5 Actors to Play Bond

Ignoring the present to peer into the future...

It might seem to make no sense to discuss the next James Bond movie when the current James Bond movie, “No Time to Die”, has not even been out in theaters for two weeks. But not only do tentpole movies seen through the lens of the Hollywood Telescope cease to exist after opening weekend box office numbers (this one was a minor disappointment), in this bold new modern age the current movie is never as important as the next movie, always ensuring there is something else to sell. So, before we get to the current movie, we need to discuss the as-of-yet non-existent next movie, which means discussing who its James Bond will be since the current movie marks Daniel Craig’s last outing as Agent 007 and the next Agent 007 has yet to be announced. Cinema Romantico, of course, has some ideas. And while such lists might be the dregs of the Internet, loyal frustrated followers can attest this blog is as committed to unorthodox dumb lists as it is to critical rigor and ham-handed references to the Duchess of Cambridge. Stay with us!

5 Actors to Play Bond

Rachel Weisz

Really, if we were being serious here, which we are not, Weisz would be the appropriate choice. Not just to symbolically bring 007 into the 21st Century but because she possesses the mirth, the wit, the derring-do (see: “The Mummy”, “Chain Reaction”, shooting pigeons in “The Favourite”). Mostly, though, it would be kinda funny to see the spouse of Daniel Craig assume the part after Daniel Craig departed the role with some manner of irritability, forced to irritably dangle off Weisz’s arm on the red carpet.

Timothy Dalton

Much like the Raiders American Professional Football organization brought Art Shell back as coach in 2006 after firing him in 1994, let’s bring Dalton back for another go-around as Bond. Don’t you sometimes suspect Simon Skinner was the preeminent Agent 007 anyway?

Matt Smith

I mean, c’mon. There would be something inherently comical in casting one of “The Crown’s” Philips. You thought Brexit would plunge Britannia into chaos.

Kris Marshall

Everything is TV now. So, why not turn Bond into TV too? We will remake James Bond in the mold of one of those British PBS series, borrowing Kris Marshall, formerly of one such show, “Death in Paradise”, and drop a new episode on MGM-HD every Sunday night. 

Russell Crowe

He’s from New Zealand, yes, thank you, got it. But. Every time we cast another Bond, we are reminded of that quote from its creator, Ian Fleming, about Bond merely being “a blunt instrument...an extremely dull, uninteresting man to whom things happened.” It’s not that Crowe is merely a blunt instrument, far from it, but that he’s an actor who would be willing to truly play a blunt instrument. James Bond will return...in The Most Uninteresting Man in the World. Damn, would I pay money to see that.