' ' Cinema Romantico: New Jack Hoth

Thursday, October 21, 2010

New Jack Hoth

"Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!" This, of course, is what the fiery, beguiling Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) says to Han Solo (Harrison Ford) in arguably their most classic will they/won't they? moment in "The Empire Strikes Back" (1980). The obvious question is this: What the hell is a nerf herder?

Well, according to the Star Wars Wiki a nerf herder was this: "(S)omeone who herded nerfs on various planets throughout the galaxy. As it was solely an occupation for lower-class beings, the term 'nerf herder' became an insult used throughout the galaxy. Nerf herders were often somewhat simple, but as a result of living outdoors and fighting off anything that interfered with their herds, they became quite capable."

That's one explanation. Here's another: that Carrie Fisher, high on coke, ad libbed this line and George Lucas was much too busy trying to perfect the AT-AT walker to notice a bit of dialogue.

Reader: Wait, wait, wait, wait....what was that?

Huh? Oh. You mean the coke thing? Right. Sure. Carrie Fisher recently admitted that, yes, she snorted coke on the set of "The Empire Strikes Back."

I knew I saw Princess Leia in Hamsterdam!
Look, we all know Carrie Fisher did drugs. That's not the point. The point is she was doing drugs ON HOTH!!! This is like Gary McLain being high at the White House! This is unacceptable! This is betrayal! I had "Star Wars" bubble bath! BUBBLE BATH!!!

What makes it even more disturbing is Fisher's exact quote: "We did cocaine on the set of Empire." WE??? WE did cocaine??? Who's WE??? Did General Reeikan do cocaine? Did Mark Hamill do some blow in the Wampa's cave? Did Anthony Daniels snort a few lines off the top of R2-D2? IS NOTHING SACRED?????

What's next, Carrie? You tell us you shot up heroin in Jabba's palace? Smoked crack on Endor? Why don't you just put my ENTIRE childhood in a meth lab and blow it up???!!! My adolescence was lies! LIES!!!!!


Wretched Genius said...

Let me get this straight: you have lived your entire life up to this point assuming that all of the famous people you watched in the 1980's were not on cocaine?

Nick Prigge said...

I strongly believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. Especially where "Star Wars" is involved.

My Other Brother Daryl said...

If doing drugs equals "The Empire Strikes Back," but sobriety brings you the other Star Wars movies, then I volunteer to buy the 8-balls for the next set of Star Wars movies, which undoubtedly will star Shia Labeouf.

Nick Prigge said...

WELL played, sir.

Wretched Genius said...

Preposterous! Lucas would never make a new Stars Wars film starring Shia Labeouf. That's just absurd.

Instead, Lucas will digitally insert Labeouf into the role previously occupied by Hayden Christianson, claiming that Labeouf was always his first choice for grown-up Annakin, but was too young at the time of filming.