The Rooney Mara Bandwagon: Proud & Headin' Home

You might have heard Meryl Streep won a Lifetime Achievement Award...er, Best Actress Oscar at Sunday's Academy Awards. You might have heard Meryl Streep instantly, cleverly cut off the inevitable Twitter-y backlash at the pass in her speech. (Hey, I got no problem with Meryl. If I'd had my druthers - which I never do - she would have won an Oscar back in '06 for "A Prairie Home Companion." Alas.) You might have heard some Viola Davis supporters were shocked, chagrined and rather confused that their gal lost. You might have even forgotten that Michelle Williams, Glenn Close and one Rooney Mara were nominated too! Were they really even 'nominated' or were they just for show? Like the three people you put in a charity 100 Meter Dash opposite Usain Bolt to get their clocks cleaned? Whatever.

The Rooney Mara Bandwagon holds its heads above the fray.

The Rooney Mara Bandwagon knows she wasn't robbed because The Rooney Mara Bandwagon knows she didn't need to be validated.

Let the Hollywood glitterati bicker. Let the gossip columnists write their columns with their gossip. Let the Streep-sters and the Viola-ites hurl dirt clods.

The chairperson of The Rooney Mara Bandwagon will never forget how one Friday he went and saw "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" entirely out of obligation, because he felt like everyone was talking about it (whether for good or bad) and he didn't want to be left out of the loop, and suddenly found himself being transported to that spellbinding place only the movies can take you entirely on account of a performance.

Oscars can be stolen or (in a little known rule) taken back by the Academy.

The performance? That lives forever.

Logging The 84th Academy Awards

There has been talk of just how much relevance the almighty Oscars have or have not lost over the years and how much the excruciating foregoneness of this year's race has caused the whole ordeal to seem so meaningless. Maybe this is true, maybe it isn't, maybe it's a little of both, I don't know. What I do know is that I gave myself the perfect Oscar Sunday Afternoon present in the form of a second theatrical viewing of "The Descendants" and that my 2:00 showing was packed. Absolutely packed. And I dare say the majority of people there with me had not already seen it once and that scenes just like this were taking place all over the country, and if this was specifically on account of its Oscar nominations - and that's very likely - then Go, Oscars, Go!!! They got people out to see a film I do/will relentlessly champion. Good enough for me.

The crucial part of the traditional Oscar Night Entire Bottle Of Wine will be played this year by a 2009 Bridlewood Pinot Noir, gifted to me by my Dad at Christmas as payment for our bet on who would win last year's Nebraska/Iowa football game. (Speaking of which, Iowa friends, you did remember that Nebraska won 20 -7, right? Just making sure.)

Greatest.Meal.Ever.

I am currently sipping on my first glass while having a dinner of a Potbelly's sandwich and oatmeal chocolate chip cookie (and I'm sure Miles Raymond would want to hit golf balls at me for pairing a Pinot with a Wreck) while watching Seth Rogen's opening monologue at the Independent Spirit Awards on DVR (which I recorded for a very specific reason to revealed in just a bit). His jokes are mostly amusing and some have honest to goodness bite - "You say a few hateful things, they don't allow you within a hundred feet of the Oscars. You could literally beat the shit out of a nominee, they invite you to perform twice at the Grammys." Think Billy Crystal'll be that edgy? Roll the tape!

7:30 - Billy Crystal. Movie Montage. It's as comforting as going on vacation to some place you've never been and having a Big Mac and fries at McDonald's.

7:33 - Justin Bieber is there for the 18-24 dynamic? Really? 24 year olds like Justin Bieber? I find this information faulty.

7:39 - Brad Pitt forces a smile at Billy Crystal's "Moneyball" joke. Angelina smiles too, but it's not forced. It's real. And it says: "Laaaaaaaaaaaame." I'd like to imagine that if some guy ever gave Angelina a rhetorical "good morning" she'd punch him right in the face.

7:42 - Tom Hanks just paid tribute to seat-filler. I think. Or was that Mickey Rooney? Is Mickey Rooney getting one of those honorary Oscars they give out three months earlier at an event that's not televised forcing the Academy Awards telecast to give them 7 seconds of screen time in a broom closet in the basement?

7:43 - "Hugo" wins Best Cinematography and Best Art Direction. Thus, the classic The-Movie-That-Doesn't-Win-Best-Picture-Gets-All-The-'Little'-Awards faithfully emerges.

7:47 - Was that the Oscar House Band? Is there an Oscar House Band? Is that an actual thing? Could Arcade Fire be the Oscar House Band next year? Please?

Next year's Oscar House Band?

7:54 - J.Lo's area situated directly between her neck and waistline has made its first appearance of the night.

7:55 - Costume Design goes to "The Artist"! Yes! I'm 0-3 (read: 3-0) on my Totally Unreasonable, Completely Legitimate Oscar Predictions!

8:06 - Best Foreign Film. "A Separation." Even The Hollywood Idiot Factor couldn't prevent that one.

8:12 - Best Supporting Actress. And now it's time to go to the DVR which I have cued up for the bestowing of the Best Supporting Female at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday so that I can watch Shailene Woodley win. (I will regret this if Melissa McCarthy for "Bridesmaids" somehow upsets Octavia Spencer for "The Help." Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!) Shailene's not even wearing a dress. Respect. And her speech is quick and gracious with just the right degree of sincere. Good.For.Her.

My favorite 'Oscar' moment.

8:22 - Tina Fey up to present with some dude. Okay, seriously, how long before Tina Fey hosts this whole Academy thing? It's gonna happen, right?

8:25 - First Rooney Mara sighting! Each member of The Rooney Mara Bandwagon in the CVS Parking Lot twelve blocks away just shotgunned an Oppigårds Amarillo!

8:25 - Watching the two editors flee the stage - "Let's get out of here" - was poetry to an introvert. I hope they just run right past the press waiting to ask questions and straight to the bar for some champagne.

8:26 - "Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" for Best Editing and "Hugo" for Best Sound Editing and Sound Mixing. I have one right so far. One! I'm so proud! Try and do worse than me!

8:35 - Cirque del Soleil? This is so not my glass of sangria. Time to cue up Bruce Springsteen performing "We Take Care Of Our Own" at the Grammys on my DVR. And since we're on the subject, do you what my favorite part of that performance is? That two seconds right at the start when the camera catches Lady Gaga - despite wearing a body-length fishnet - getting her groove on. (Imagine Nick making 'Devil Horns.')

8:41 - Billy Crystal makes an 'old guy' joke at Christopher Plummer's expense. Odds in Vegas have immediately gone off at 9-1 that Plummer shivs him at the Vanity Fair Party.

8:42 - Robert Downey Jr., up to present by pretending to film a documentary called "The Presenter" ("what I'm doing is called bleeding edge"), might have just made Gwyneth Paltrow sort of likable. If so, I think he has more talent than all five Best Actor nominees combined.

8:46 - Chris Rock's hair makes him look kind of handsome. Is that too much? Yes? No? (Insert obligatory Malin Akerman reference here to even things out.)

8:54 - Emma Stone might be a semi-comedic genius. She and Downey Jr. tie for Presenter of the Night.

8:59 - Christopher Plummer. Best Supporting Actor for "Beginners." Rightfully. Respectfully. Great speech. That speech is why I still love the Oscars.

9:15 - "The Artist" for Best Score. I think I got that one right. Didn't I? I have no idea. More wine, did you say? Don't mind if I do. Stay with me, readers.

9:18 - Instead of paying any attention to Best Original Song (read: Worst Category Of The Night) let's all watch this instead. After all, they're going to be the Oscar House Band next year.

9:26 - Seriously? They have to trot Angelina up there in that dress showing that leg that could kill a man to introduce the screenwriting awards? As if writers already don't have anyone paying them any attention. Cut to people across America tomorrow morning. "Wait, they gave out writing awards? I thought those were faked to give the stage to Angelina's leg."

9:28 - "The Descendants." Best Adapted Screenplay. In yo face, hatas.

You probably didn't notice these three win for Best Adapted Screenplay because you were distracted by Ms. Jolie's leg.

9:30 - The Woodman wins Best Original Screenplay for "Midnight in Paris." He's not there, of course, and I'm hoping and praying Angelina then says: "Woody Allen couldn't be here tonight so guess what, old man? I'm givin' this statue to Asghar Farhadi! Viva la 'A Separation!'"

9:42 - "The Shore" wins Best Live Action Short. It's good and all but, seriously, if you have a love of sports and tire of people telling you sports aren't important, check out "Pentecost" if you have a chance. Great piece of work.

9:44 - Jackie Q. ... er, I mean, Rose Byrne just chugged vodka. That is so hot.

