Breaking My New Girl Vow

I made a promise to watch every episode of Zooey Deschanel's sitcom "New Girl" and blog about it. But as one of the wisest sages of the 80's proclaimed: "Promises made are promises broken. Promises made always cause pain."

It was probably destined to end this way.

Let's be honest, this promise has caused me pain, particularly with the most recent episode of "New Girl" - "The Landlord" - which was on the level of that one "Big Bang Theory" episode I watched solely because it was about Nebraska Football which was a disgrace to Nebraska Football, Leslie Knope, and humanity. Yet in the face of this half-hour monstrosity I still wasn't about to renege on my promise. And then I read Josef Adalian's article for Vulture, "How TV Pilots Looking For Stars Are Benefitting From The Zooey Effect."

He writes: "...industry types we spoke to said (Deschanel's) smashingly successful move to the small screen in New Girl underscores just how dramatically the TV casting dynamic has changed in recent years." Smashingly successful?! This is partially MY fault! I've aided in making "New Girl" smashingly successful by tuning in to every single episode! Yet the article only became more troubling.

Adalian continues: "So which buzzworthy young 'uns are showing up on casting radars this pilot season? One agent source says he's heard many mentions of Malin Akerman." RECORD SCRATCH!!! That's my official Cinematic Crush you're talkin' about here! Key word: Cinematic. Look, I know she's great and dry and funny on "Children's Hospital" but this isn't what we want from Malin full time, is it? It can't be! Please! Tell me it isn't! She's a silver-screenster! If Ms. Akerman winds up on some TV show where she has to film an episode as noxious as "The Landlord" that would be too much to bear! It would be one thing if she landed the lead on, say, a Showtime original with a no b.s., hard-charging role with a creator who played by no rules but his own, but this article makes it sound like we're talking Big Four Network and that is "Sleepaway Camp" frightening (unless she lands a recurring role on "Community" as Britta's apolitical nemesis, except "Community" has basically been cancelled).

Save Malin. Stop The Zooey Effect.

In the face of this I can't continue to knowingly aid and abet The Zooey Effect. I made a promise, yes, but I also have principles. And to adhere to this promise in the face of these new revelations would be a severe soiling of my principles. Thus, my promise made must be broken. I'll feel bad abandoning Lizzy Caplan but it's a necessary sacrifice. And besides, now I can spend that half-hour writing or watching something on TMC or seeking out unreleased Lady Gaga tracks or reading Lady Gaga on Twitter or reading my book or going for a jog or cleaning my oven or staring at a wall or counting all the sheets of fabric softener I have left.

Au revoir, Zooey. I'm gonna get along without you now.