(Releases are, of course, ranked on the Runaway Jury Scale, measuring each new thriller’s potential for glorious middlingness, 1 being the lowest and 5 the highest.)
Cinema Romantico 2022 Movie Preview: THRILLERS ONLY
Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre. Everything is cyclical. Women who had barely been born when I was a teenager are now dressing like Rachel and Monica in “Friends” and Guy Ritchie’s 90s Thriller aesthetic has totally become chic again. We give it...3 Runaway Juries
The 355. Already released, this all-female Action/Thriller has been met with universal denunciation from my fellow critics, like Vulture, advising us that “The 355 is proof that women can make middling action movies, too.” Middling, you say? Don’t mind if I do... 3 Runaway Juries
Moonfall. After tackling aliens, climate change and the Mayan Doomsday, Roland Emmerich, the master of disaster, goes into orbit with a movie about a mission to prevent the Moon from colliding with Earth. I mean, have you seen the trailer? The only real question here is whether I will quadruple mask so I can sit in the front row on opening night. 5 Runaway Juries
Deep Water. Once upon a time this thing would have gotten the cover of Entertainment Weekly and Rolling Stone with big fawning accompanying stories and Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas would have been interviewed by Paula Zahn and Harry Smith on CBS This Morning. Instead, it gets shunted to Netflix and DON’T TELL ME THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER. 3 Runaway Juries
Pursuit. Speaking of “Runaway Jury”... I know Cusack has rearranged his priorities and he’s more of an activist now, and maybe he’s just deep in character there, but boy, the poor guy looks miserable. 1 Runaway Jury
The Outfit. A tailor outwitting the mob? What happened here? Did this script just get stuck in the drawer of some executive at Universal in the 90s? Can we comb through all the drawers at Universal? 4 Runaway Juries
The Contractor. Not be confused with 2007’s “The Contractor” starring Wesley Snipes as an assassin coaxed out of retirement to exact vengeance or 2013’s “The Contractor” starring Danny Trejo as a violent and vindictive actual contractor, 2022’s “The Contractor” stars Chris Pine as a discharged Marine involved in some nebulous paramilitary operation. I don’t know. Can we just re-release the one with Snipes instead? In fact, can we get a movie called “The Contractors” starring Wesley Snipes, Danny Trejo and Chris Pine? Is that script in a Universal exec’s drawer? 2 Runaway Juries
Misanthrope. IMDB says: “A cop is recruited by the FBI to track down a murderer.” When they finally make movies in Jetson Food Pill form, so you can go straight to the post-screening Tweets about What It Got Wrong without having to actually watch it, I imagine they will all sound a lot like this. 1 Runaway Jury
Blacklight. Listen—stop talking. I don’t need to hear the rest. The first half of the sentence was genius! “Liam Neeson plays a shadowy government agent named Travis Block and…” And? What “and”? No ‘and’ necessary! Are you kidding me? I’m sold. Sold! (The Onion. All You Had To Say Was ‘Owen Wilson Befriends A Dolphin’ And I Was Sold. 2007.) 4 Runaway Juries
Memory. Not only do we get Neeson not just as a shadowy government agent named Travis Block, we also get him as an assassin-for-hire named Alex Lewis...in a movie helmed by Thriller Hall of Famer Martin Campbell and co-starring Monica Bellucci who should be in every fourth American thriller. 5 Runaway Juries
Bullet Train. Sandra Bullock replaced Lady Gaga. Not cool, Sandy. 0 Runaway Juries
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