' ' Cinema Romantico: Next Year's Best (Worst) Super Bowl Commerical

Tuesday, February 14, 2023

Next Year's Best (Worst) Super Bowl Commerical

Nothing is new anymore, creativity is dead. That’s why “Night Court” is back on TV and you saw Harrison Ford trot out his gruff old bones as Indiana Jones yet again for a commercial spot during Sunday’s Super Bowl. Speaking of which, the Super Bowl was awash in advertisements plundering from movies of the past, throwing nostalgia in our collective faces as much as that one guy, forget his name, born in a feeding trough, died for our relentless dull-headedness, or so they say, can’t remember, it’ll come to me eventually. Anyway. Point is, this, I guess, is what the people want, more of the same, more of what they already had a long time ago, or at least, that’s what the ad execs tell them they want. That’s why Alicia Silverstone was out there cashing in on one of the greatest performances of the 90s to shill for some product I honestly can’t remember (good job, whoever that was!), Sylvester Stallone was repurposing not Rocky Balboa for the 5,000th time but [checks notes] Gabe Walker of “Cliffhanger,” only slightly more rememberable than Kit Latura of “Daylight,” for Paramount+, Ben Stiller went to the “Zoolander” well in the name of Pepsi, Serena Williams was undermining her GOAT status by giving a rote cover version of Al Pacino’s “Any Given Sunday” speech, and a host of athletes (including Serena, again!) and actors kind of remade “Caddyshack” on Michelob Ultra’s behalf. When Leslie Neilsen sat down to plug Coors Light in 1990, he was just Leslie Nielsen, man.

But hey, if these ad execs want to weave nostalgia into ostensible ad gold, baby, Cinema Romantico can dig deeper in the crates than these marketing bros could ever dream. And so, while I’m tempted to recommend an Eddie Kasalivich/Lily Sinclair Amtrak spot or suggest one-upping that Bennifer Dunkin’ Donuts spot with a “Brothers McMullen” Dunkin’ spot instead, and though I will refrain from suggesting a Jackie-O Pascale ad for Intel because that might finally send me over the proverbial edge just as I will eschew proposing Michelob Ultra burrow into the historical obscure by remaking “Wildcats” because, yeesh, leaving an inner city comedy in the hands of some modern mad men sounds like a recipe for absolute disaster, I do have a positively unmissable proposal for Anheuser-Busch nevertheless.

Because remember when the Starfleet gang time travels to 1986 in “Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home?” And Kirk meets cute with Dr. Gillian Taylor (Catherine Hicks)? And they go out to dinner at an Italian restaurant? Remember what Gillian orders for them to drink? Michelob, that’s right. Product placement that’s been waiting to be tapped lo these 37 years. Cut To: Super Bowl LVIII. Kirk and Gillian in a fast casual Romulan brewery, raising their glasses to the camera. “Michelob Ultra…the beer of the future.”

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