9:50 - Best Speech Of The Night: William Joyce & Brandon Oldenburg for "The Fantastic Flying Books Of Mr. Morris Lessmore." for Best Animated Short. "We're just two swamp rats from Louisiana and this is incredibly grand." Fast, uber-passionate, and they both spoke without stepping on each other's toes. Those two made my night.

9:55 - Michel Hazanavicius. Best Director for "The Artist." Wouldn't you like to imagine a Best Director Club in, say, Santa Monica (envision the smoking room on the Titanic) and Kevin Costner comes in and he looks longingly toward the table with Marty and Steven and Clint and they all stretch out so there's no room for Kevin to sit down and so Kevin shrugs sadly and trudges over to the table with Tom Hooper and Michel Hazanavicius.

10:12 - Jonah Hill: "You're fighting with every ounce you have to make sure that you love it forever. And when it doesn't turn out that way, it's painful. And that's why people are weird who make movies. It's because they care more about their film than themselves."

10:13 - Nina Sayers in the hiz-house!!!

10:18 - Jean Dujardin. Best Actor for "The Artist." Didn't you worry there for a second he was about to go Benigni all over everybody's asses? Don't lie.

 10:26 - Cinema Romantico's Best Dress Of The Night Goes To Rooney Mara. Why? Because. That's why. ..... Oh, right. What's her name.....uh, Meryl-something. She won Best Actress. But it totally wasn't a 'Lifetime Achievement Award' in the guise of Best Actress. Okay? So stop telling people that is. Because it isn't.

Cinema Romantico's Best Dress Of The Night goes to Rooney Mara because this blog doesn't hide its biases.

10:35 - Best Picture goes to "The Artist." Did you notice the way Harvey Weinstein and his cocksure grin high-fived the film's producer? As if to say, "don't forget, you owe me."

10:36 - And so next year's Oscar race begins. (The aforementioned Mr. Weinstein will be skipping sleep to go straight from Elton John's party to pre-production on Meryl Streep's Mamie Eisenhower biopic which he hopes to have ready for release by Christmas.) Early Prediction: Liam Neeson is wrongly nominated in the Supporting category for "Battleship" even though everyone knows he totally carried that movie.

Shailene!

Shailene Woodley, the giver of Cinema Romantico's Favorite Performance Of 2011 1(A) as Alex King in "The Descendants", earned an Independent Spirit Award this afternoon at the most radical tent on the California coastline for Best Supporting Female. Oscar snub? Floscar phlub. Your loss, Academy.

Can I get a whoop WHOOP???!!!

Oscar Best Score/Song Re-Imagined Pt. 5: And The Winner Is...

Brandon (Michael Fassbender) and his Stinson-y boss go to this posh nightclub to hear Brandon's little sis Sissy (Carey Mulligan) belt out a tune. The tune is "New York, New York" and rather than belt it out she delivers a quivering, reluctant version of it. And here's the thing - director Steve McQueen and his editor Joe Walker decide to present the whole song to us. This has been much commented on and much disliked - the fact the film presents the whole song. And this is precisely why I like it.

This scene is the movie. "Shame" is a film of brutally long takes that affords the audience and the characters no place to hide. Here we and Brandon are, stuck together for every last syllable Sissy coos. We have to face it. We have to take it. Not that we have to necessarily deal with it. No, we just sit and listen. And throughout it all Brandon has this strange detached expression and sensation. Why? For what reason? Does this dredge up memories of the past? Is "New York, New York" is his favorite song 'ever' and he thinks Sissy is ruining it for all time? He never says. The movie never says, just like the movie never says much of anything about how Brandon got to be where he is and become what he is. All we get is that one single tear right at the end, quickly wiped away, dismissed, forgotten.

And then there's the song itself. As sung by Ol' Blue Eyes in his famed version it is a defiant anthem. As sung by Sissy it is a distressing question mark. In fact, listening to it clued me into something I'd never realized. The lines: "If I can make it there / I'll make it anywhere / It's up to you, New York, New York." It's up to YOU, New York, New York! Not up to ME! Up to YOU!!!!!! As if to say that any addict (sex, drug, alcohol, ect.) never really grasps that it's up to them. It's up to some other entity beyond their control, even though it's not.

Cinema Romantico's Best Movie Song/Score Of 2011 goes to Carey Mulligan's "New York, New York." And if anyone thinks it's too long then they have every right to go watch a Michael Bay movie and his .000473 second long scenes.

Oscar Best Score/Song Re-Imagined Pt. 4

If you've seen "Attack of the Block", you KNOW what this is all about. If you haven't, then you don't, and you need to so you do. ASAP.

Oscar Best Score/Song Re-Imagined Pt. 3

Please, Lady Gaga, for the love of everything sacred and holy, cover this.

What was that? You don't think she can? Think again.

Oscar Best Score/Song Re-Imagined Pt. 2

When this song appeared at the New Year's Eve party I attended, I immediately snagged a nearby toothpick and struck my version of "The Ryan Gosling In 'Drive' Pose", which is to say it looked an awful lot like a hapless Jesse Eisenberg attempting to be Ryan Gosling in "Drive". "I drive. Okay? That's what I do. I, like, drive. You've got me for five minutes and whatever happens on either side of those five minutes, you're on your own. In a manner of speaking. We could make that five minutes ten or fifteen. It's open to interpretation, I suppose. I'm pretty flexible with those rules. They're not really rules so much as guidelines. Guidelines might not even be right. It's just things you say as part of the negotiation and then you adapt on the fly. Also, I prefer not to run any red lights."

In fact, let's go ahead and greenlight a "Drive" remake with Eisenberg as Driver, Kristen Stewart as Irene, David Cross as Shannon, Nick Offerman as Bernie Rose, Meat Loaf as Nino, Rob McElhenney as Standard, Tara Reid as Blanche....have I taken this too far?

Oscar Best Score/Song Re-Imagined Pt. 1

All my traditional festive Oscar week posts will be up over on Anomalous Material this year and so Cinema Romantico will focus on re-imagining the Oscar category of Best Score/Song as if it was one combined category and I and I alone was judge and jury in regards to the five nominees. And so on a daily basis this week I will treat you to one of the "nominees", the fifth and final entry doubling as the "winner".

Enjoy! I hope.

I love this theme for "Beginners" because it's melancholy and hopeful at once and can be just a bit more of one or the other depending on the context and your mood, which, in a way, is how the whole film - this wonderful, wonderful film - feels.

Woo!! Woo!! All Aboard The Rooney Mara Bandwagon!!

Are you tired of Meryl Streep garnering Oscar nominations every single year by playing real people (next year she plays Clara Barton, Bette Davis and Mamie Eisenhower in the same movie!)? Are you upset that Michelle Williams earned an Oscar nod for playing Marilyn Monroe when Marilyn Monroe herself was never nominated? Are you disgusted that "The Help", that meringuey flim-flam, got nominated for anything? Are you sick of women getting nominated simply for playing men?

If so, this is your chance to act! Say NO to the conventional! Say YES to piercings and McDonald's Happy Meals! Say YES to Rooney Mara as Lisbeth Salander in David Fincher's "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo"!

That's right, for the next month, right up until Academy Award Sunday, the Rooney Mara Bandwagon will be criss-crossing this fine nation to show support for the one nominee who thinks men should perform cunnilingus more regularly on their ladies. (Too much? Over the top? Then go watch a Margaret Thatcher biopic. The Rooney Mara Bandwagon is no place for you.)

Join now and you will get your very own "Fuck You Fucking Fuck" tee shirt, combat boots and fake mohawk wig and eyebrow ring!

Wondering what the price of admission is to board the bandwagon? Worry not! It's completely FREE! All you have to do to join is sing along and headbang to "Immigrant Song"!

This Oscar race isn't over yet! Not if WE have anything to say about it! And we're going to say A LOT!

Evil With Evil Shall Be Expelled!

Oscar Nomination Q & A

Rooney got nominated. Shailene didn't. Oldman did. So confusing. You can read my traditional Oscar Nomination Q & A session over on Anomalous Material this year.

You're still Best Supporting Actress on this blog!

Logging The 83rd Academy Awards

The Academy Awards are always a big deal at Cinema Romantico's house but the 2011 edition was made an even bigger deal because 1.) Cinema Romantico had someone for whom he was openly rooting and 2.) One of Cinema Romantico's oldest and best friends was in Chicago this weekend and, thus, able to join me in watching the ceremony much like we used to do every year back in the days of yore (i.e. six years ago).

