5 Actors to Play Bond

Ignoring the present to peer into the future...

It might seem to make no sense to discuss the next James Bond movie when the current James Bond movie, “No Time to Die”, has not even been out in theaters for two weeks. But not only do tentpole movies seen through the lens of the Hollywood Telescope cease to exist after opening weekend box office numbers (this one was a minor disappointment), in this bold new modern age the current movie is never as important as the next movie, always ensuring there is something else to sell. So, before we get to the current movie, we need to discuss the as-of-yet non-existent next movie, which means discussing who its James Bond will be since the current movie marks Daniel Craig’s last outing as Agent 007 and the next Agent 007 has yet to be announced. Cinema Romantico, of course, has some ideas. And while such lists might be the dregs of the Internet, loyal frustrated followers can attest this blog is as committed to unorthodox dumb lists as it is to critical rigor and ham-handed references to the Duchess of Cambridge. Stay with us!

5 Actors to Play Bond

Rachel Weisz

Really, if we were being serious here, which we are not, Weisz would be the appropriate choice. Not just to symbolically bring 007 into the 21st Century but because she possesses the mirth, the wit, the derring-do (see: “The Mummy”, “Chain Reaction”, shooting pigeons in “The Favourite”). Mostly, though, it would be kinda funny to see the spouse of Daniel Craig assume the part after Daniel Craig departed the role with some manner of irritability, forced to irritably dangle off Weisz’s arm on the red carpet.

Timothy Dalton

Much like the Raiders American Professional Football organization brought Art Shell back as coach in 2006 after firing him in 1994, let’s bring Dalton back for another go-around as Bond. Don’t you sometimes suspect Simon Skinner was the preeminent Agent 007 anyway?

Matt Smith

I mean, c’mon. There would be something inherently comical in casting one of “The Crown’s” Philips. You thought Brexit would plunge Britannia into chaos.

Kris Marshall

Everything is TV now. So, why not turn Bond into TV too? We will remake James Bond in the mold of one of those British PBS series, borrowing Kris Marshall, formerly of one such show, “Death in Paradise”, and drop a new episode on MGM-HD every Sunday night. 

Russell Crowe

He’s from New Zealand, yes, thank you, got it. But. Every time we cast another Bond, we are reminded of that quote from its creator, Ian Fleming, about Bond merely being “a blunt instrument...an extremely dull, uninteresting man to whom things happened.” It’s not that Crowe is merely a blunt instrument, far from it, but that he’s an actor who would be willing to truly play a blunt instrument. James Bond will return...in The Most Uninteresting Man in the World. Damn, would I pay money to see that.

Forgotten Great Moments in Movie History

There’s a great line in John McNaughton’s under-appreciated “Mad Dog and Glory” (1993) when the Chicago cop, Wayne (Robert DeNiro), goes to see the stand-up comedy set of crime boss Frank (Bill Murray). Afterwards, Frank asks Wayne what he thought. “I heard two Buddy Hackett jokes, a Pat Cooper and a half a Lenny Bruce,” Wayne says. That’s sort of how I think about the Daniel Craig James Bond movies; you’ve got two Christopher Nolan movies (“Casino Royale”, “Skyfall”), a Paul Greengrass (“Quantum of Solace”) and half a Marvel (“Spectre”). I say half a Marvel movie because I assume the last Daniel Craig entry in the series, the forthcoming “No Time To Die”, will be the other half. It’s not that movies can’t have influences, of course, because most of them do. No, it’s how they use those influences, whether they merely duplicate them or expand them upon them, utilizing them to help find their own groove. Bond movies have always been about comfort, adhering to a similar formula but, in the best incarnations, adding distinct flourishes. It’s hard to feel comfortable, though, when you’re just lurching around, trying to glom onto whatever style is fashionable at the moment, hoping to remain relevant. And yet.

I will admit to having come around on the back-to-basics “Casino Royale”, a movie I did not like initially, probably because I was younger and stupider and entered that movie with preconceived expectations. When those expectations were not met, I felt let down. On its own wavelength, more brutal and more soulful than its predecessors, it works. Where it really works, though, is with its 007. In essence, every 007 is a like cat that lands on its feet, but those landings are generally taken for granted. You never exactly feel genuine danger when Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan get themselves into a pickle, never mind Roger Moore, who sometimes looks like he expects his stunt double to take over for him in the non-stunt scenes. Even Timothy Dalton, who emitted a vibe closest to Craig, had an it’s-all-cool smirk. Craig has a smirk too, but it’s on a different frequency, like a pirate, to quote the esteemed Charlie Pierce, who enjoys his work. And when his Bond jumps, he doesn’t necessarily seem to know he’s going to land on his feet, infused with some of that mania Johnny Utah had when he leapt from the plane parachute-less in “Point Break”, giving the stunts in “Casino Royale” not just an unexpected verisimilitude but aggression. Even in downtime, Craig is not exactly laid-back.

