Summer Movie Preview: Best/Worst Case

I know, I know. It’s not even summer, you say! It’s April! It’s thirty-nine degrees with a chance of snow! How can it be “The Summer Movie Season”? Well, the summer movie season waits for no weather report. The summer movie season is a season unto itself, one that begins in late April and ends in mid-August, give or take, depending on how much expired product major studios have left sitting in their stock rooms and need to unload, thereby transforming the eighth month of a year into a dumping ground for perishable motion pictures that have, rest assured, perished. So suck it up. This is the once-great mattress we threw down underneath an on ramp and we have to sleep on it.

Happy Summer Movie Season!

The summer movie season of 2016 looks no different than any other summer movie season. Sequels, remakes and reboots, oh my, and something called The Angry Birds Movie, which I do not understand and will not address. Even so, summer movie season is a way of life whether we like it or not, and so we here at Cinema Romantico, as we do each and every “summer”, examine a few of the more extensive tentpoles from the viewpoint of what their best and worst scenarios could be. Join us, won’t you?

Summer Movie Preview: Best/Worst Case Scenarios

Money Monster (May 13). Best Case: The preview was just another infamous Clooney prank! Ha ha ha! The “Money Monster” refers to the name of Clooney’s yacht at his place on Lake Como where he and Jules film a Cary Grant/Grace Kelly-ish heist-ish trifle remarkable for its fluffy revelry. People wonder why in the hell these two have not been fronting films together for years. Twenty-five more George/Julia movies are commissioned. Worst Case: True to the trailer’s terrifying word, despite finally getting these two true blue movie stars back in a movie together, they are barely ever allowed to be on screen together at the same time.

The Nice Guys (May 20). Best Case: Shane Black proves to really be onto something with this “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” pseudo-sequel, every ten years releasing another one with a new leading duo, beginning with the 2025 release of “Hayride with Dracula”, starring Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts because finally someone grasps that these two need to be in buddy cop movie together. Worst Case: The film is so successful that Black is hired to helm the inevitable “Central Intelligence” (see below) sequel, “Federal Bureau”, starring Kevin Hart and Kevin Nealon.

The Buddy Cop movie of my dreams.

Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising (May 20). Best Case: Rose Byrne renounces Seth Rogen to join forces with Chloe Grace Moretz and Kappa Kappa Nu as the sorority crushes the fraternity. Worst Case: Seth Rogen & Zac Efron stop the Sorority’s Rising with minimal help from Rose Byrne, eliciting a “Neighbors 3” which functions as a crossover with “Old School” which becomes required viewing for all Skulls initiations.

X Men: Apocalypse (May 27). Best Case: It actually is the Apocalypse – the Superhero Movie Apocalypse, that is, and the screen will split apart like a scroll when it is rolled up, and every superhero and every superhero movie’s director were moved out of their places. For the great day of their wrath will have come, and who will be able to stand? Worst Case: The Apocalypse merely engenders a rebirth, with a re-booting of “X Men”, as all the principal characters are played by members of TNT’s cast of “Dallas” – call it, “X Men of Dallas.”

Central Intelligence (June 17). Best Case: As the CIA operative chasing Dwayne Johnson’s character, and in a nod to Michael Keaton in “The Other Guys”, Amy Ryan speaks almost exclusively in Boyz II Men quotes. Worst Case: It makes you remember at every turn that the trailer employed the lamentable phrase “A Little Hart and A Big Johnson” because it’s just that clever.

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We interrupt this summer movie preview to provide a still from the forthcoming “High Rise” (May 13) in which Sienna Miller apparently plays the character I have long dreamed she would play in a movie - that is, a cigarette smoking, martini slurping faded diva haughtily judging everyone from on high.

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Independence Day Resurgence (June 24). Best Case: Charlotte Gainsbourg plays the leader of a violent splinter SETI group. Cable Repairman David Levinson has, in the ensuing twenty years, found a way to break up the cable company monopoly. Russell Case, like Geppetto, Figaro and Cleo winding up alive in Monstro’s belly, is alive inside the remnants of the alien spaceship (please don’t ask) and returns to re-save the day. Worst Case: I don’t want to imagine a worst case for this movie. I just want this movie to be Emmerich good.

Ghostbusters (July 15). Best Case: The funniest stuff was deliberately kept out of the trailer, the rare delayed gratification Hollywood marketing ploy, and the movie soars as the quartet of female paranormal investigators don’t simply duplicate but duplicate and expand. Kate McKinnon becomes a damn star. Worst Case: That was the funniest stuff in the trailer. Projectile Vomit for everyone!!!