The questions were bountiful! Would James Franco & Anne Hathaway live up to my high expectations as hosts? Would the person for whom I was openly rooting (let's call her Natalie) earn victory so I could rub it in the faces of all the haters? Would one of my oldest and best friends (let's call her Nicolle) become upset when we reached the inevitable point in the evening when I forced her to watch Lady Gaga on DVR? Roll the tape!

5:57 PM (CST): I typically do not watch the pre-gala, red carpet brou ha ha but Nicolle is all about the gre-gala, red carpet brou ha ha which is why we find ourselves watching a woefully un-prepared Ryan Seacrest (seriously, half the time this guy had no idea why the people he was interviewing were even there) interview actors and actresses trying to get the heck inside the building. It is also at this point I learn that the odds one of the major winners of the evening will cry is going off at 3/2 which must mean that the odds of whatever major winners of the evening cry get mocked tomorrow morning are going off at 1/1.

6:25: It turns out feathers are currently a major fashion trend. Nicolle confirms this. I had no idea. I am so uncool.

6:58: First Natalie Portman sighting! She looks insanely nervous which just makes me insanely nervous which means it's time for the first Sierra Nevada of the evening. (Champagne is on standby for when the Best Actress category is announced but we're getting way ahead of ourselves.)

7:25: Halle Berry literally just called herself "a slave to fashion." I am so not going there.

7:33: Our hosts for the evening, James Franco and Anne Hathaway, are in the midst of an "Inception" spoof when Alec Baldwin (one of last year's hosts) turns up and drops the line "ambien juicebox." Classic.

7:37: Now James and Anne are in the midst of a "Back to the Future" spoof. They climb into the DeLorean and rocket to the Academy Awards and for a moment I think they might actually drive a DeLorean on to the stage......but no. If you're gonna go for it, go all the way.

7:41: Anne Hathaway just dropped the line "dancing lesbians." It wasn't so much the line as the unbridled enthusiasm with which she said it. I think she's funny.

Anne Hathaway & The Male Lady Gaga

7:43: First awards of the night. "Alice in Wonderland" gets Art Direction and "Inception" gets Cinematography (i.e. Roger Deakins will never win).

7:51: Is it just me or is James Franco's smile totally insincere? Like, a meta smirk?

7:52: Kirk Douglas up to present for Best Supporting Actress who, at the ripe old age of, what, 94, goes way off script and appears to admit to having the hots for Anne Hathaway before eventually (which is the key word) presenting the Oscar to Melissa Leo for "The Fighter" who campaigned so actively and relentlessly on behalf of herself that I would have figured she'd practiced her speech about 350 times but gets so flustered she drops what I believe to be the first F-bomb I've ever heard at the Academy Awards (time delay!) and then departs the stage with Kirk Douglas, who has his arm around her, apparently, as Nicolle points out, trying to feel her up. Although you can't blame him. The woman's using his cain. He needs some support there. That was all just....wild. I'm so confused. Time for another Sierra Nevada.

8:07: Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis turn up to present Best Animated Feature and Kunis has officially earned Cinema Romantico's 2nd Best 83rd Academy Awards Dress, a dress best described as being (ahem) "Boob Enhancing." Anyway..."Toy Story 3" wins Animated Feature and, honestly, this might be the only pick I get right all night. My picks were kind of purposely ridiculous but still.

8:13: Best Adapted Screenplay. David Lindsay Abaire ("Rabbit Hole") is currently at home with Cool Ranch Dorito crumbs all down his sweatshirt. Not that I'm bitter. Aaron Sorkin, as expected, wins for "The Social Network" and actually gives a fairly classy speech. Throwing out Paddy Chayefsky's name first-thing was a nice touch. David Fincher, however, director of "The Social Network", looks pissed off to be there.

8:18: Best Original Screenplay goes to David Siedler for "The King's Speech." Somewhere Christopher Hitchens just took another shot of vodka. Siedler opens: "The writer's speech. This is terrifying." Nice.

8:24: Potbelly sandwiches & Anne Hathaway singing!

8:25: James Franco turns up in drag which is actually completely perfect because earlier in the day I was trying to pitch to Nicolle the idea that James Franco, with his never-ending schedule, is like a male Lady Gaga.

8:32: Best Supporting Actor goes to Christian Bale for "The Fighter". Everything's playing to form. This is a good sign for Natalie Portman even if it might make for an uneventful evening otherwise. And I'm pretty sure Bale was the first major winner of the evening to get a little misty-eyed. And if you mock him he'll kick your ass.

8:40: Anne Hathaway introduces Hugh Jackman by saying "The wolve to my rine." Did anyone else find this as funny as me?

8:41: Jackman & Nicole Kidman take the stage to present Best Music Score and so I will take this moment to plug the first hour-and-forty-five minutes of "Australia" which I happen to think is certifiably brilliant. And no, Kidman haters, I don't care if her forehead doesn't move.

8:44: Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross win Best Score for "The Social Network." My friend Matt texts me: "Do you think he's going to f--- that Oscar like an animal?" Do you think if I forwarded this text to James Franco he'd say it on the air?

8:45: David Fincher still looks pissed.

8:46: Let's make it official - Cinema Romantico's Best 83rd Academy Awards Dress goes to Scarlett Johansson.

Apparently Scarlett Johansson is turning up on the Worst Dressed List the morning after so perhaps she'll take solace in the fact Cinema Romantico, fashion mogul, names it Dress Of The Night.

8:56: "The Wolfman" wins for Best Makeup (ye gods! I got that right!) and Rick Baker & Dave Elsey give, possibly, the best acceptance speech of the night. Short, classy, funny, genuine.

9:02: Via video President Barack Obama gives a shout out to "Casablanca." And just like that he gets my vote again in 2012.

9:28: Old school Oscar host Billy Crystal shows up to toss off a few bad-to-semi-decent one liners. Call me crazy, since I am, but I'll take Anne Hathaway's annunciation of "dancing lesbians" over Billy Crystal one-liners from now 'til the end of time.

9:31: The newly Sienna-less Jude Law turns up with Robert Downey Jr. to present Best Visual Effects (which goes to "Inception") and Nicolle declares them to be the "Presenters of the night." I cannot disagree.

9:36: Best Editing to "The Social Network." David Fincher is still pissed.

9:41: Nicolle makes the observation of the night and it is this: that James Franco is not actually hosting but playing a part (perhaps that of "Oscar Host"?) that he will dissect in the class he's teaching at Columbia College. I mean, really, is this how he was acting in rehearsals? Were the producers watching and going, "Oh my God, we're screwed"? I don't think so. I think he probably nailed it in rehearsals, just to throw 'em off the scent, and then threw the actual set because Oscar hosts always get backlash and he needed the backlash to properly teach the course.

9:43: Florence of Florence + Machine turns up to sing but doesn't sing one of her own songs as I'd hoped. Boo. Then we have to listen to Gwyneth Paltrow sing a song that has waaaaaaaaaaaay too many syllables in every line. Who the hell wrote that thing? Randy Newman wins Best Song and then kinda mocks the Academy in regards to only four nominees in his category as opposed to the traditional five by saying "They couldn't find a fifth song?" to which I say "Randy, I'm stunned they could find four. Shut it and move along."

10:01: Anne Hathaway keeps wooing. Every time she introduces someone she woos. She's such a Woo Girl. Franco's going to get mocked for being too insincere and Hathaway's going to get mocked for being too sincere. Mark it down. No one should ever host because you just can't win.

10:03: Tom Hooper wins Best Director for "The King's Speech." David Fincher's still pissed, but Hooper's speech, whether you wanted him to win or not (and I, as we all know too well, was an Aronofsky - who had no chance - man), gives a good speech, touching on fate and the rewards of "listening to your mother."

10:07: Francis Ford Coppola & Jean Luc Godard (who isn't actually at the ceremony), slightly important figures in the cinema, get, oh, roughly, 17 seconds of screen time. But thank the heavens we got to listen to Mandy Moore & "Chuck" sing whatever song that was they sang. So unbelievable I don't even want to discuss it further.

10:12: And now it's arrived. Best Actress. The only one that's really mattered in this house all night. Jeff Bridges presenting. Bottle of Vueve de Vernay now outta the fridge and at the ready. Bridges opens the envelope. And I actually am stricken with terror for that brief moment where he dramatically pauses. But then he says the magic words I've been waiting to hear since Sunday evening December 5, 2010. And, thus, for the rest of her life, like it or not, Natalie Portman's named will be preceded by Academy Award Winner.

"Thor", starring Academy Award Winner Natalie Portman. Late yesterday afternoon Academy Award Winner Natalie Portman gave birth to a beautiful baby (boy/girl). "Table for two?" "Certainly. What's the name?" "Academy Award Winner Natalie Portman." And so on.

