The Cinema Romantico Action Hero Championship Belt

You might have heard that Bill Simmons, The Sports Guy, Grantland founder, recently threw up a mammoth article on his site in which he re-imagined the Action Movie Star as a sort of Heavyweight Champion. His argument is that the Hollywood action hero as we know him and her began in 1968 with Steve McQueen's "Bullit" and so he goes from there, naming champion after champion. It's a typical Simmons list, not at all wholly inaccurate, but spotty on its real movie history (such as giving the belt to Jackie Chan for "Rush Hour 3" as opposed to any of his Hong Kong efforts) and littered with head-scratching decisions such as Sylvester Stallone re-claiming the belt in 1996 for "Daylight" (wait, what?).

His list, as it had to, got me to thinking. It got me to thinking: what if Cinema Romantio had its own Action Hero Championship Belt? You know, like this blog was a fly-by-night fringe boxing council - The Kremlin-Calexico International Boxing Federation - that awarded its own title belt that absolutely nobody - including the recipients, who would in all likelihood decline it - took seriously or even paid attention to? A champion's list that made people reading it think, "Who the hell made this list? What is with this guy?" Ah, now that sounds like the Cinema Romantico Action Hero Championship Belt!

ac·tion he·ro
     1. Ineffable
      "that's my favorite action hero!"

The Cinema Romantico Action Hero Championship Belt (established 1977)

Harrison Ford. 1977 - 1988.

For: "Star Wars Trilogy", "Raiders of the Lost Ark."

Bruce Willis. 1988 - 1992.

For: "Die Hard."

Daniel Day-Lewis. 1992 - 1998.

For: "Last of the Mohicans."

Robert DeNiro. 1998 - 2000.

For: "Ronin."

Zhang Ziyi. 2000 - 2003.

For: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon."

Johnny Depp. 2003 -  2005.

For: "Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl."

Matt Damon. 2005 - 2010.

For: "The Bourne Supremacy", "The Bourne Ultimatum."

Angelina Jolie. 2010 - Present.

For: "Salt" (and general contributions to global badassery)

Whine & Cheese (A Short Film, Based On The Social Network By Aaron Sorkin)

INT. MODISH OFFICE – HOLLYWOOD HILLS – LATE MORNING 

The GRAND CHANCELLOR OF HOLLYWOOD, too tan, somehow worn out and pristine at once, drinking Five Hour Energy, sits at his oak desk. A framed “Avatar” poster hangs on the wall, hovering just over his right shoulder. 

JOHNNY DEPP and ARMIE HAMMER burst into the room. Depp is moderately cool. Hammer is flustered.

ARMIE HAMMER 

Good morning, sir. I'm Armie Hammer and this is-

JOHNNY DEPP

Woah, woah, Armie. I make more money than you. My name was first on the poster. We talked about this. 

ARMIE HAMMER

Right, right. Sorry. (gathering himself) Good morning, sir. This is Johnny Depp and I’m Armie Hammer. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

And you're here because... either of you can answer. 

ARMIE HAMMER

Well, we starred together in “The Lone Ranger”- 

Johnny Depp clears his throat. 

ARMIE HAMMER

I co-starred alongside Johnny Depp in “The Lone Ranger.” It was a gigantic flop. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

I understand. And I'm asking what you want me to do about it.

ARMIE HAMMER

Well, sir, this is the deal with American film critics. They’ve been gunning for our movie since it was shut down the first time. I think that’s probably when the most of the critics wrote their reviews. They jumped on the bandwagon- 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

Melissa? 

MELISSA JOAN HART, the Grand Chancellor’s secretary, enters the room. 

MELISSA

Yes, sir?

GRAND CHANCELLOR

Punch me in the face. 

He turns back to Armie Hammer. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

Go ahead. 

ARMIE HAMMER

(shaken)

… and slit the jugular of our film. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

And you memorized that instead of doing what?

JOHNNY DEPP

Grand Chancellor, if I may. I think the reviews were written when they heard we were going to do “The Lone Ranger.” I think the reviews were written seven or eight months probably before we ever released the film.

GRAND CHANCELLOR

Have you tried dealing with the American press directly?

ARMIE HAMMER

Well, we gave a pretty harsh interview that let them know the score of the game. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

You gave an interview to the press complaining about the press?

ARMIE HAMMER

(stuttering)

Well, we let them know who was responsible for it being a flop.

GRAND CHANCELLOR

I don't see this flop as a film critic issue. 

ARMIE HAMMER

Of course this is a film critic issue. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

You enter into a code of ethics with the movies themselves, not with the film critics. 

ARMIE HAMMER

I'm sorry, Grand Chancellor, but what you just said makes no sense to me at all. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

I'm devastated by that. 

ARMIE HAMMER

This isn’t petty larceny. The film critics cost us gazillions in box office! 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

Gazillions?! 

ARMIE HAMMER

Yes. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

You might just be letting your imaginations run away with you. 

ARMIE HAMMER

Sir, I honestly don't think you're in any position to make that call. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

I’m the Grand Chancellor of Hollywood. I'm in some position to make that call. 

ARMIE HAMMER

Letting our imaginations run away with us is exactly what we were told to do in first year film class. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

Then I would suggest that you let your imaginations run away with you on a new project. 

Johnny Depp suddenly becomes very excited. 

JOHNNY DEPP

A new project?! Like what?! “Bonanza”?! “Gunsmoke”?! “Adventures Of Rin Tin Tin”?! “The Honeymooners”?! Oooooh. “The Honeymooners”! (Turing to Armie Hammer) I could be Kramden, you could be Norton. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

What I mean is…something original. Inventing a film is better than basing a film on something already done in the 1930’s. So, I'll suggest again that the two of you come up with a new project. 