Star Trek Beyond (July 22). Best Case: Fed up with J.J. Abrams constantly referencing the past in previous “Star Trek” reboots, new director Justin Lin reboots the reboots, re-imagining James T. Kirk as a by-the-book intellectual, Spock as a piratical anarchist, Bones as a fiery stand-up comic, Scotty as an ex-member of the IRA, and Uhura as less Starfleet communications officer and more Naomie Harris in “Miami Vice.” Worst Case: Much like Benedict Cumberbatch turned out to be Khan (spoiler alert!) in “Star Trek Into Darkness”, Idris Elba turns out to be interstellar con man Harry Mudd.

Jason Bourne (July 29). Best Case: Fed up that the government has AGAIN employed some shady black ops to try and take him out, Jason Bourne decides his only recourse is to slyly spring a trap where he lures unwitting, dimwitted America into nuclear war with unwitting, dimwitted North Korea. They blow each other up. Jason Bourne lazes on a beach in the south Pacific with Nicky Parsons. Worst Case: As Jason Bourne lazes on a beach in the south Pacific with Nicky Parsons, a shady dude (Michael Sheen) emerges from the palm trees. The Moby song plays. The Shady Dude says: “Jason. Do you want to know what you really are?” Jason and Nicky sigh.

Suicide Squad (August 5). Best Case: Jared Leto saves his grandest prank for last, rigging it so that every digital projector in the world showing the “Suicide Squad” will automatically incinerate mid-movie. Worst Case: The movie rips the box office a new one. It so successful that producers decide to forgo the sequel and that sequel’s sequel eventually giving way to the reboot and simply making the reboot the sequel to the original.

Summer Movie Q & A

It’s that time of year again! I recently “sat down” with Hollywood e-zine Film de Cinema (founder: Jiff Ramsey) for a Q & A regarding the upcoming summer movie season. As always, the following is the full “transcript”:

You know how excited people were for "The Dark Knight Rises" last summer? That's how excited Cinema Romantico is for "Before Midnight."

Film de Cinema: “Before Midnight”, the highly anticipated sequel to “Before Sunset”, expects to give us wistful closure regarding the greatest silver screen couple since Steve & Slim. Nearly every review has been a rave. For example-
Cinema Romantico: Earmuffs! EARMUFFS!!!
FdC: But don’t you just want to know-
CR: Don’t tell me a thing! Do you hear me?! NOT A THING! IF YOU RUIN EVEN THE MOST MINISCULE PLOT DEVELOPMENT, SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE IN THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT!
FdC: But the trailer has been out there for a month!
CR: And do you know what it’s like living in fear of a trailer? Going to movies and having to sit in the seat next to the aisle – even if the theater is basically empty – so you can leap to your feet and dash to the lobby on the off chance the trailer might appear?
FdC: Okay, okay. Sorry. Yeesh. Talk about getting off on the wrong foot.
CR: My apologies. But this is Jesse and Celine. The rules are different.
FdC: Aside from “Before Midnight”, what film are you most anticipating this summer?

(Pause.)

FdC: Wait. What are you doing?
CR: What does it look like I’m doing?
FdC: It looks like you’re striking an attractively gloomy pose while listening to My Bloody Valentine.
CR: Precisely! So…….
FdC: So you must be mentally preparing for “The Bling Ring”! The new movie from one of your favorite directors, Sofia Coppola!




CR: Some people may be excited this summer for the theft escapades of “The Fast and the Furious 18: Furiouser & Furiouser” (filming of the 20th installment to begin this summer in the middle of the filming of the 19th installment) but I’m most excited for the theft escapades of “The Bling Ring.”
FdC: Do you think Vin Diesel would ever star in a Sofia film?
CR: She would make him sooooooooo fetch.
FdC: Will Johnny Depp and Armie Hammer as Tonto and “The Lone Ranger” be the movie duo of the summer?
CR: Actually the movie duo of the summer will be writer/director Noah Baumbach and his muse Greta Gerwig in “Frances Ha.”