"I was wondering if I could change the name on my passport to read Academy Award Winner Natalie Portman?"

And then I have to pause the DVR after Natalie's speech (in which she impressively kept composed despite listing about half-a-thousand names and, by the way, she can list any name she wants because it's her moment, not yours) because Nicolle and I find ourselves in the midst of what we'll dub The Natalie Portman Oscar Champagne Fiasco, which is to say I cannot get the damn cork popped. (Perhaps this is a good moment to tell the ladies I bench press a cool 17.) I try and then Nicolle tries and then I try again and finally I have to soak a dish towel and wrap it around the cork and yank on it and then it pops and I spill champagne on my floor and by the time we have composed ourselves after the ridiculousness of The Natalie Portman Oscar Champagne Fiasco, and toasted to her Oscar, and sat back down, well, Colin Firth winning Best Actor for "The King's Speech" and "The King's Speech" winning Best Picture really don't interest me at all. I'm hardly even paying attention. But I think that's about right.

I know a lot of people who check in with this blog from time to time weren't as brazen about Natalie's work in "Black Swan" as I was and that's completely cool. But I ask you to consider this: How often does your favorite performance - literally, your favorite performance - of the year win the Oscar? Not often, right? Maybe never. My favorite performance last year was Kelly Macdonald in "The Merry Gentleman", a performance I cherished just as much as I cherished Portman as Nina Sayers, and I'm still convinced only 39 other people in America even saw that movie. It never even had a chance to be nominated for an Oscar, let alone win. Uma lost to Weist, Kate The Great lost to Hunt, Amy Ryan lost to Tilda Swinton, Johnny Depp never really had a prayer for the first "Pirates of the Caribbean", Billy Crudup's never even been nominated, and none of that really matters because that validation shouldn't be and isn't necessary but, you know, I'm not gonna lie, it was nice. It was nice to see my favorite performance win. It was nice to see Natalie Portman beam up there onstage. I was so happy for her. Natalie Portman in "Black Swan" is why I go to the movies. The girl acted her ass off and I'll defend her to the death if she starts popping up on those Who Didn't Deserve Their Oscar lists 10 years from now. I hope she soaks it in for all its freaking worth because she deserves it. James Franco & Anne Hathaway may have been disappointing and the entire telecast may have been entirely predictable and a little boring but I got to watch it with one of my best friends and Natalie Portman won so yeah......pretty good Oscars. Pretty good Oscars.

The Natalie Portman Oscar Champagne.

A Scene For Oscar Sunday

Stanley Motts: "You want me to produce your war?"
Conrad Brean: "Not a war. It's a pageant...we need a theme, a song, some visuals...it's a pageant. It's like the Oscars. That's why we came to you."
Motss: "I never won an Oscar."
Brean: "And it's a damn shame you didn't. But you produced the Oscars."
Motts: "Yes. Indeed I did. You know, you're a writer, that's your script. You're a director...but if you're the producer, what did you do? Nobody knows what you do. You're a producer, all you've got is the credit. You see? Some plaques on the wall. They don't know what we do. But don't get me started."

What Oscar Means To Me

Steve Martin hosted the 2003 Academy Award Ceremony and this, of course, was only a couple weeks after the second Iraq war had broken out and, thus, the people in charge of the gala decided against implementing the traditional splashy red carpet arrival and during his opening monologue Martin said this: "You probably noticed there was no fancy red carpet tonight. That’ll show ‘em!" I thought that was hilarious. I still do. One of my favorite lines ever by an Oscar host.

Much later in the same ceremony, upon winning Best Actress for her work in "The Hours", Nicole Kidman said this: "Why do you come to the Academy Awards when the world is in such turmoil? Because art is important. And because you believe in what you do and you want to honor that." I found this entirely moving. I still do. One of my favorite lines ever in an acceptance speech.

And at the heart of each of these moments lies my attitude toward the Academy Awards. We've all heard it a million times. The Oscars are self important and self congratulatory and self reverential and self aggrandizing and, heck, any other adjective you want to toss in there after self. It's all bad jokes and boring montages and awful hip hop dance routines and much ado about dresses. They are big and bloated and over the top. Go ahead! Call them any name you like! Pile it on! Get it outta your system!

And hey, man, it's all kinda true. And kinda the point. After all, this is, like, you know, Hollywood. "The Greatest Show On Earth." Tara. Xanadu. Skull Island. The Emerald City. The train in "Doctor Zhivago." James Cameron re-building part of the "Titanic" so he could re-sink it. Charlton Heston as Moses. Hollywood is big and bloated, bigger and bloated-er (?). Why in the name of Colonel Kurtz wouldn't the Academy Awards be the same? If you buy a ticket for the "Wet Zone" at Kylie's Les Folies Tour, baby, you're gonna get wet. Don't bitch afterwards that your Dolce & Gabbana got soaked. Seriously.

But, at the same time, I'm sort of a sentimental dude. And corny. And (wait, what's the most overused idiotic two word phrase in the English language? Oh! Right!) painfully earnest. And this is why when my homegirl Nicole Kidman got a little teary eyed giving her aforementioned acceptance speech I got a little teary eyed (oh, just f--- off). This is why I still have Kate Winslet's acceptance speech saved to my DVR (no, really, I do). This is why I high fived my friend Rory when "Shakespeare In Love" beat "Saving Private Ryan" for Best Picture because I might be the only person on earth who believed (and still believes to this exact second) that "Shakespeare In Love" was truly a better film.

Eat it, Pvt. James Francis Ryan.

When I expound on my dislike for "Saving Private Ryan" and expound on my infatutation with "Shakespeare In Love" and how that ending - that glorious ending! - makes me soar on wings like eagles and then proceed to make extravagant hand gestures and pound on walls and ring hypothetical bells while shouting how "Shakespeare In Love" winning may very well have been the direct result of Harvey Weinstein and his minions running around Tinseltown threatening to break Academy members' fingers with ball peen hammers if they didn't vote for it but that it doesn't matter because it was the best film and then the person I'm expounding to will inevitably back away from me, frightened.

At that point I remember that not everyone is like me. Not everyone gets lathered up about decade-old Oscar decisions. Not everyone still holds a grudge against Dianne Weist for stealing Uma Thurman's statue. Not everyone is me and my former roommate Chad when we both became enraged at Michael Caine for winning Best Supporting Actor for "The Cider House Rules" (really?) thereby foiling the bet that he and I had been arguing about for a month (he had Haley Joel Osment for "The Sixth Sense", I had Tom Cruise for "Magnolia")." I remember when I saw "No Country For Old Men" the night it opened and the next night I was hanging out with some friends and I was advising everyone how awesome the movie was and my friend Kristin wondered, confused, "Wait, didn't that just come out yesterday?" and I had to advise that I don't wait to see movies because I have so many movies to see that I have to see them the weekend they open - maybe the second weekend at worst - or I'll fall so far behind that I'll never catch up and that I can't really wait for DVD for a lot of movies because, damn it, that's just not how I do it.

My dad sent me an email a month or so ago declaring that he had just seen "The King's Speech" which meant he had actually seen a Best Picture nominee in the theater. I really wanted to email back: "'The King's Speech?!' 10 Best Picture nominees and you choose 'The King's Speech' over the supreme, stupefying, polar ice cap sized magnificence of 'Black Swan???!!!'" Of course, I did not send that email. Not simply because I'm fairly certain my dad would not actually enjoy "Black Swan" but because I was just excited my dad saw a Best Picture nominee. No, no, no, I was just excited my dad went to the movies.

The movies are not front and center in my dad's life much like they are not front center in a lot of people's lives. But the Oscars are the one time each year when the movies are front and center for everyone. Back in February of '99 when the Oscar noms were announced the movie theater I managed received a print of "Shakespeare In Love" because now there was going to be more business for it which made me so happy because it was a movie I so desperately wanted the whole world to see. "Black Swan" has pushed north of $100 million at the box office and this is a direct result of all its Oscar buzz and that thrills me.

I'm sure many movie fans that mirror my sort of insanity are still disappointed that their favorites did not get nominations and so the masses remain unaware of their beauty and, hey, I get it because I have those years too. But it's okay! Because nonetheless people are going to the movies! And that, I think, is what the Academy Awards, down there at the core, really are - a celebration of going to the movies.

I know, I know, I'm making too big a deal. People are reading this and shaking their heads and thinking, "It's all just a bunch of recorded photographic images projected onto a screen in an auditorium. Calm down." You got me. There is Egypt and Bahrain and Yemen and Libya and Wisconsin and any other place where protests have erupted within the last 10 minutes and car bombs and subway bombs and suicide bombers and earthquakes and monsoons and hurricanes and 35,000 feet of snow in New York City alone (!) and unemployment and the Carmelo Anthony Trade and on and on and on and on and on and on and so, basically, obviously, the world is ending and we'd all be better off just offing ourselves and so, really, who has time for the movies? Get over yourself, Cinema Romantico. Wallow in the mire with the rest of us sad-stop-unlucky depressives. "Life isn't like in the movies. Life is harder."