ARMIE HAMMER

I'm sorry, sir, but that's not the point. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

Please, arrive at the point. 

ARMIE HAMMER

You don't have to be a cinematic intellectual to understand the difference between a well-made product and a critical agenda. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

And you're saying that I don't? 

ARMIE HAMMER

Of course I'm not saying that, sir. 

JOHNNY DEPP

Well, I'm saying that. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR

Really? 

INT. NON-DESCRIPT MOVIE SET (PROBABLY A WAREHOUSE) – SOFIA, BULGARIA – SIX MONTHS LATER 

VAL KILMER hordes food at the craft services table. JOHNNY DEPP enters. 

JOHNNY DEPP

Can someone tell me where wardrobe is?

VAL KILMER

Sorry, pal. Wardrobe's what you're wearing.

TARA REID

(off camera)

Holy shit. 

Now we see TARA REID. She sits on a can of paint thinner off to the side, smoking a cigarette.

TARA REID

You’re in this fucking movie? 

JOHNNY DEPP

I’m not even sure what movie this is. 

VAL KILMER 

Neither are we. We just show up, they give us some lines, let us block our own scenes, and then we get paid. The title of whatever it is usually starts with a "The".

Tara Reid throws her cigarette aside and walks (wobbles) toward Johnny Depp.

TARA REID

Can I get your autograph, man?

Johnny Depp sighs. 

FADE OUT

Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides (Two Years Later)

--“You haven’t changed.” 
--“Implying the need.”

I have a complicated relationship with Capt. Jack Sparrow. I loved Johnny Depp’s performance as the slurring, mincing, eyeshadow-inundated pirate in 2003’s “Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl” so much I named it the performance of the decade. I meant it. I stand by it. I put that performance side-by-side with George C. Scott in “Dr. Strangelove” and Kevin Kline in "A Fish Called Wanda" and Peter Sellers in the original “Pink Panther” and Buster Keaton in “Steamboat Bill Jr.”, film scholars be damned. It’s that good, so committed to appearing so extemporaneous, the only performance I can recall that manages to steal the totality of a $140 million production right out from under its elephantine production and special effects.

On the other hand, I was so repulsed by the third entry in the series, “At World’s End”, after being just generally annoyed with the second entry, that I walked out on it. No, really. I did. Got up and walked right out of the theater.

What has always troubled me is the possibility that the second and third (and fourth) films would taint his astonishing achievement in the first. With each successive cash grab and with each subsequent attempt to go bigger and the deeper in overtaxed movies, he becomes more buried and the further from his brilliance we get and the more distant it becomes. Thus, in the face of “The Lone Ranger”, featuring a much dissected performance by Depp as the infamous Tonto, and 10 years (to the month) since the Capt. Jack Sparrow Winds that brought so much relief and liveliness, I chose to take the plunge I consciously neglected two years ago. That is, I watched the fourth entry in the “Pirates of the Caribbean” series, “On Stranger Tides.”

And when I say watched, what I mean is that I DVR’d it off ABC Family and viewed it in increments – here and there over dinner or lunch, when I had 10 minutes to kill waiting for a friend, etc. It was (almost) exactly what I expected, which, as those who have been with Cinema Romantico since the beginning know full well, I do not mean in any way as a compliment.

One, the film is endless. Truly the last three films in this series (and even the first one in some respects) represent the frustrating sensation of a family vacation at its tail-end, when the sight-seeing is done and the station wagon is on the last stretch of road and all you want to do is be home but home seems so…far…away. Even watching it in increments it feels endless! “God, that six minutes went by like four hours.”

Second, the film is incoherent. This is not to say the plot – involving a search for the mystical Fountain of Youth – is necessarily incoherent – though it does, as it must, reach overkill with chalices and mermaids and yada yada – but that it comes across as if possessing a disdain for pacing, skipping from action scene to action scene so relentlessly and carelessly it loses its grip (which, of course, is why it feels endless).

Third, the film is uninventive. As established, it involves the Fountain of Youth, Ponce de Leon’s supposed “baby”, as mystical a fable as this old Blue Planet has ever conjured, and upon arrival all we receive is the movie's umpteenth sword fight and a crib from the end of "Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade." I suspect the irony of the Fountain of Youth and the film’s tired employment of it was entirely lost on its makers. Alas.

Fourth, Penelope Cruz, portraying the perfectly named Angelica, the is-she, isn’t-she daughter of the legendarily frightful Blackbeard (Ian McShane, solid), is wasted. And a pity too because I suspect another movie may have been lurking in the edges, based around Angelica and the woozy Capt. Jack.

In the first three films Depp never really had (all due respect to Keira Knightley, whom I like very much) a proper contessa with whom he could playfully spar. The de Havlliand to his Flynn, if you will. There is a splendid moment on an isolated beach when Depp and Cruz verbally have at it, she telling lies and he believing them, if only for a second, before thinking better of it, even though we can tell he doesn’t really want to. The fatal issue? This moment happens about four minutes before the movie ends. T’is a pity, for if so much story had not needed advancing by keeping them apart, perhaps they could have spent more time together. And so it seems we only get further and further away from Depp’s original genius. But do we?

Very early, after the prologue I have completely forgotten, Capt. Jack Sparrow is shackled to an ornate chair for a council with King George. But Capt. Jack Sparrow, as we know, prefers talking with his hands, wild, effeminate gestures, and this task becomes nigh impossible when handcuffed to arm rests. Yet, try he must, and so the clinking and clanging of the irons accompanies his every word in the misbegotten attempts to pantomime. It is funny. It is really funny, and it harkens back to what makes the original performance so special.

It's still there, by God, in each movie, right under our noses, we just have to look for it. If only the makers of these monstrosities had bothered to try.