The Summer Movie Duo of 2013

FdC: Wait, wait, wait. We’re discussing the summer movie season and so far all we’ve talked about is Linklater, Coppola and Baumbach. Where am I? Tribeca? What the hell is going on?
CR: I know! Isn’t it grand?! I’ve never looked forward to a summer movie season so much in my life!!!
FdC: But I feel like this is just a snobbish version of a summer movie Q&A. I feel like we’re losing the target audience. I mean, what’s next? You tell me there’s a movie starring...oh, I don't know, say, Julianne Moore as an English teacher coming out this summer?
CR: There is!!!!!!
FdC: Oh for the love of……let’s discuss the new Joss Whedon movie.
CR: You mean his quirky adaptation of Shakespeare’s “Much Ado About Nothing” that he filmed in black & white in his own house?!
FdC: (frantically flipping through notes) Okay……then let’s discuss “Man of Steel” with Michael Shannon as Zod.
CR: Or let’s discuss “Hitman” with Michael Shannon as real life contract killer Richard Kuklinksi!!!

Step aside, General Zod.

FdC: GAH!!! You at least want to see "Iron Man 3", don't you?
CR: Well, sure. But I'd rather see "Tony Stark."
FdC: As in, a movie all about Tony Stark?
CR: Exactly. We never see him in the Iron Man suit and it's just Tony and Pepper exchanging witty repartee "Big Sleep"-style all across L.A.
FdC: You understand, don't you, why you never became a Hollywood exec?
CR: (Sighs sadly.)
FdC: I’m contractually obligated to mention “The Hangover 3.”
CR: Wouldn't it be incredible if that trailer was totally a fake and the movie turned out to be the four of them just sitting around talking, drinking, eating pizza and watching "Caroline in the City" re-runs?
FdC: And "Star Trek: Into Darkness."
CR: Why are they so desperate to turn that into an action movie?
FdC: Why are you so convinced they are trying to that into an action movie?
CR: Tell me they're not trying to turn Spock into Liam Neeson! Tell.Me. I mean, really!

FdC: And "World War Z."
CR: It's funny, I had no idea what this was about and then I saw the trailer and realized I'd just seen the whole thing.
FdC: And “The Wolverine.”
CR: Why do I feel like every six months Hugh Jackman is onscreen as Wolverine?
FdC: And "Grown Ups 2."
CR: The The Fourth Circle Of Hell.
FdC: And “The Internship.”
CR: Can we PLEASE stop under-utilizing Rose Byrne?! I mean, REALLY!
FdC: And “The Great Gatsby.”
CR: Now you're talking, old sport.

Who else can't wait to hear Leo say "old sport" 225 times?

FdC: Well, obviously. (Throws up hands.) Honestly, this is the worst Summer Movie Preview on the Internet. The whole Internet. Who's going to want to read this thing? Everyone else is discussing Will and Jaden Smith in “After Earth”-
CR: Is that a sequel to Brit Marling's "Another Earth"?
FdC: -and we’re discussing-
CR: Sarah Polley's documentary about her family?
FdC: Come on, man, give me SOMETHING.
CR: Well, while I like to think I’m the sort who reads “Gatsby” and drinks martinis, I really do find Craig Robinson drinking his own urine out of the martini glass in the “This Is The End” trailer funny.
FdC: Okay. That’s better.
CR: And I really want to see “Now You See Me.” That’s my sort of summer movie – potentially interesting but still escapist.
FdC: Keep going.
CR: And “White House Down.” I can’t wait to see “White House Down.”
FdC: “White House Down”? THAT’S the one summer tentpole movie you want to see?
CR: I might even buy popcorn for it.
FdC: But it’s going to be awful.
CR: It better be. If that movie is any way intelligent, realistic or ‘good’, I’ll ask for my money back.
FdC: For the love of..... Well…at least we got through this whole thing without a Lady Gaga reference.
CR: “Machete Kills”! “Machete Kills” opens September 13th!!!

Lady Gaga stars in "Machete Kills", opening September 13th

Summer Movie Spectacular Q&A

As always, with the extravagant summer movie season set to befall us quite soon, even though it's, like, 52 degrees outside and snowed last week, Cinema Romantico sat down with the Hollywood e-zine Film de Cinema for a little question & answer session. The following is the exact transcript.

Film de Cinema: You "famously" walked out on "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End." Do you plan on risking a ticket to "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides?"
Cinema Romantico: At first it was a definite hell no. But then I found out Penelope Cruz was co-starring and my mind started playing tricks on me.
FdC: How do you mean?
CR: Well, I keep thinking that maybe Penelope's presence will get Johnny Depp to re-up his game and return to the bravura acting of the first one in the series that yielded the Best Performance Of The 00's.
FdC: So you're saying it's highly probable you will leave a showing of "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" cursing your own name?
CR: Yes, it is.


