Blogging Trophy Wife

Some readers may recall Cinema Romantico's previous attempts at blogging a TV show - "New Girl" - ended in spectacular failure. Some readers may recall that I broke my vow to watch and blog the entire first season of "New Girl" partially on account of my Official Cinematic Crush Malin Akerman when the ratings success of "New Girl" caused TV execs to look toward more movie actresses to potentially fill half-hour sitcom roles. Movie actresses like......Malin Akerman. Knowing that my watching of "New Girl" could potentially aid and abet Ms. Akerman's presence in a crappy TV show, I could not in good conscience continue.

I quote myself: "Look, I know she's great and dry and funny on 'Children's Hospital' but this isn't what we want from Malin full time, is it? It can't be! Please! Tell me it isn't! She's a silver-screenster! If Ms. Akerman winds up on some TV show where she has to film an episode as noxious as 'The Landlord' that would be too much to bear! It would be one thing if she landed the lead on, say, a Showtime original with a no b.s., hard-charging role with a creator who played by no rules but his own, but this article makes it sound like we're talking Big Four Network and that is 'Sleepaway Camp' frightening."

Oh, but the fickle Gods of TV have a wicked sense of humor, for here comes Malin herself as the title character of the brand new Big Four (ABC) sitcom "Trophy Wife" - premiering tonight at 8:30 CST.

Imagine that instead of Malin and a bottle of water, that's me and a bottle of scotch.

I confess the thought of watching this show fills me with dread and anxiety in equal doses and yet......Malin is my Official Cinematic Crush. I must stand up for her. I will stand up for her. I will watch her TV show. So help me God, I will watch it right down to the end (maybe?) whenever that end may come to pass. And I will blog about it.

Having learned a few things from my last stab at this TV blogging business, however, I plan to go about it differently. In the case of "New Girl" I felt too aligned to pre-conceived notions (which is wildly unfair to any creative venture) and an ill-conceived need to extract extra meaning and submit advice to imaginary show-runners and publish the post in the airing's immediate aftermath.

This time I will merely watch and then write whatever the hell I feel like writing whenever the hell I feel like writing it. Call it: Recap Vomit. Join me, won't you, vomit bags in tow?

Official Cinematic Crush Update

Does Malin Akerman, my Official Cinematic Crush, really wear a ring that says "fuck"?

Fuck yes, she does! Why the fuck wouldn't she?! She's Malin fucking Akerman! That's why she's my Official fucking Cinematic Crush!

Ring of the year goes to.....Malin Akerman.

Official Cinematic Crush Update: Union City Blue Edition

Q: Is that Malin Akerman, your Official Cinematic Crush, as the original punk rock disco queen Debbie Harry in the forthcoming "CBGB"?

A: Yes! Yes, it is Malin Akerman, my Official Cinematic Crush, as the original punk rock disco queen Debbie Harry in the forthcoming "CBGB"! Thanks for asking! (Oh, she's also with some dude playing some dude.)

Official Cinematic Crush Update

"The Numbers Station", the latest Malin Akerman starring thriller (co-starring some other dude), is set to drop in theaters at the end of this month on April 26th. Until then we have a simple still from said film to tide you over and of it we ask one question:

Has anyone ever fled an explosion with such riveting fashion sense?

Official Cinematic Crush Update

While everyone oohs and aahs over the trailer for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s true return to the genre he helped build in “The Last Stand”, we here at Cinema Romantico are more taken with the news of his forthcoming “Breacher.” This, of course, is because it is set to co-star Cinema Romantico’s official Cinematic Crush, Malin Akerman.

Written and directed by David Ayer it is purported to follow the formula of Agathie Christie’s “Ten Little Indians”, whereby it tells, per Indiewire, “the tale of an elite DEA task force who rob an underground drug cartel while operating under the guise of a warranted raid. They think they’re in the clear, until they all start being bumped off one-by-one.”

Cinema Romantico predicts that Akerman will survive until the end solely to satisfy Hollywood's One Blonde Must Be Left Alive Quotient. (See: Joely Richardson in "Event Horizon" and Ali Larter in "House On Haunted Hill.")

Yes, Malin Akerman Is Still My Official Cinematic Crush

Yesterday if you were watching CNN and/or E! you may have seen the following newsflash scroll along the bottom of the screen:

Report: Cinema Romantico To Re-Name Katie Holmes As Official Cinematic Crush Following News Of Holmes And Tom Cruise Divorcing.

This, of course, was because Katie Holmes was Cinema Romantico's O.O.C.C. (Original Official Cinematic Crush) only to cede her throne when she agreed to wed the Cruise-ster.

Therefore I feel the need to publicly announce today that in spite of these rumors Malin Akerman IS and will REMAIN for the foreseeable future Cinema Romantico’s Official Cinematic Crush. Absolutely and Unequivocally. This is NOT changing.

