would have worn masks during the Pandemic of 2020?

What Chicago Movie Characters Would Have Worn Masks?

Mask wearers
Dr. Richard Kimble (Harrison Ford) would wear a mask, of course, because he was a doctor, not to mention that it would help him not stand out. (Would Dr. Richard Kimble have survived riding in the Corrections Bus though? Not because of a train, necessarily, but because in all likelihood no masks would have been issued to the inmates.) U.S. Marshal Sam Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones) would wear a mask too, and so would the rest of his team, including Cosmo Renfro (Joe Pantaliano), though his mask would have been a recurring source of comic fodder. GERARD (in halting, unamused Lee Jones-ish tones): “Put your mask on, Cosmo.” 

Barry (Jack Black) in “High Fidelity” would arrogantly not wear a mask. Dick (Todd Louiso) in “High Fidelity” would absolutely wear a mask. Rob in (John Cusack) “High Fidelity” would wear a mask but constantly complain to Laura in “High Fidelity about having to wear his mask. Laura (Iben Hjejle) in “High Fidelity” would wear a mask without complaint.

Wayne and Garth totally would have worn masks on the air to help convince their viewers to do the same though I think the sketch would begin with Garth unwittingly realized that he was now quarantined permanently in Wayne’s basement.

Not mask wearers
Dave Spritz (Nicolas Cage) of “The Weather Man” would have worn a mask on air but not worn a mask off air and then get mad at his Dad (Michael Caine) for not wearing a mask and his dad would mumble something about knowing more than a bunch of bureaucrats in Washington and would proceed to get the disease and die.

I’m trying to picture Wayne Dobie (Robert DeNiro), the meek cop, in “Mad Dog and Glory” trying to issue a citation to gangster Frank Milo (Bill Murray) for not wearing a mask.

Kate (Olivia Wilde) and Luke (Jake Johnson) in “Drinking Buddies” would be wearing bandanas for masks and staying on site to sell growlers of Anti-Hero. Respect.

You’re damn right Chris Parker (Elisabeth Shue) would ensure her young charges would all wear masks while simultaneously wearing her own mask to set a good example. Of course, she would have to write off Brenda (Penelope Ann Miller) at the bus station given the pandemic so we wouldn’t have a movie in the first place.

Mask Wearer (L), Not Mask Wearer (R)
Eddie Kasalivich (Keanu Reeves) and Dr. Lily Sinclair (Rachel Weisz) in “Chain Reaction” would wear masks, are you kidding me, they’re pragmatic, but villainous Lyman Collier (Brian Cox), on the other hand, would claim COVID-19 was a hoax solely to hoard masks and then sale the masks at exorbitant prices. Lyman’s C-Systems Research would also get a government bailout.

Eddie Garrett (Jake Johnson) in “Win it All” wouldn’t even the know the COVID-19 crisis was happening. He would wake up one day and stumble to the corner bar and find it only offering curbside and pickup service and have this confused conversation with a person through a half-open window and then these people would pass by, six feet away, wearing masks and Eddie would be like What the fuck? It would be like “28 Days Later” but directed by Joe Swanberg.

Cameron Frye wouldn’t just wear a mask; he’d wear a whole Hazmat suit. Ferris Bueller would wear a mask and try to convince Cameron to take a virtual vacation. Embittered Edward R. Rooney, ex-Dean of Students, would try to invade their Zoom chat. Sloane Peterson would WANT to wear a mask but might have some trouble procuring one because she’s probably an E.R. doctor in New York.

The McCallister family of “Home Alone“ would have all worn masks at parental order, but they would have simultaneously fled to their vacation home in Lake Geneva after buying out Costco of toilet paper.

Some, not all, mask wearers
Saturday detention at Shermer High would still go on though the students would need to be seated six feet apart. Brian Johnson would wear a mask, obviously. Claire Standish would show up not wearing a mask because Ew!, would grudgingly put on a mask, and would eventually come to learn that wearing a mask is the right thing to do. Allison Reynolds would wear a scarf over her whole face in lieu of a mask. John Bender and Andrew Clark would each try to hold out longer than the other one from wearing a mask per the code of Manliness. Principal Vernon would not a wear mask because if the virus messes with him, it gets the horns, except he would gradually begin to cough and then have difficulty breathing and then get a fever and blame it on Bender and then ditch the kids to get a test.

Eliot Ness would wear a mask. Al Capone would not wear a mask and would make fun of that nansy pansy Ness for wearing a mask and then Al Capone would get COVID-19 and then blame some flunky for being the one who gave him COVID-19 and bash him with a baseball bat.

Barack and Michelle in “Southside With You”? Those two would definitely wear masks.

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