Can Penelope Cruz be the Joakim Noah to Johnny Depp's Derrick Rose? Or is it the other way around?

FdC: Anything for which you're openly excited?
CR: "Daydream Nation." Totally. Kat Dennings is the new Rosanna Arquette.
FdC: What does that mean?
CR: I have no idea. I'm just trying to get quoted on the poster.
FdC: Anything else?
CR: Can I be honest?
FdC: We're all friends here.
CR: "Larry Crowne." I really want to see "Larry Crowne."
FdC: Sure. The one where Tom Hanks gets laid off and goes back to college and falls for his professor played by Julia Roberts.
CR: Two true blue movie stars in the summer. An old fashioned kinda story. I'm intrigued.
FdC: Did you know Nia Vardalos co-wrote that script?
CR: Oh crap.

Shut up and let me have false hope.

FdC: How about "Super 8", J.J. Abrams' film, wherein-
CR: No, no, no!!! I don't want to know anything!
FdC: I wasn't going to give anything away about the plot! No one knows the plot!
CR: Still! I have to go in fresh!
FdC: "Midnight In Paris" stars your Kate Winslet #2.
CR: And Carla Bruni.
FdC: Who?
CR: Ici vous allez.
FdC: .....sigh.....
CR: Hey! Snap out of it! Her husband could have you killed so just leave it alone.

FdC: How excited are you for "Thor?"
CR: Yeah....not gonna happen.
FdC: But it stars Natalie Portman.
CR: Uh, that's Academy Award Winner Natalie Portman, thank you.
FdC: Right. Sorry. But it stars Academy Award Winner Natalie Portman.
CR: Sorry, but even the presence of Academy Award Winner Natalie Portman can't liven up "Thor" for me. I'd rather stay at home and watch "Black Swan" on DVD.
FdC: C'mon, man, you have got to stop referencing "Black Swan" and Natalie Portman's Academy Award winning performance on here. You're pissing people off.
CR: Okay, okay, sorry. No more references to "Black Swan" or Natalie Portman's Academy Award.

Oops! How did this picture get in here?!

FdC: Thoughts on "The Green Lantern."
CR: I don't know. I'm not sure Seth Rogen can pull of a superhero.
FdC: No, no, you're thinking of "The Green Hornet."
CR: "The Green Hornet?"
FdC: "The Green Lantern" stars Ryan Reynolds.
CR: I thought Ryan Reynolds was Captain America?
FdC: "Captain America" is Chris Evans. That comes out in August.
CR: And that's the movie where Robert Downey Jr. turns up as Iron Man?
FdC: That's "The Avengers." That's supposed to come out next year.
CR: Next year? When does "The Green Hornet" come out?
FdC: It already came out. In January.
CR: January? What about the new "X Men" movie? Did I that miss that one, too?
FdC: Nope. You're good. That comes out June 3rd.
CR: Super. And that's the one with James McAvoy as Wolverine?
FdC: No, he's taking over Professor Xavier. Hugh Jackman is still Wolverine.
CR: Hugh Jackman is in the new "X Men" movie?
FdC: He's in "The Wolverine." That comes out in 2012.
(Cinema Romantico collapses on the floor.)
FdC: We need some smelling salts over here!
(Film de Cinema gives Cinema Romantico smelling salts.)
CR: Okay. I'm good. Sorry about that. Continue.

Ryan Reynolds as The Green Lantern, not to be confused with Seth Rogen as The Green Hornet or Chris Evans as Captain America in "Captain America" and "The Avengers" with Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man and Chris Hemsworth as Thor, also starring in "Thor."

FdC: On a lighter note, how about "Friends With Benefits?" Intrigued?
CR: What's that one about?
FdC: Well, this guy and this girl decide to start sleeping together with no strings attached.
CR: Wait, didn't I already see that?
FdC: Uh, sort of. It was called "No Strings Attached." It came out in January. It starred Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.
CR: (Throat clear.)
FdC: Sorry.....Academy Award Winner Natalie Portman.
CR: This summer sucks. Is there anything original?
FdC: Let me check my notes. (Checking notes.) "The Hangover 2." "Cars 2." "Kung Fu Panda 2." "Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows: Part 2." "Spy Kids 4." "Final Destination 5." A remake of "Conan the Barbarian."
CR: You're killing me here. Give me something. Anything.
FdC: Well, there is one movie I haven't mentioned yet but I'm not sure I should.
CR: Please?
FdC: Eh......
CR: I'm begging you!
FdC: "Transformers: Dark of the Moon." Hey! What are you doing?! Get off that ledge! GET OFF THAT LEDGE!!!!!!