Yes, Malin Akerman is still my official Cinematic Crush, so just calm down.

In fact, I have gone so far as to contact my lawyer to contact CNN and E! to demand a retraction. Though it should be noted my lawyer is actually my friend Dave (who conducts business from Goldie’s Lounge – Home of the $1 PBR! – between games of pool) and, thus, these retractions most likely will not happen.

Then again, the timing of this divorce coupled with the timing of so many stories about Malin Akerman and Tom Cruise French-kissing in "Rock of Ages" does make me a bit worried.

Tom wouldn’t steal my Official Cinematic Crush twice, would he?

An Ode To 80's Malin

With all due respect, if you don’t understand, it’s because you weren’t there (i.e. The 80's).

You don’t understand because you don’t know the term Stone Cold Fox was coined entirely on account of Susanna Hoffs. (Okay, I have no documentation to actually back up that claim.)

You don’t understand because your first honest-to-goodness hardcore real-life crush probably never came to school with her hair immaculately frizzed, an Esprit shirt underneath her jean jacket which radically paired with her tight-rolled Guess jeans.

You don’t understand because your heart was never broken that one time when she failed to show up at the roller rink and you spent the whole night playing Pac Man and then trudged home and listened to "Don't Be Cruel" by Bobby Brown on your Walkman and thought: "These lyrics are so true."

You don’t understand because you didn’t totally see her that one time she didn’t put in her contacts and came to school wearing nerdy glasses which weren’t all that different from your nerdy glasses and how seriously it made you swoon.

And that is why you probably don’t understand that the “Rock of Ages” trailer is the most beautiful Malin Akerman has ever looked.

Official Cinematic Crush Update (Union City Blue Edition)

"Before Madonna, there was Blondie. Her name was really Debbie Harry, but everyone knew her in the beginning as Blondie--the name of the band that emerged in the late '70s as a refreshing alternative to faceless, recycled corporate rock.” – Robert Hilburn 

You may have heard that Madonna is about to launch a new tour and you may have heard that she is supposedly going to mash up her song "Express Yourself" and Lady Gaga’s song "Born This Way" to prove once and for all that Lady Gaga ripped off "Express Yourself" for "Born This Way" even though Lady Gaga has actually gone on record as essentially saying that, yes, she did rip off "Express Yourself." And that she MEANT to rip off "Express Yourself" because it was an homage, not unlike another song on the "Born This Way" album titled "Scheiße" in which Gaga borrows the beat of Kool and the Gang’s "Ladies Night" for a song about female empowerment. I repeat: she uses the beat of "Ladies Night" for a song about female empowerment. Any way you slice it, THAT’S genius.

And that, of course, is what pop music IS. Gaga takes from Madonna and Madonna takes from Kylie and Kylie covered "Vogue" on her 2009 mini-tour to the States to show that I am her and she is me and we are all each other.

And anyway, none of that matters in the end because Debbie Harry came before ALL of them. Which is a long-winded way of saying that, hey! Guess what?! As reported by Variety, my official Cinematic Crush Malin Akerman is set to play Debbie Harry in the forthcoming "CBGB", Randall Miller’s film about the deceased iconic NYC music venue. Because of course she is! Because who else BUT Malin Akerman could play someone so bodacious, so beautiful, such a personne qui lance une mode?

Exactly.

Official Cinematic Crush Update

“The Smart One”, an ABC comedy pilot starring my official Cinematic Crush Malin Akerman and Portia de Rossi, has apparently gone the way of “Fox Force Five” – as in, it was not picked up for the network’s fall schedule.

Publicly, Cinema Romantico is unpleased. Make that, deliriously unpleased. No, we have not been afforded an opportunity to actually see the pilot – primarily because ABC rejected all our requests for a screener by saying “Wait, aren’t you that crazy blogger who thinks Malin Akerman is exactly like her character in ‘The Romantics?’” – but this is of little consequence. We are rock solid in our faith Ms. Akerman’s turn as a weathergirl turned mayor possessed comedic timing of the highest order and a unique yet genuine empathy. We are several tentpoles past certain that Ms. de Rossi made even her brilliant work as Lindsay Bluth in "Arrested Development" look like amateur hour. We are rooted in our belief that David Arquette stepped up to the plate and hit, well, maybe not a homerun or a triple or even a double but a blooper single that got the runner home, dammit. We have no reservations in declaring Jean Smart was going to be Emmy worthy. We might not have any idea who Nestor Carbonell is but we feel vaguely safe in saying he was probably pretty darn above average. We are without a shred of a doubt positive this show could have been a keeper if given the time to prove its worth. We are shocked, and chagrined – mortified and stupefied. This is simply another example of TV Exec Idiocy. We ask, will it never end?