Duh. Of course, it is. Who doesn't understand that? And that's what makes art so important. Especially with the world in such turmoil. I believe in it. Don't you? If you do, let's all get together this Sunday night and honor it, what do ya say?

From Marty To Nina (What A Long, Strange Trip It's Been)

"So you're the little neighborhood Lolita?"

That is what Michael Rapaport's Paul - or, as the response to the aforementioned line goes, "the alcoholic high school buddy shit for brains" - says to Natalie Portman's Marty, named for Marty, an uncle she never knew, who has managed to charm the pants off our protagonist, Willie Conway (Timothy Hutton), back in town for his 10 year high school reunion in "Beautiful Girls" (1996). Problem is, she's only 13 years old. Then again, like she tells Willie, "I have an old soul." And that seems right, doesn't it? Hasn't Natalie Portman always felt like she's had an old soul? Hasn't she always felt like the little neighborhood Lolita?

Her first film was "The Professional", in 1994, directed by Luc Besson, in which she plays a 12 year old named Mathilda. Of course, the first time we see Mathilda she is smoking a cigarette and eventually she begs Jean Reno's Leon, the title character, a professional hitman, to teach her the ways of his trade so she can avenge the death of her brother.

Her follow up to "The Professional" in Michael Mann's masterpiece "Heat" was a year later. She was featured sparingly but was devastating as a neglected child of divorce who seems to have essentially missed out on childhood and winds up slitting her wrists.

Following her career making turn as Marty in 1996 she was featured in "Where The Heart Is" as a pregnant 17 year old who decides to have her baby and raise her child. In "Cold Mountain" she's a widow raising her infant child alone on the frontier. In "V For Vendetta" she finds herself caught up in a revolution in one of those traditional futuristic dystopian societies. In "Free Zone" she's an American who's come to the Middle East in an effort to find herself. In "Goya's Ghosts" she is arrested by the church for heresy. In "Closer" she's a stripper. In the "Star Wars" prequels she's a frickin' queen. Hell, even in Tim Burton's "Mars Attacks!" where she at first appears to be your typical sullen, contrary teenager, Taffie Dale, albeit the sullen, contrary teenage daughter of the President, she winds up being the only surviving member of the U.S. Government once the martians have finally been defeated so....guess who has to run things now? God in Heaven, didn't this young girl EVER get to play a young girl????? Couldn't they let her have a slumber party, gossip about boys, go to the prom, something?

Willie: "What is it you do, kids your age, on the weekend?"
Marty: "Well, what we've been doing lately is smoking massive amounts of drugs, bingeing on Entenmanns and listening to Pink Floyd."

Born in Jerusalem as Natalie Hershlag she re-located to Washington D.C. at age 3 before, soon afterwards, re-locating to Long Island which is to suggest a young girl who emigrates from Israel to the States at age 3 is likely to have a much different world view than someone, say, born and raised along the banks of the Des Moines River. Portman has been a vegetarian since age 8 and been part of The World Patrol Kids, an environmental song and dance troupe who advertise on their web site that - really! - "kids can change the world". In high school I starred as the villain in our class production of an atrocious spoof of "Gone With The Wind" and frittered time away by writing short stories about Juan Valdez and a coffee war between Hills Bros. and Folgers, while in high school Ms. Hershlag starred on Broadway as Anne Frank and authored papers titled "A Simple Method To Demonstrate the Enzymatic Production of Hydrogen from Sugar." A ha! So that's why she's nominated for an Oscar and I'm writing about her Oscar nomination. But I digress. Long story short: Natalie Portman's childhood did not resemble Mischa Barton of "The O.C."

Yet for all that maturity in her own life, Portman's performances, far more often than not, have suggested way too much youthful innocence. Consider 2009's "Brothers", in which she is married to Tobey Maguire's soldier who has just returned, shell-shocked, from Iraq and who is kinda seeing his brother, played by Jake Gyllenhaal, on the sly. Caught between the two, she is the central figure, the movie's crux, but her failure to generate any sort of emotional heat fatally damages the film. Roles such as these are heavy-lifting and all along Portman has been a kind of literal and figurative china doll, too fragile to deal with anything of serious heft. Sure, she won the Best Supporting Actress Golden Globe in 2005 for her work in "Closer" but, seriously, the Globes can't be trusted and while it was admirable for her to take on the role even there she seemed like someone playing dress-up.

"I might just grow to be five-ten. I'll be hot."

No one ever claimed that Portman didn't have promise. I think that much is clear. But she always struck me as someone who invested years and years in top flight acting school, a fact made too obvious because quite often you could clearly see her straining to act, to put all those lessons and long hours with her teachers to good use. My colleague Andrew at Encore Entertainment wrote a tremendous, thoughtful piece on Portman stuffed full of interesting observations and closed, not unintentionally, with "Portman’s sort of incomparable in how much of a slow burn she is – there’s loads of potential there...even if she’s still a mystery to me." An enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle, an actress loaded with potential who had been unable since the early days of her career to put it all together for the - lack of a better term - Break Out.

Enter: Darren Aronofsky. In an interview Portman said: "My relationship with Darren felt almost telepathic. I never had that with any director before. Darren could say half a word and I felt like I could understand him, and I could say half a word and he could understand me. We were in some strange zone of focus that allowed us to share this attention." Portman and Aronofsky are both Jewish, both attended Harvard, and both take acute interest in science (albeit in different fields). Does this all have some sort of symbolic meaning, does it suggest Portman is Aronofsky's present and/or future muse? Maybe, maybe not. But what's clear is he wrested something from her not heretofore glimpsed in "Black Swan", the film for which Portman may very well win a Best Actress Oscar this Sunday.

Yes, she had all the dance training and, yes, she lost all the weight but such things, from this writer's perspective, do not and never have been the concrete of masterful performances. Daniel Day Lewis may have learned to trap animals and fire a musket for "Last of the Mohicans" but that was not what most ably assisted in crafting his subtly defiant turn. Sure, sure, now's the part where dissenters swoop in with "But, Nick, all she did was take hold of the cinematic saxophone and hold one note for two hours."

Who is Portman's Nina Sayers? Well, she's a ballerina and, uh, not much else of anything really. Her domineering mother (Barbara Hershey) was once a ballerina and has molded her daughter into a ballerina and she is a ballerina and is going to stay a ballerina and she goes to ballet practice and then returns home from ballet practice to practice ballet at home and......hey, man, this is kind of a (ahem) one note life. Don't you think? Thomas Leroy (Vincent Cassel) is the sadomasochistic artistic director for Nina's company and he wants her to play the lead for their production of "Swan Lake", the only problem being that Nina, at present, really only has the White Swan in her, not the Black Swan, which is to say that she can only play (ahem) one note. So here she is, the poor, poor girl stuck between the obligatory domineering mother and the requisite sadomasochistic artistic director and damned if she has any idea who she is. Perfect, man, she's gotta be perfect, because between being pushed by these two bloodhounds, well, striving for perfection is all she knows.

Yes, a particular facial expression (as if on the verge of a mammoth nervous breakdown) is often present on Portman's face but to claim that's all she's got is a ridiculous generalization. A couple examples: 1.) The 1970's-era Times Square inspired scene on the subway when that leery old guy is, uh, doing sordid things across the way from Nina and Portman's expression here suggests, again, a little girl who isn't necessarily disgusted by what he's doing but more confused - like she's so sheltered she doesn't quite grasp the situation and 2.) The scene at the club with Mila Kunis's fellow dancer where they are talking with the two guys and we get the impression Nina is a shut-in who has never conversed with a member of the male species outside of Lincoln Center in life as she blathers on about "comp(ing)" tickets. You can even go back to the very beginning with that girlish line reading of "It's so pretty" about the breakfast melon. They are merely variations on that one note, yes, but they are variations.

But then this note she's held for the entire movie explodes in the third act when she metamorphoses into the Black Swan and it is at this point - the most crucial point in the whole two hours - when the film reaches its most histrionic that Portman dials it way back down and suddenly, beautifully, turns eerily calm. This is to say that when her descension into the madness has become complete, she reaches peace, which seems about right, doesn't it, as opposed to descending completely into the madness and then becoming even more mad than you've been the whole movie (see: Daniel Day Lewis in "There Will Be Blood"). It's Springsteen singing "State Trooper" in that low wattage but terrified whisper for the entire song until right there at the end he unleashes the exhilarating, sinister "Whoo!!!!!" If he had led up to the "Whoo!!!!!" with exotic, octave-changing vocals the entire impact is blunted.