The Two Horsemen Of The Apocalypse.

Summer Movie Q & A

Recently the Hollywood trade paper "Film de Cinema" (founder: Jiff Ramsey) sat down with Cinema Romantico for a little question and answer period relating to the upcoming wannabe blockbuster ridden summer movie season. This is the full transcript.

Film de Cinema: So what you are most thankful for as we get set to undertake the next four months of movies?
Cinema Romantico: Certainly that "Transformers 3" won't be out until next summer. Any summer free of Michael Bay is a good one. Also, that "Transformers 3" won't be starring someone like, say, Frances McDormand.
FdC: Uh, actually it will.
CR: I hate everything.
FdC: Moving on....what movies set for release in 2010 are you most excited about?
CR: Definitely "Nottingham" with Russell Crowe.
FdC: Oops. Again, hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but the title of that one was actually changed to "Robin Hood."

CR: Why? What happened?
FdC: In (Director) Ridley Scott's own words: "If you're going to invest in a Robin Hood story, why call it Nottingham? You'd end up spending 80% of the publicity budget explaining why it's Nottingham, not just Robin Hood. It doesn't make any sense."
CR: Really? 80%? Don't most people associate Nottingham - as in, The Sheriff of Nottingham - with Robin Hood?
FdC: I suppose.
CR: But it doesn't make any sense?
FdC: Well-
CR: So is it no longer told from the point of view of the Sheriff of Nottingham?
FdC: 'Fraid not. Scott and Russell Crowe didn't like the script's original approach and decided to make it more traditional.
CR: Wait, wait, wait. Traditional? Or "real"?
FdC: "Real", probably.
CR: "Real", as in gritty?
FdC: From the sound of it. The Hollywood Reporter advised it was going to be "dark and brooding."
CR: Oh God. Two hours of Russell Crowe glowering.
FdC: I should probably mention, too, that it won't be starring your official Cinematic Crush Sienna Miller in the role of-
CR: Do not get me started.
FdC: Right. Sorry. They're also touting its historical accuracy.
CR: Historical accuracy? Based on what? The mythical Robin Hood? This whole thing's just gonna turn into that "King Arthur" movie "based on the true story that inspired the legend," isn't it?
FdC: You mean the one with Clive Owen?
CR: Exactly! That movie took itself so seriously I thought I was watching a Tom Cruise interview!
FdC: Maybe we should switch gears. How excited are you to see that new Tom Cruise movie, "Knight and Day?"

CR: Super excited!
FdC: Seriously?
CR: Hey, why can't I want to see a big budget potential crap fest? I might even buy popcorn for that one!
FdC: How about "The A Team?"
CR: How can you possibly have "The A Team" without George Peppard?
FdC: The same way you can have "The Karate Kid" without Ralph Macchio.
CR: Then you'd think they could at least make a movie called "Cyrus" without Miley.
FdC: They did! "Cyrus", by The Duplass Brothers!
CR: Really? The Duplass Brothers have a movie coming out in the summer? Is Mumblecore trying to go mainstream?
FdC: What's Mumblecore?
CR: Have you not seen "Quiet City?"
FdC: No. I haven't.
CR: For God's sake, see it. EVERYONE, see "Quiet City!"
FdC: Are you just shamelessly plugging one of your favorite films of the past decade?
CR: Yes. I apologize. I just can't help myself.
FdC: So....what else would you want to see this summer?