Privately? Uh……

Privately………we are THRILLED we don’t have to watch another TV show we don’t want to watch and blog about it! MORE MOVIES!!! MORE MOVIES!!! MORE MOVIES!!!

Besides, now Malin can focus on making her run at Oscar glory in the Linda Lovelace biopic.

Hold it. I've just been handed an urgent news story. It seems Ms. Akerman just went on record as saying the Linda Lovelace biopic probably isn’t going to happen.

I really need to learn how to be more tactful.

Official Cinematic Crush Update

As longtime Cinema Romantico readers may (or may not) recall, I often used to whine that my ex-official Cinematic Crush Sienna Miller was never properly utilized in some sort of neo-noir film. (I also endlessly pitched my idea for her to star in the Jane Greer role with Josh Brolin in the Robert Mitchum role in an "Out of the Past" remake but, as expected, Hollywood refused to return my calls.)

I only mention it because my current official Cinematic Crush Malin Akerman just completed filming on writer/director Sebastián Gutiérrez's "Hotel Noir", descried by Collider as a "1950s-set film that centers on a detective holed up in a downtown hotel waiting for assassins to kill him." They go on to state: it "is currently without distribution, but it will be shopped to international buyers in Cannes."

Now imagine her in black & white......smoking a cigarette.

It co-stars Rufus Sewell, Carla Gugino, Danny DeVito, Rosario Dawson, and Robert Forster. No word on what part Ms. Akerman plays but would it to be too much to ask for her to get a Dorothy-Malone-In-"The-Big-Sleep" single scene stealing type a deal?

Yes?

No?

What?

Gutiérrez wrote "Snakes On A Plane"?

So then it probably is too much to ask?

Figures.

Official Cinematic Crush Update

What did Al Pacino say in that one "Godfather" film that also featured a future director I really, really like who really, really shouldn’t act? It was, I believe, something about extricating yourself from a particularly undesirable situation only to have circumstances beyond your control grab you by the throat, so to speak, and squeeze and then drag you back into a fray you would prefer to avoid at any and all costs because you know the discomfort it will cause will be inevitable and inevitably immense.

Please, Malin, don't become twee.

Yeah. That. That’s how I feel. As readers may recall, I abandoned my ill-fated experiment to blog every episode of Zooey Deschanel’s ABC sitcom “New Girl” in the face of its awe-inspiring mundaneness only to learn my official Cinematic Crush Malin Akerman has signed up to star in “The Smart One”……an ABC sitcom.

Well played, TV gods. Well played.

Official Cinematic Crush Update: Pitch Meeting

When it was announced that DC Comics planned to put into production "Watchmen" sequels, which would likely include Silk Spectre who was played in the film by my official Cinematic Crush Malin Akerman, this, as it must, got me to thinking about how nearly everyone I've encountered since her ascension to the throne has criticized her actress-ing skills by listing two films and two films only: "Watchmen" and "The Proposal". This, of course, is like judging a quarterback's skill set completely on two games that were both played in incessant sleet. Ease off my lady.

Malin owns some comedic chops, as evidenced by her extravagantly dry wit on the Rob Cordry show "Children's Hospital" and her insane shenanigans in "The Heartbreak Kid", a fairly awful film of which she was the only redeemable part. Her range may not be Winslet-esque but she can do some things.

That said, the Akerman-bashers still have a point. Her choice in roles hasn't been, shall we say, robust. But she needs something more than just being the no-dimensional girl waiting around for that idiot Ryan Reynolds to make up his mind. Thus, I turned to the infamous Hollywood Black List version 2011, the list naming the most liked unproduced screenplays of the year and found one to my liking.

"Two Night Stand', written by Mark Hammer, is described thusly: "After an extremely regrettable one night stand, two strangers wake up to find themselves snowed in after sleeping through a blizzard that put all of Manhattan on ice. They’re now trapped together in a tiny apartment, forced to get to know each other way more than any one night stand should."

Yeah, yeah, I sense the eye rolls out there. But I tend to side with Richard Lawson of The Atlantic Wire who named it one of the best of 2011 Black List, writing: "Sure the title might be a little hokey, and the concept a little twee, but cast correctly it could be a more lighthearted 'Weekend', kind of a bottle episode on the big screen." Exactly. A little craft, a little acting and you can this thing soar like a bald eagle on an LCD TV indoors.

So here's my proposal: I'll purchase this script with the money I don't have to put into production through the studio I don't own. We'll get Mike Cahill to direct. No, no, no, no, no, not that Mike Cahill, the "Another Earth" Mike Cahill. He's a fine Mike Cahill, certainly, but I'm talking about the severely underrated "King of California" Mike Cahill. That's my dude. With that brilliant little film he walked the tightrope of quirky and sweet without wobbling and offered a restrained visual prowess, one that would be perfect for a big screen bottle episode. He could keep things interesting but wouldn't go off the rails trying to ensure its limited situation was all CINEMATIC!!!