Now this type of performance may not be your glass of sangria, and that's fine. Honestly. We can't all get worked up over the same performances because that would be no fun. But......I can't sit idly by while people trot out the "She doesn't do anything" or the "All she did was lose weight and learn how to dance arguments" cuz it just ain't true.

And that's why as I sat in the theater back there in December at the conclusion and Leroy was hovering over her asking "What did you do?" this question could have been answered a couple of ways, the way Nina answers it herself, yes, but also in a way that expressed what Portman had gone off and done as an actress. She had to play a little girl to finally grow up.

Bold (And Bolder) Oscar Predictions

The following are the exact predictions I submitted to both the LAMB Oscar Contest and to the Outguess Ebert Oscar contest which is to say that if I get these all right no one is beating me which is to say this predictions list is a most dangerous molotov cocktail of makes-no-sense-unless-you're-on-my-brainwave. Here goes.

Best Picture. Nominees: "Black Swan", "The Fighter", "Inception", "The Kids Are All Right", "The King's Speech", "127 Hours", "The Social Network", "Toy Story 3", "True Grit", "Winter's Bone." My Prediction: "Winter's Bone." Because if it happens I want to say I called it. (Slightly Related Tangent: Did you know Kobe Bryant recently said of teammate Pau Gasol this: "(He's) very white swan. I need him to be black swan"? Yeah, that's right, so until arguably the most famous athlete in the world compares Lamar Odom to Mark Zuckerberg or Ron Artest to King George VI, "Black Swan" haters, ya best step off.)

"Inception" was likely eliminated from the Best Picture race when an article at ScreenComplaint.com accused the film of being "riddled with factual inaccuracies regarding the abilities of the subconscious.'"

 Best Director. Nominees: Darren Aronofsky for "Black Swan", Joel and Ethan Coen for "True Grit", David Fincher for "The Social Network", Tom Hooper for "The King's Speech", David O. Russell for "The Fighter." My Prediction: Darren Aronofsky. Why? Because I'm biased, that's why. Deal with it.

Best Actor. Nominees: Javier Bardem in "Bitiful", Jeff Bridges in "True Grit", Jesse Eisenberg in "The Social Network", Colin Firth in "The King's Speech", James Franco in "127 Hours". My Prediction: James Franco. Has that year's Oscar host ever won an award? I don't think so. Let's make this happen, if only so we could see Anne Hathaway feign bitterness, which I think would be quite funny. Imagine it. James Franco: "You were nominated, Anne, what, two years ago? But you didn't win? Right?" Anne Hathaway: "Why don't you eat my a--, Franco." It would be the single greatest moment in Oscar hosting history.

Best Actress. Nominees: Annette Bening in "The Kids Are All Right", Nicole Kidman in "Rabbit Hole", Jennifer Lawrence in "Winter's Bone", Natalie Portman in "Black Swan", Michelle Williams in "Blue Valentine". My Prediction: Nicole Kidman. Wait, you're thinking. This is the moron who has spent the last 6 weeks shouting from the mountain tops about how Natalie Portman's performance in "Black Swan" is the greatest thing since Gershwin composed "Rhapsody In Blue" and now he's picking Kidman? What gives? Easy. I don't want to jinx Natalie Portman and since Nicole Kidman already has her Oscar, I can risk jinxing her.

Best Supporting Actor. Nominees: Christian Bale in "The Fighter", John Hawkes in "Winter's Bone", Jeremy Renner in "The Town", Mark Ruffalo in "The Kids Are All Right", Geoffrey Rush in "The King's Speech". My Prediction: John Hawkes. That's right, peeps, he's gonna go all Villanova '85 and punk big, bad Bale.

Best Supporting Actress. Nominees: Amy Adams in "The Fighter", Helena Bonham Carter in "The King's Speech", Melissa Leo in "The Fighter", Hailee Steinfeld in "True Grit", Jacki Weaver in "Animal Kingdom". My Prediction: Amy Adams. I said it 6 weeks ago and I'm sticking to it.

Best Animated Feature. Nominees: "How To Train Your Dragon", "The Illusionist", "Toy Story 3". My Prediction: "Toy Story 3". I'm not a complete idiot.

Best Original Screenplay. Nominees: "Another Year" by Mike Leigh, "The Fighter" by Paul Attanasio, Lewis Colich, Eric Johnson, Scott Silverand Paul Tamasy, "Inception" by Christopher Nolan, "The Kids Are All Right" by Stuart Blumberg and Lisa Cholodenko, "The King's Speech" by David Seidler. My Prediction: Stuart Blumberg and Lisa Cholodenko. My heart is not truly on fire for any of these scripts but I'll pick this one because I am in love with the speech Julianne Moore gives at the end. "Marriage is hard. Just two people slogging through the shit, year after year, getting older, changing. It's a fucking marathon, okay?" Okay.

Best Adapted Screenplay. Nominees: "127 Hours" by Simon Beaufoy and Danny Boyle, "The Social Network" by Aaron Sorkin, "Toy Story 3" by Michael Arndt, story by John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich, "True Grit" by Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, "Winter's Bone" by Debra Granik and Anne Rossellini. My Prediction: Frankly, I wanted to leave this category blank in protest of my favorite screenplay, far, far and away, of the year - David Lindsay-Abaire's "Rabbit Hole" - not being nominated but apparently both contests anticipated my protest and forced me to select someone. Damn it all to hell. So I pick Granik & Rossellini for "Winter's Bone" since it's my second favorite screenplay of the year.

Will someone please explain why this man was not nominated?

Achievement In Art Direction. Nominees: "Alice In Wonderland", "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1", "Inception", "The King's Speech", "True Grit." My Prediction: "The King's Speech." I'm very afraid, though, that between now and Sunday someone is going to write an article bemoaning the historical inaccuracies of the art director's re-creation of Lionel Logue's office.

Achievement In Cinematography. Nominees: Matthew Libatique for "Black Swan", Wally Pfister for "Inception", Danny Cohen for "The King's Speech", Jeff Cronenweth for "The Social Network", Roger Deakins for "True Grit". My Prediction: Matthew Libatique. Woo Woo!!! All aboard the "Black Swan" bandwagon!!! 

Achievement in Costume Design. Nominees: Colleen Atwood for "Alice In Wonderland", Antonella Cannarozzi for "I Am Love", Jenny Beaven for "The King's Speech", Sandy Powell for "The Tempest", Mary Zophres for "True Grit." My Prediction: Sandy Powell, not because she won last year, though she did, but because I absolutely loved the speech she gave. She dedicated her Oscar "to the costume designers that don’t do movies about dead monarchs or glittery musicals. The designers that do the contemporary films and the low-budget ones actually don’t get as recognized as they should, and they work as hard."  Exactly. Which is why Cinema Romantico's Best Costume Design of 2010 goes to Erin Benach for "Blue Valentine."

Achievement in Film Editing. Nominees: Andrew Weisblum for "Black Swan", Pamela Martin for "The Fighter", Tariq Anwar for "The King's Speech", Jon Harris for "127 Hours", Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall for "The Social Network". My Prediction: Andrew Weisblum. Hey, what'd I tell you? Also, the 3rd act of "Black Swan" was my favorite stretch of film - by far - in 2010 and a lot of that had to do with the editing.

Achievement in Makeup. Nominees: "Barney's Version", "The Way Back", "The Wolfman". My Prediction: "The Wolfman". It's, like, a movie about a man who turns into a wolf.

Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Score). Nominees: John Powell for "How To Train Your Dragon", Hans Zimmer for "Inception", Alexandre Desplat for "The King's Speech", A.R. Rahman for "127 Hours", Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for "The Social Network". My Prediction: Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross. I really, really, really, really, really like this.

Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Song). Nominees: "Coming Home" from "Country Strong", Music and Lyrics by Tom Douglas, Troy Verges and Hillary Lindsey. "I See The Light" from "Tangled", Music and Lyrics by Alan Menken, Lyrics by Glenn Slater. "If I Rise" from "127 Hours", Music by A.R. Rahman, Lyrics by Dido and Rollo Armstrong. "We Belong Together" from "Toy Story 3", Music and Lyrics by Randy Newman. My Prediction: "If I Rise", specifically because Florence + Machine will be performing the song at the Oscars in place of Dido and I secretly yearn that instead  of performing "If I Rise" she performs one of her own songs instead and the Academy, realizing Florence + Machine is, like, 387 million x better than all this nominated crap, have an on-the-spot re-vote and give the Oscar to Florence.