CR: "Inception", certainly, and I can't lie - I want to see "The Other Guys" too.
FdC: "Iron Man 2?"
CR: Oh, totally. Downey Jr. getting to talk more than he did in "Sherlock Holmes." Mickey Rourke as a villain. Even though I really like Scarlett Johannson in certain situations I'm a bit wary of her in action role but still....I'll be there.
FdC: Okay, we have to ask. After his recent catastrophe are you excited for "The Last Airbender", the new film from M. Night Shymalan? Do you think his action scenes will deliver the goods?
CR: Forget about the action scenes. The real question is did he go back to film school and simply re-learn how to correctly frame a standard shot?
FdC: How about the new "Twilight" movie?
CR: Next.
FdC: "The Sorcerer's Apprentice?"
CR: Next!
FdC: "Prince of Persia: Sands of Time?"
CR: Next!
FdC: "Toy Story 3?"
CR: Wake me when it's not animated.
FdC: "Marmaduke?"
CR: Oh, come on!
FdC: Okay, how about this? Your favorite actor, Billy Crudup, is set to star in the adaptation of "Eat, Pray, Love" opposite Julia Roberts. Your thoughts?
CR: "Eat, Pray, Love?" I'm still trying to figure out why "Pretty Bird" isn't available on Netflix.
FdC: You must have an opinion.
CR: Can we just call this the summer of my discontent?
FdC: But you said any summer without Michael Bay is a good one.
CR: That was until I found out Frances McDormand was in "Transformers 3."

Summer Movies: Good News/Bad News

Ah, summer, the scent of stale cinematic crap ready to fill the air. So often when I sit down to watch another over-hyped, star-driven blockbuster I foolishly let myself think that maybe this one will be a case of good news. You know, the pieces fit, the parts connect, the script was only re-written 9 times as opposed to the usual 52, and, finally, my prayers have been answered and a remedy to the unending humidity has been found. Instead, it's usually a case of bad news and I stumble out of the theater praying for winter (cinematically and meterologically).

Therefore I decided to take this little idea to heart in my annual summer movie preview and examine what the Good News might possibly be in some of the season's biggest releases and, on the flip side, what we can expect to be the inevitable Bad News.

“Star Trek.” Good News: William Shatner, wearing a polk-a-dot vest, makes a bloated cameo in which he constantly steps on the lines of Chris Pine (playing Kirk) and then serenades the crew of the Enterprise with "I've Got the World on a String" in a scene clearly improvised by Shatner on the spot while Simon Pegg (as Scotty) unsuccessfully attempts to wrestle him offscreen. Also, Victor Garber turns up as the Federation President in an eerily “Alias”-like scene in which he tortures a Klingon with a cravat and blowtorch. Bad News: The film involves one-too-many kung fu fights, an eerily “Lost”-like scene in which the crew of the Enterprise keeps hearing mysterious references to "The Others" (a group headed up by Scott Bakula) and a painful attempt at an homage to the “Italian Dinner” conversation from “Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home” that fails terribly. The film is universally hailed as being “worse than Star Trek V”.

“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”. Good News: At the glitzy Las Vegas casino premiere director Michael Bay is eaten by a lion. The film flops. Shia LaBeouf takes a 12 year sabbatical to "find himself", Megan Fox decides to set aside acting to focus full time on a career of looking glamorous in various celebrity gossip magazines and Spike Lee announces that he will not be giving John Turturro any more obligatory cameos as punishment for appearing in this movie. Bad News: The film is so successful Michael Bay is commissioned to remake “The Third Man” and promptly announces that in his version the Harry Lime character will show up in the first five minutes because “who has the patience to wait so long to see him?”

“Terminator Salvation”. Good News: Christian Bale nails it, becoming the definitive John Connor. Bad News: Director McG goes overboard, scoring the film to the hits of Fatboy Slim, making the entire second act a montage and is ultimately done in by his decision to film the whole movie with handheld cameras. Audiences around the world ask for their money back as they vomit up their Milk Duds from motion sickness.

“Angels & Demons”. Good News: Midway through the movie Tom Hanks looks around, perplexed, and shouts: “Where is Audrey Tatou?! I only agreed to do this with Audrey Tatou! That's it! I'm walking!” He then storms off camera and is replaced for the remainder of the movie by son Colin in the hope no one will notice the difference. They do. It bombs. Reinvigorated, Hanks produces an award winning HBO miniseries based on the life of Benedict Arnold. Bad News: The film is a hit despite horrendous reviews. Hanks signs on for 10 more sequels and directs “That Thing You Do! 2” starring The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus.

"X Men Origins: Wolverine". Good News: Due to the internet leak that allowed millions of people to see an unfinished rough cut of the action picture a month in advance, star Hugh Jackman decides to punish the perpetrators by reshooting the entire enterprise himself in a mere 3 weeks, transforming it into a re-telling of the musical "South Pacific" set in the "X Men" universe. Bad News: Hugh Jackman announces he will punish the perpetrators by agreeing to co-host next year's Academy Awards with Jessica Simpson.

