' ' Cinema Romantico: Legally Mandated Oscar Predictions

Saturday, March 26, 2022

Legally Mandated Oscar Predictions

Best Picture: In this age of extreme polarization and divisiveness, where if I say jump to avoid that large puddle of raw sewage you say your order to jump infringes on my personal liberties and I will step right in that raw sewage, thank you very much, we are rarely interested anymore in who won an Oscar. We are rarely interested anymore in who lost an Oscar. No, what seems to drive the discourse, the godforsaken discourse, these days is not what won or lost but what should not have won. It’s like a double stuffed Oreo of outrage; something was unfairly snubbed while something else was unjustly rewarded. So, as Cinema Romantico sat down to dutifully record our Oscar predictions as mandated by movie blogging law, we thought about Best Picture from that perspective.

Who specifically would be the angriest over a victory by each Best Picture candidate? 

“Belfast”: Two-time Oscar host Jimmy Kimmel recently implored “Why do Best Picture nominees have to be serious?” and I feel like a movie about The Troubles is the Most Serious of all the nominees. Maybe if it wins Kimmel could make one of his patented funny jokes about it! “What’s black and white and puts you to sleep faster than Advil PM? The Oscar winner for Best Picture.”

“The Power of the Dog”: Sam Elliott, of course, but we will return to him in a moment. 

“Coda”: Film Twitter. 

“West Side Story”: Richard Brody.

“Dune”: Lynch-heads.

“Don’t Look Up”: Here it’s less a question who would be angry if it won than who would be angry if it did not win. David Sirota, that’s who, co-screenwriter, who would no doubt excoriate the Academy for not caring about climate change for not giving his movie Best Picture. (Don’t get mad at us, Sirota. You’ll get your moment in the sun when you win Best Original Screenplay while Paul Schrader sits at home, watching the Knicks, still Oscar-less.)

“Drive My Car”: Best Picture nominee completists who didn’t realize it was three hours. Additionally, it would confuse the people who think Uncle Vanya is an E&J Gallo wine.

“King Richard”: The ones who honestly (or disingenuously) think Serena Williams isn’t the G.O.A.T.

“Licorice Pizza”: The Culture Warriors. 

“Nightmare Alley”: Hmmmmmmm. Well. Can’t say I’ve seen much indignant spittle directed at Guillermo del Toro’s remake of the 1947 film. That doesn’t mean people won’t be angry if it does end up winning, but that the anger will be more in the manner of compulsive Yelp reviewers lodging half-hearted protests about the service at a Corner Bakery. That’s why I’m picking Nightmare Alley to win Best Picture. The discourse could use the break. 

Best Director: Steven Spielberg, West Side Story. Eschews giving a speech to challenge Kevin Feige to a duel for Hollywood’s soul.

Best Actress: Kristen Stewart, Spencer. Sends Nikki Reed in her place to accept the award and read out the printed lyrics of Black Flag’s “TV Party.”

Elliott’s coming for you, Cumberbatch.

Best Actor: Benedict Cumberbatch, The Power of the Dog. Remember at the 2000 MTV Music Video Awards (why would you?) when Limp Bizkit won Best Video and then Rage Against the Machine’s Tim Commerford climbed the tower on the stage directly behind Limp Bizkit and taunted the band from above? I imagine Sam Elliott climbing one of the giant Oscar statues on the stage and taunting Cumberbatch from above.

Winning and losing don’t matter in the Kiki Commune; we’ll be celebrating no matter what.

Best Supporting Actress: Kirsten Dunst, The Power of the Dog. When the Toronto Raptors won the 2019 NBA championship, the city’s Maple Leaf Square was rechristened Jurassic Park for fans to gather and watch the games just as the city of Milwaukee created the Deer District for its fans to gather watch games during the Bucks 2021 NBA title run. So, I feel like we Dunst Devotees who have been waiting for this moment for years should take over the Motel 6 Hollywood parking lot just up the road and transform it into the Kiki Commune. When she loses, and she will, we will say the hell with it and rock out to New Order’s “Ceremony.”

Best Supporting Actor: J.K. Simmons, Being the Ricardos. Ascends the stage with the same bemused air as his CIA superior in “Burn After Reading”, accepts the statue and says something like, “Honestly as I’m confused as the rest of you.”

Best Film Editing: After presenting the award for Film Editing at the much discussed (derided) pre-show show, the producers inadvertently fail to honor their pledge to edit the award’s presentation into the broadcast, missing the rich irony. Enraged, the Academy decides to radically revamp the 2023 ceremony by not voting on Best Picture beforehand and instead selecting a winner during the telecast in a format similar to the Iowa Caucus. 

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