Can Florence make history and become the first person ever to win an Oscar despite not having been nominated?

Best Documentary Feature. Nominees: "Exit Through The Gift Shop", "Gasland", "Inside Job", "Restrepo", "Waste Land." My Prediction: "Exit Through The Gift Shop" because you know everyone is jonesing to hear Banksy give an acceptance speech.

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year. Nominees: Biutiful (Mexico), Dogtooth (Greece), In A Better World (Denmark), Incendies (Canada), Hors la Loi (Algeria). My Prediction: "Hors la Loi." Because it's been accused of "falsifying history" and nothing says Best Picture winner like accusations of "falsifying."  

Achievement in Sound Editing. Nominees: "Inception", "Toy Story 3", "TRON: Legacy", "True Grit", "Unstoppable." My Prediction: "Unstoppable." You know what they say, never bet against a movie about a runaway train starring Denzel Washington. 

Achievement in Sound Mixing. Nominees: "Inception", "The King's Speech", "Salt", "The Social Network", "True Grit." My Prediction: "Salt." Because I love this freaking movie.

C'mon, man, Evelyn Salt deserves something. How 'bout Achievement In Sound Mixing?

 Achievement in Visual Effects. Nominees: "Alice In Wonderland", "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1", "Hereafter", "Inception", "Iron Man 2". My Prediction: "Inception." Because that rotating hallway sequence was biscuits and gravy, baby.

Best Documentary Short Subject. Nominees: "Killing In The Name", "Poster Girl", "Strangers No More", "Sun Come Up", "The Warriors Of Qiugang." My Prediction: "The Warriors Of Qiugang." In reading up on it I very much would like to see it. 

Best Short Film (Animated). Nominees: "Day & Night", "The Gruffalo", "Let's Pollute", "The Lost Thing", "Madagascar". My Prediction: "The Gruffalo." Because it rhymes with Ruffalo.

Best Short Film (Live Action). Nominees: "The Confession", "The Crush", "God Of Love", "Na Wewe", "Wish 143". My Prediction: "The Crush." Because it shares the name of Alicia Silverstone's 1993 "masterpiece". Sigh......remember when Alicia Silverstone was an "it" girl? Or does that just reinforce my old age? 

Oscar Nomination Q & A

Now that the nominations for the 83rd Academy Awards have been unveiled the time has arrived for Cinema Romantico to answer the most pertinent questions.  Let's get to it. (A full list of the nominees can be found here.)

Q: What are your thoughts on Tom Cruise's announcement that he and Katie would not be attending this year's ceremony? ......... Wait, why are you gathering batteries, canned food and bottled water?

A: I just assumed the world was ending.

Q: Is Christian Bale ("The Fighter") a lock for Best Supporting Actor?

A: He is, unless a Youtube video surfaces in the next 6 weeks of him on his latest film setting the craft services table on fire while berating interns. Which is 72% possible.

Q: During his Golden Globe acceptance speech did Bale really say of Mark Wahlberg (lead actor in "The Fighter") that "You can only give a loud performance like I gave when you have a quiet anchor. I've played that character many times and it never gets any notice."

A: He did.

Q: So did Mark Wahlberg's performance get nominated for Best Actor?

A: No.

Q: So we're assuming Colin Firth's got the Best Actor for "The King's Speech" all sewn up?

A: Oh, absolutely, and he's entirely worthy of it. Although I'm still sad Edward Norton got absolutely no play whatsoever for his work in "Stone."

Q: "Stone?" I haven't heard about that one. Is that a biopic about Oliver Stone?

A: (Head in hands.)

Edward Norton & Milla Jovovich will tragically, but predictably, each only be attending the Oscars as someone's date.

Q: Do you like Annette Bening's ("The Kids Are All Right") chances to beat out Natalie Portman ("Black Swan") for Best Actress?

A: As a totally non-partial, unbiased observer I can say that I toasted champagne when Hilary beat you in 2005, Bening, and I'm gonna toast champagne in 2011 when Natalie beats you into oblivion again.

Q: Damn, man, have you got a personal grudge against Annette Bening?

A: No! Honest, I don't! She just keeps getting nominated opposite these performances that mean a great deal to me. I was rooting against Kate Winslet in 2005, for God's sake, I wanted Hilary Swank to win so much!

Q: Really? Does Kate Winslet know about this?

A: Just forget it. It never happened. Next question.

Q: Melissa Leo ("The Fighter") earned Best Supporting Actress at the Golden Globes? Does this put her in the driver's seat for the Oscar?

A: Finally! A category with some juice! Leo squaring off her with own film's co-star Amy Adams and with Helena Bonham Carter for "The King's Speech" and Jacki Weaver for "Animal Kingdom" (who's totally awesome, by the way) and Hallee Steinfeld for "True Grit".

Q: Hold it. Wasn't Hallee Steinfeld in essentially every scene in that movie?

A: Hey, she has a better chance winning in this category than she does for Best Actress.

Q: So you think Steinfeld will win?

A: Nope. I'm predicting......wait for it......Amy Adams! That's right, loyal readers! Mark it down! You read it here first! Amy Adams overcomes the Cancel-Each-Other-Out Factor with Leo to win and thereby give the most "painfully earnest" acceptance speech in Oscar history!

Call your bookie today!

Q: Looking at the nominees for Best Director seems to indicate-

A: Fincher.

Q: But I didn't get a chance to-

A: Fincher.

Q: You're rooting for Aronofsky, though, so don't you think he might-

A: Fincher.

Your next winner for Best Picture?

Q: So is "The Social Network", winner of the top prize at The Golden Globes, a shoe-in for Best Picture? Or will "The King's Speech", recent winner of Best Picture at the Producer's Guild Awards, steal its facebooking thunder?

A: Myron Plotz, associate director at the National Backlash Center in Burbank, CA, predicts a significant wave of backlash post-nominations against "The Social Network" for "misreading new media" will propel "The King's Speech" to front-runner status before a wave of backlash against "The King's Speech" for choosing to portray Colin Firth's cinematic stutter solely as "a by-product of emotional abuse" allows "The Social Network" to surge back to the lead and hold off "The King's Speech" by a nose at the wire.

Q: But what about the fact that in real life Mark Zuckerberg did not create Facebook simply as a means to get girls? That he actually already had and continues to have the same girlfriend?

A: Did you know that the real life Karen Hill of "Goodfellas" had an affair with the Paul Sorvino character and that the Joe Pesci character tried to rape her?

Q: Well-

A: Did you know the real life Robert Gould Shaw of "Glory" at first declined the offer to command the 54th Massachusetts Infantry and that there wasn't actually a runaway slave named Trip in the outfit?

Q: Yeah, but-

A: Did you know that the Max Schreck of "Shadow Of The Vampire" who filmed "Nosferatu" in 1921 wasn't really a vampire? ......... Wait, why are you trying to unplug my keybo-

Logging The Oscars

Since I have no vested interest in the Academy Awards this year I have decided to do something I have long wanted to and log my way through them. Hopefully this will allow me to maintain my interest. I mean, there are important questions to be answered this evening. Like, will Kathryn Bigelow become the first woman to win an Oscar for Best Direction? (Even though, as I've stated numerous times, Sofia Coppola already should have earned that distinction.) Will "That girl from the bus" (as Frank Costanza once called Sandra Bullock) win an Oscar? Will this be the most anti-climactic awards show in history? And will Ryan Bingham win for Best Original Song meaning I can say I've seen an Oscar winner from 10 feet away taking repeated shots of whiskey sent to the stage by potential groupies? The fun is just beginning! Maybe....

7:10 PM - The part of the traditional Oscar Night Entire Bottle Of Wine will be played this year by a Chilean Carmenere called Casillero del Diablo (given to me by my father at Christmas), which translates to "Cellar of the Devil". Do you think this has any deeper meaning? Chilean wine? Cellar of the Devil? Perhaps not, except to say, "Hey, God, it's enough with the effin' earthquakes, don't you think?" It contains hints of "chocolate, coffee, raspberries, and blackberries." I don't if it is supposed to be paired with a medium rare burger smothered in blue cheese and a side of fries but I don't care. This is the meal of champions! And to get into the spirit of the coming ceremony - 20 minutes away - I'm watching "The Source Awards" episode of "30 Rock". Listening to Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy recite a litany of fake rapper names might be funnier than anything we see the rest of the night.

7:30 PM - Show under way! The Best Actor and Actress nominees take the stage. And then leave. Not sure what that was all about.

7:32 PM - No Steve Martin & Alec Baldwin. Instead we get Neil Patrick Harris doing a song & dance and only two minutes into the telecast we get our first botox joke. Oh, God. This is going to be a long night.