My favorite scene occurs right after Bond has been poisoned during the big card game, barely made it to his Aston Martin, injected himself with Lidocaine, and then, after passing out while trying to defibrillate himself, is saved by the requisite Bond Girl, Vesper Lynd (Eva Green), who administers the shock for him just in the nick of time. Bond quickly suits back up, returns to the card game, and wins a hand. “You know,” he says to Vesper, “I think a celebration’s in order.” “You were almost dead an hour ago,” Vesper points out. “Come on,” he says taking her hand. “I’m famished.”

There is something about Craig in the ensuing scene, something that has stayed with me longer than any of his others moments as Bond, something in his behavior, something subtle but huge. That moment before, having just survived a brush with death, would normally be forgotten about as soon as it’s happened in these movies, smirked off. But here, in the low lighting of a late night dinner, it lingers in the air, not just in the conversation but the way Bond behaves, in the way Craig has Bond behave, echoed in that undone collar, a little less fussy than usual. He eats the food with relish; he drinks the martini. Every James Bond, in one way or another, is an epicurean; this James Bond is happy to be alive.

Why Isn't This Still A Movie? James Bond At Blades

Why Isn’t This Still A Movie? is a non-existent series in which Cinema Romantico spies a particular movie’s still and thinks that should have been/should be the movie instead...

Last week the Interwebs were alive with the sounds of Pierce Brosnan, ex-Agent 007, explaining in the latest issue of Total Film that even if he went all in on what his version of James Bond was meant to be he nonetheless came away lamenting that his version of James Bond was not allowed to go, as Daniel Craig’s version of James Bond has, “gritty.” {Insert sound of artillery shells hitting the beach at mention of “gritty”.} I was all set to use this as a springboard to a blog-ish dissertation, something like “Grittiness In Modern Cinema: Why People Who Think ‘It’s Just A Movie’ Want Every Movie To Be ‘Real’”, until I got a look at the “Die Another Day” still that Digital Spy, where I first read about the Total Film article, employed as visual accompaniment. It was this still……

To tell the truth, I hardly remember “Die Another Day”, not even The Invisible Car which is cited in the article and which should be pretty memorable. I did remember Madonna’s cameo, seen in the still, but that’s likely because I’m a pop diva devotee. I had forgotten that Ms. Ciccone played a fencing instructor aptly named Verity and I had forgotten this sequence at a fencing club nimbly called Blades where 007 gets in a swordfight with chief villain Gustav Graves. But never mind all that and just look at this still. That still? That still is a movie unto itself.

That still is not so much a James Bond movie as “Grand Hotel” re-imagined in a fencing club, a crisscrossing story of Gustav Graves, a cocky entrepreneur hiding the fact that he is broke, his assistant, Miranda Frost, seeking to strike out on her own as she gradually uncovers the truth about her boss’s financial predicament, and who falls for this mysterious James Bond, who never talks about work because he doesn’t “talk about work on the weekend” even if he seems oddly able to bypass any security system, and, of course, Verity, the fencing instructor, suicidal and thinking about sticking an épée in her heart, who falls for Bond even as he falls for Miranda, as they all fence, cajole, scheme, and occasionally retire to the veranda glimpsed through the window in the background for cocktails.

If we have to have “Star Wars” spinoffs why not toss off a few James Bond spinoffs too? Who wouldn’t have gone in for a Roger Moore Bond movie set entirely on Bond’s weekend off at ski chalet in St. Moritz since Roger Moore always played Bond like he was on vacation anyway? Who wouldn’t go in for a Daniel Craig Bond movie as “24 Hour Party People” re-imagined in the present day Berlin music club scene? Like George Costanza telling George Wendt “It’s enough with the bar already”, hey, Barbara Broccoli, it’s enough with stunt-laden secret intelligence already. It is time high time the martini stops being a mere interlude in Bond and starts being the overriding point. Bond always made time for play between his globe-trotting, of course, but perhaps it is time to stop trotting, just once, and stay put. It’s...James Bond At Blades.

Prototype James Bond At Blades poster

See The New Bond Trailer Here! (An Exclusive!)

Oops! That's not the new Bond trailer, is it?! Ah well. That Chris Parker was always cooler than what's-his-name anyway. 007 may be able to pilot an underwater car, but let's see him navigate the south side of Chicago...