"Land of the Lost". Good News: Will Ferrell is okay. The movie treads just enough water to be a box office success. Bad News: A film critic for the LA Times writes, "You know what? I think I'm a little sick of Will Ferrell." With one critic having finally said it, the floodgates open and critics from Topeka to Tokyo pile on Ferrell. Desperate, Ferrell does a beach volleyball movie, a ski jumping movie a pro bass fishing tour movie, and a rom com with Kate Hudson so putrid even Matthew McConaughey passes on it. They all fail miserably. Nowhere else to go, he returns to Saturday Night Live, lamely pitching skit ideas about Janet Reno. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, Lorne Michaels says he will air them only to have the show "run out of time" every week.

“Funny People”. Good News: Bruce Springsteen makes his long rumored cameo in this Judd Apatow comedy and grants release of his legendary unreleased tune “Lovers in the Cold” on the film’s soundtrack. Bad News: Bruce Springsteen chooses against making a cameo and Jon Bon Jovi turns up instead. Springsteen grants release of his recent song “Queen of the Supermarket” on the film’s soundtrack.

“Public Enemies”. Good News: Michael Mann cranks out his fourth official masterpiece and Billy Crudup (playing J. Edgar Hoover to Johnny Depp's John Dillinger) finally earns his first Oscar nomination. Bad News: It winds up more like “Ali” than “The Insider” while Billy Crudup's career officially stalls and Johnny Depp becomes so distraught over the film's fate he immediately agrees to appear in five more "Pirates of the Caribbean" sequels. Michael Mann meanwhile can't raise the finances for his next crime saga and finds himself making "Last of the Mohicans: Hawkeye & Cora, The Married Years", causing me to run up and down Michigan Avenue screaming obscenities.

“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra”. Good News: There are scenes in which we see Sienna Miller as The Baroness twirling her finger in a scotch while gunning down an enemy with an automatic weapon, interrogating an adversary by taking a drag from a cigarette and blowing smoke in his face, and telling Snake Eyes "take off that f---ing mask already, you f---ing pisant". Bad News: Sienna Miller never drinks, never smokes, and never swears. Booooooring.

Summer's Right Around The Corner

Our least favorite time of the year for movies (and weather) is drawing ever so close and thus it’s time for the traditional peek ahead at what summertime’s cinematic course has to offer. We have decided to break it down into a quartet of categories, all named in honor of Michael Bay movie offerings since nothing says summer movies like Michael Bay!

First up is the “Bring the Brewskies” Category, featuring the summer movies I'm quite anxious to see - the name being derived from Mr. Bay’s one line of dialogue in his “Mystery Men” cameo: “Dude, can we, uh, bring the brewskies?” I hate Mr. Bay, as we all know, but I gotta’ admit, he nailed that line. Second is the “Pearl Harbor” category, featuring movies I know I don’t want to see and, yet, against my better judgement will probably see anyway only to find myself wondering why the hell I decided to see such a bunch of crap. Third is the “Transformers” Category, featuring movies I will not under any circumstances – even if drugged – go see. Fourth is "The Birds" category, featuring a movie that leaves me with nothing to say other then what the f---? Because really, what can you say to the "The Birds" remake Michael Bay is producing other than what the f---?

Let’s get started!

Bring the Brewskies:

“The Dark Knight”. Christopher Nolan’s new “Batman” film starring, of course, the late Heath Ledger as the Joker. I truly hope his last film is an awesome one.

“Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”. Bad title aside, it's still, like, Indiana Jones, man.

“The Happening”. The new one from M. Night Shymalan. Call me crazy, but I want to see it.

"Wanted". "A young man finds out his long lost father is an assassin. And when his father is murdered, the son is recruited into his father's old organization and trained by a man named Sloan to follow in his dad's footsteps." Based on that you're probably wondering why such a noteworthy blog would want to see it. Here's your answer - James McAvoy is the young man, Angelina Jolie (a great actress when, you know, actually given a role) is the trainer and Morgan Freeman is Sloan. Count me in.

“Pineapple Express”. David Gordon Green directs Seth Rogen. This was briefly mentioned in my “Snow Angels” review and thus my friend Brad the Wretched Genius forwarded a preview of it to me. Must See.

Pearl Harbor:

“Get Smart”. Steve Carrell as a blundering secret agent with Anne Hathaway as his sidekick. I know I’ll regret this one. I just know it....