7:34 PM - Steve Martin & Alec Baldwin descend to the stage from the ceiling which means that, yes, the Oscars have already ripped off Lady Gaga! Ah, friends, you haven't lived until you've seen Lady Gaga descend to the stage aboard a metal cage while playing her keytar.

7:39 PM - I'm digging these guys as hosts. All their jokes seem to have a certain "We Know We Can't Win" whimsy about them. Steve: "Look, there's that damn Helen Mirren." Alec: "Uh, Steve, that's dame Helen Mirren." Anything Alec Baldwin says is funny. He just knows how to inflect.

7:41 PM - George Clooney does not look happy to be there. (My sister would also note this later in a text message.) Has he tired of Hollywood's bourgeoisie ways? Or is he too upset that Kelly Macdonald wasn't nominated for Best Actress?

7:45 PM - First award of the night. Best Supporting Actor. In the clip for Christopher Plummer in "The Last Station" we see co-star James McEvoy who has apparently become the Work With Me And You Will Get Nominated But I Won't guy.

7:48 PM - Christoph Waltz wins, of course, for "Inglorious Basterds". Very eloquent speech. He cited Quentin Tarantino's "unorthodox methods of navigation."

8:01 PM - The big one...at least for me. Best Original Song. And, yes, Ryan Bingham, along with T Bone Burnett, win for "The Weary Kind" from "Crazy Heart". I'm happy. I noticed he thanked his wife. I didn't know he was married. I wonder if she knows about the potential groupies sending him repeated shots of whiskey? Hmmmmmm.

8:08 PM - Commercial. "Wedding Crashers" is showing on Comedy Central. What do you think about Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson as future Oscar hosts?

8:12 PM - Wait, I take that back. Tina Fey & Robert Downey Jr. are presenting Best Original Screenplay. These two should be the hosts. Funny stuff. Fey, speaking for writers to actors: "You should just say whatever we tell you."

8:15 PM - Mark Boal wins for "The Hurt Locker". Another eloquent speech. All right, maybe this 45 second idea wasn't so bad.

8:18 PM - Nice tribute to deceased writer/director John Hughes with many of his former actors turning up to say nice things. Really liked the Hughes quote in the midst of the montage relating to high school: "That pressure to belong is so enormous." Few filmmakers captured that better than Hughes.

8:30 PM - Best Documentary Short. The director starts his speech and then some woman with what appear to be "crazy eyes" dives in from stage left and starts yammering into the mic. The director doesn't look pleased. Restraining himself from possibly strangling her. The orchestra plays them off. Not sure what just happened but that did not look right. (Next Day Follow Up: This is what apparently happened.)

8:43 PM - First Kate Winlset sighting!

8:48 PM - Best Adapted Screenplay. I'm betting $5 Jason Reitman gets played off when he wins (along with Sheldon Turner for "Up in the Air"). Oh, and I hope when I win my Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay that Rachel McAdams is presenting like she is tonight. I'll take the opportunity to pitch her a script.

8:49 PM - Wait! Reitman doesn't win! He goes down to Geoffrey Fletcher for "Precious"! Is this our first upset? Not sure, but Fletcher certainly didn't look like he expected to win. Congrats to him.

8:53 PM - Oh my god! Here it is! They're actually showing footage of the Governor's Dinner where the Honorary Oscars were handed out, including the one given to....Lauren Bacall! And Lauren Bacall is there! She's at the Oscars! Yay! She doesn't get to stand on the stage and she gets as much face time as Miley Cyrus and way less than Ben Stiller dressed up in the "Avatar" costume telling really, really, really, really, really stupid jokes but, hey, it's something.

8:55 PM - Best Supporting Actress. The clip for Vera Farmiga in "Up in the Air" includes her saying "banged." Can you say "banged" on network TV? Monique wins. Of course. Also, I was officially, 100% wrong about the 45 second speech thing. I admit it. It's strengthening the speeches. One note: Monique said something about the Academy recognizing the performance rather than the politics (since she refused to campaign for the award) but I kinda think Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner might not have won the Best Adapted Screenplay because of politics.

9:03 PM - Half the bottle of wine is gone. What does this mean? The chances of me watching "Paparazzi" on DVR just increased by 50%.

9:10 PM - Sandy Powell wins Best Costume Design for "Young Victoria". I think she has the best dress of the night though I'm sure Joan Rivers will disagree with me.

9:22 PM - George Clooney just smiled! First time all night!

9:27 PM - Paul Ottosson just won two Oscars for sound awards for "The Hurt Locker" back to back. He got them both, like, 14 seconds apart. That's gotta be a record. I hope "The Hurt Locker" isn't getting all the technical awards only to have "Avatar" get the biggies at the end. Although "Avatar" has won some too this evening. I don't know how many they've both won. I'm a little drunk here.

9:33 PM - Commercial. "Wedding Crashers" is at commercial too so I flip down one channel and find myself watching (gulp) "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". It seems Kim's brother is ruining her birthday party because he's drunk but Kim doesn't really care because she's more worried about the fact there isn't a private plane available, or something, because she has to shoot a commercial for Carl's Jr. tomorrow. I deserve to have 2 years taken off my life for having watched that.

9:46 PM - Uh oh! It's hip hop dance time! To the sounds of the Original Score nominees! You know what this means?! "Paparazzi" on DVR!

9:53 PM - I return just in time to see Micahael Giacchino win for "Up". I wrote: "That was a great speech" but didn't record any quotes from it. Sorry.

9:55 PM - "Avatar" wins for Best Visual Effects. Duh. Everyone who wins for "Avatar" thanks James Cameron but he doesn't even look grateful or humbled when they do it. He looks like he expected it. Dude's probably got more skill than anyone in that room but seriously....

9:58 PM - Commercial. Channel 4 is showing Springsteen "Live In Barcelona"! I swear! Which is absolutely perfect because it allows me to link to this!

10:04 PM - "The Cove" wins Best Documentary. Pretty foregone. The Producer talks but they play off the Director. Nice. How many really, really, really, really, really stupid jokes did Ben Stiller tell again?

10:06 PM - Tyler Perry is presenting at the Oscars. Did the seventh seal just get opened?

10:07 PM - Best Editing goes to Bob Murawski and Chris Innis for "The Hurt Locker". Love what Murawski says: "A film made without compromise. We didn't have any focus groups or studio notes. We made the movie we wanted to make." Amen.

10:15 PM - Best Foreign Language Film. A good time to mention I saw the nominated "A Prophet" this afternoon. Review to come later this week. "The Secret In Their Eyes" from Argentina wins.

10:25 PM - Now the big stuff begins. Best Actor. I like the intros to all the nominees. I'd like to think the little monologues given were written by the actors giving them. Maybe they were. Who knows? On Jeremy Renner in "The Hurt Locker" Colin Farrell says: "It wasn't right or left. It was just one man." Amen again.

10:31 PM - Kate "The Coolest" Winslet presenting to....Jeff Bridges. Of course. So little suspense it was kinda boring. They also let him talk much longer than 45 seconds. Good.

10:39 PM - Best Actress. Wouldn't it be cool if Carey Mulligan went all Marisa Tomei? (By the way, I think I just saw Kelly Macdonald outside walking her dog.) Stanley Tucci's intro to Meryl Streep's nom might be the best work of any presenter all night. Funny and touching.

10:48 PM - "That girl from the bus" is now a Best Actress winner. So be it. Kate "The Coolest" already has hers so I'm content. Sandra Bullock really does know how to give a good speech, though.

10:52 PM - Really? Barbara Streisand is presenting Best Director? If Kathryn Bigelow doesn't win how embarrassing would this be? Would she curse out James Cameron if he wins? (As my friend Rory pointed out this morning, they made a big deal out of the fact no woman director has ever won but not as big of a deal that no black director has ever won. Like, say, Spike Lee not winning for "Do the Right Thing" in 1989. Whoops! I forgot! He wasn't even nominated! But Peter Weir was for "Dead (Excuse Me While I Puke) Poets Society".)

10:55 PM - Streisand opens the envelope and says: "The time has come." Barbara....doing her best to make it just a little bit more about her. But in any event, Bigelow wins. Good for her. She deserves it. Suck it, Nochimson! Also, the first name Bigelow checks in her speech is the screenwriter's. I'm just sayin'.

10:59 PM - "The Hurt Locker" wins Best Picture. Lowest grossing winner ever in the same year as the highest grossing movie ever. Let's return to the line of "The Hurt Locker's" editor: "A film made without compromise. We didn't have any focus groups or studio notes. We made the movie we wanted to make."

And it won Best Picture. Hmmmmmmm......