' ' Cinema Romantico: Cinema Romantico 2022 Movie Preview: THRILLERS ONLY

Friday, January 14, 2022

Cinema Romantico 2022 Movie Preview: THRILLERS ONLY

One of the big industry stories over the holiday was whether the glaring box office failures of movies directed by the esteemed likes of Steven Spielberg and Guillermo del Toro were just more Pandemic (lack of) movie-going collateral damage or the direct result of being released opposite Spider-Man: Bringing Home the Bacon. Time, as it does with so much, will tell, though that will not stop people from having theories. All this blog knows is the movie middle-class was dying well before Christmas 2021 and a perusal of the myriad Most Anticipated Movies of 2022 lists only reinforces that idea. These lists are virtually nothing but sequels and comic book movies, comic book movies and sequels, until your eyes glaze over. But we here at Cinema Romantico are not interested in what the “people” want to “see”. Please, if every movie studio decided that tableware was going to be the next thing to mine for content and started filling theaters with movies based off the Williams Sonoma catalogue then rest assured the “people” would watch the new blockbuster about the stainless steel salad spinner that ate New York City. No, this blog has no interest in the forthcoming blockbusters, only the middling thrillers, which is why our 2022 Movie Preview is the only Movie Preview on the Interwebs longing more desperately for the next Gary Fleder movie than “Avatar 2: I’ll Believe It When I See It.” 

(Releases are, of course, ranked on the Runaway Jury Scale, measuring each new thriller’s potential for glorious middlingness, 1 being the lowest and 5 the highest.)

Cinema Romantico 2022 Movie Preview: THRILLERS ONLY

Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre. Everything is cyclical. Women who had barely been born when I was a teenager are now dressing like Rachel and Monica in “Friends” and Guy Ritchie’s 90s Thriller aesthetic has totally become chic again. We give it...3 Runaway Juries

The 355. Already released, this all-female Action/Thriller has been met with universal denunciation from my fellow critics, like Vulture, advising us that “The 355 is proof that women can make middling action movies, too.” Middling, you say? Don’t mind if I do... 3 Runaway Juries

Moonfall. After tackling aliens, climate change and the Mayan Doomsday, Roland Emmerich, the master of disaster, goes into orbit with a movie about a mission to prevent the Moon from colliding with Earth. I mean, have you seen the trailer? The only real question here is whether I will quadruple mask so I can sit in the front row on opening night. 5 Runaway Juries

Deep Water. Once upon a time this thing would have gotten the cover of Entertainment Weekly and Rolling Stone with big fawning accompanying stories and Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas would have been interviewed by Paula Zahn and Harry Smith on CBS This Morning. Instead, it gets shunted to Netflix and DON’T TELL ME THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER. 3 Runaway Juries

Pursuit. Speaking of “Runaway Jury”... I know Cusack has rearranged his priorities and he’s more of an activist now, and maybe he’s just deep in character there, but boy, the poor guy looks miserable. 1 Runaway Jury

The Outfit. A tailor outwitting the mob? What happened here? Did this script just get stuck in the drawer of some executive at Universal in the 90s? Can we comb through all the drawers at Universal? 4 Runaway Juries

The Contractor. Not be confused with 2007’s “The Contractor” starring Wesley Snipes as an assassin coaxed out of retirement to exact vengeance or 2013’s “The Contractor” starring Danny Trejo as a violent and vindictive actual contractor, 2022’s “The Contractor” stars Chris Pine as a discharged Marine involved in some nebulous paramilitary operation. I don’t know. Can we just re-release the one with Snipes instead? In fact, can we get a movie called “The Contractors” starring Wesley Snipes, Danny Trejo and Chris Pine? Is that script in a Universal exec’s drawer? 2 Runaway Juries

Misanthrope. IMDB says: “A cop is recruited by the FBI to track down a murderer.” When they finally make movies in Jetson Food Pill form, so you can go straight to the post-screening Tweets about What It Got Wrong without having to actually watch it, I imagine they will all sound a lot like this. 1 Runaway Jury

Blacklight. Listen—stop talking. I don’t need to hear the rest. The first half of the sentence was genius! “Liam Neeson plays a shadowy government agent named Travis Block and…” And? What “and”? No ‘and’ necessary! Are you kidding me? I’m sold. Sold! (The Onion. All You Had To Say Was ‘Owen Wilson Befriends A Dolphin’ And I Was Sold. 2007.) 4 Runaway Juries 

Memory. Not only do we get Neeson not just as a shadowy government agent named Travis Block, we also get him as an assassin-for-hire named Alex Lewis...in a movie helmed by Thriller Hall of Famer Martin Campbell and co-starring Monica Bellucci who should be in every fourth American thriller. 5 Runaway Juries

Bullet Train. Sandra Bullock replaced Lady Gaga. Not cool, Sandy. 0 Runaway Juries 

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