“Tropic Thunder”. Ben Stiller directed this "comedy about five actors who go on location and find themselves relying on their boot camp experiences when they get stuck in a real war-like situation." I'm hoping the Tom Cruise cameo is as good as the "Zoolander" Billy Zane cameo. ("When are you gonna' lay tropic thunder on us?") If not....

"The Incredible Hulk". Edward Norton takes the baton from Eric Bana to play the title role. I didn't like the Bana version and I've got a bad feeling about this new one but something tells me I'll be paying $10 to get it.

Transformers:

“You Don’t Mess With The Zohan”. The new Adam Sandler movie. I’d rather spend a few hours in the presence of my old high school Spanish teacher than see this one.

“Big Stan”. This is the directorial debut of (cross your heart, say your prayers) Rob Schneider. I would rather watch a double bill of "You Don't Mess With The Zohan" and "Click" with my old high school Spanish teacher than see this one.

“The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”. I noticed Rachel Weisz will not be reprising her role as Brendan Fraser’s wife. Apparently, once she got her Oscar she kissed this franchise goodbye. Bravo, Ms. Weisz. Bravo.

“Meet Dave”. A synopsis: “Dave Ming Chang (Eddie Murphy), newly arrived in New York City, may be the ultimate fish out of water.” And I don’t know what else the synopsis said because I didn’t want to read any further.

“Space Chimps.” Didn’t even read the synopsis on this one. Didn’t have to. Pass.

“Sex in the City”. Hey, I liked the TV show. Honest, I did. (Ever see the one where Charlotte gets blitzed on “Staten Island iced teas”?) But really, a movie? Did they have to go there?

The Birds:

"Redbelt". The new film from David "I'm The Only Person Who Gave Alec Baldwin A Better Role Than Tina Fey" Mamet "is the story of Mike Terry (Chewitel Ejiofor), a Jiu-jitsu master who has avoided the prize fighting circuit, choosing to instead pursue an honorable life by operating a self defense studio with a samaurai's code." Strange enough for you? Well, the movie also stars Tim Allen.

What the f---?

Not Quite the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Being the movie snob that I am, it's quite easy to deduce that I prefer the winter movie season to the summer movie season. Movie studios seem to lose what little sense they had to begin with when the heat rises and can often make poor judgement calls. (Fact: an executive at Disney wanted to pull Johnny Depp from "Pirates of the Caribbean" after seeing early footage of his whacked-out performance but sent Depp a hand-written note of apology when the movie - and especially Depp - received great reviews.)

But a hard-swinging movie critic such as myself cannot ignore the summer movie season simply because it's now over-run by Jerry Bruckheimer and Jerry Bruckheimer wannabe's. No, I will attend nearly every blockbuster released over the course of the next summer (even you, Poseidon!). It's my duty. And, quite frankly, the summer movie season is a perfect time to attempt to re-capture one's youth.

Thus as the movies' most lucrative period of the year approaches at a lively pace, there are 6 key questions that must be posed. And Cinema Romantico will pose them.

1.) Pirates of the Caribbean II. Will rock’s greatest guitar player/vodka drinker Keith Richards actually show up for a long-rumored cameo as Johnny Depp’s father?

2.) Mission Impossible III. The question here has nothing to do with He Who Stole Katie Holmes From Her Intended Beau. The true question is why Billy Crudup (who in my humble opinion is the best male actor working today) agreed to be in this movie?

3.) The Da Vinci Code. I find it amusing that whenever this movie is mentioned they make note of the “12 people who haven’t read the book”. Well, guess what? I’m one of those 12. And proud of it. Yet, I’ll go see a movie version of it with Tom Hanks. What kind of person does that make me?

4.) Superman Returns. Brandon Routh is the new Superman. Brandon Routh hails from Norwalk, Iowa. I lived in a house over-run by kittens for a year in Norwalk, Iowa. What does this mean for the film’s potential? Absolutely nothing. But have you ever lived in Superman's hometown?

5.) Miami Vice. Oh yes, a feature film of the “famed” television show. I know what you’re thinking and I can sense your eye-roll but allow me to make this argument – Michael Mann is the writer/director. And Michael Mann is a certified genius (his 3 films in the ‘90’s – Last of the Mohicans, Heat, and The Insider – were all masterpieces and his most recent effort Collateral was damn good). Can Michael Mann pull it off?

6.) The Lake House. Sandra Bullock. Keanu Reeves. Romantic comedy. But after seeing the preview last weekend I'm really excited to see this movie. Do I admit this?