Imagine, ladies, that you just had a one night stand with this guy.

We'll get James Franco to star as the guy because I like the James Franco Confused Face and that could be utilized to great effect here and because he can ably manage genuine and dickish at the same time.

And, of course, we'll get Malin for the girl.

Granted, I haven't read this screenplay. The Black List can be hit or miss. Sometimes you get Diablo Cody's "Juno", sometimes you get Liz Meriwether's F***Buddies (i.e. "No Strings Attached").

But let's take a risk, what do say? After all, it's my fake money, not yours.

Official Cinematic Crush Update

The beguiling Malin Akerman is set to star in a film I didn't know existed until, in a fit of great happenstance, I happened upon the trailer. "Catch .44", in which my official Cinematic Crush stars opposite Bruce Willis and Forest Whitaker, amongst others, appears to be nothing much more than Guy Ritchie As Re-told On The Bayou wherein she and a few fellow bad to the bone mamba jambas attempt to intercept a drug shipment for Bruce Willis. Or something. (For the record, it also stars someone named Reila Aphrodite which might be the best actress name I've encountered since the legendary Moon Bloodgood.) The film was written and directed by Aaron Harvey whose only previous writing and directing credit was "The Evil Woods" back in 2007, a movie with which I'm unfamiliar but sports a poster showing a guy holding an axe whose faced is obscured by a giant parka hood which clearly means it could have only been good.

If this all wasn't distressing enough, my sources (by which I mean ComingSoon.net) inform me "Catch .44" is set for an (exceptionally) limited theater release this Friday, December 9, in New York City and.....wait for it.....Charlotte, North Carolina.

Charlotte, North Carolina?

Really? Is Charlotte the L.A. of the Mid-Atlantic? They couldn't have stuffed "Catch .44" into one of the crappier Chicago theaters for a week? I would've bought a ticket! Honest! (Maybe. Probably not.) But not to worry, fellow Malin fans, because the film will be released on DVD and Blu-Ray way out there in the future on.....December 20th. In less than 2 weeks. Another good sign. Which means in less than 2 weeks I'll be suffering through it and will subsequently file an "anticipated" report.

(Watch the trailer here at your peril. It's actually not as bad as I'm making it sound. It just looks very.....basic and blah.)

Official Cinematic Crush Update

My newly christened Official Cinematic Crush Malin Akerman is set to star as a code operator whom John Cusack's disgraced (is there any other kind?) former black ops agent is called upon to protect in Kasper Barfoed's forthcoming "The Numbers Station."

I mean, after all, much like Johnny Depp was born to play Hunter S. Thompson, Malin was born to play a code operator. Am I right? Guys? I'm right, aren't I? You're seeing this too, aren't you?

To paraphrase Charlie Kelly, she's gonna operate code all over everybody's asses.

Officially Naming My New Cinematic Crush

It's not you, Sienna, it's me.

I think I knew it happened when I was typing up a post and made yet another reference to Sienna Miller and a bottle of red wine and it felt......forced. Like I didn't mean it. Like my heart was no longer in it. Like I was......cheating. Like I was cheating on the woman who had won my melodramatic heart some time ago. Why keep up the charade? Why lie to myself? Why blog in the pretense of a celebrity crush?

As those who have known me much longer than they probably would have ever cared to can attest, the title of my Official Cinematic Crush is an exceedingly short but exceptionally distinguished and absurdly un-important (read: extremely important) list. This is to say - two. There have only been two. Katie Holmes was first. The sweet, unassuming, non-scientologist Katie Holmes, that is, and then she met what's-his-name and I had to kick her off the throne. It hurt, but I had no choice. That much is obvious. I took my time in declaring her successor even though I think I knew well before I made the official announcement that the hipstery chic Sienna Miller had taken the title. She sat on the throne for a full four years. It was a wondrous reign, a reign I just kind of assumed was never going to end, and I must stress I'll always have fond memories of her cigarette smoking, skinny jean wearing, red wine swilling ways. I wasn't looking to replace her. Truly, I wasn't. But......it's like when Johnny Cash saw June Carter. You can't argue with the heart, dear reader. That's an argument you can't win. And so I decided not to even try.

My new Official Cinematic Crush is Malin Akerman.

Perhaps it's the work of the fates or perhaps it's merely fantastic irony that I truly saw her for the first time in "The Romantics", an, ahem, Katie Holmes, film, or perhaps not, but I think from the moment I saw her as the live-wire Tripler climb into her friend's car via the window that my heart was aflutter and I think that at the moment she recited the line "I was headed for greatness, now I'm headed for a breakdown" I knew full well the days of the kingdom of Sienna Miller were already numbered. When she said that line, I swooned like a college football fan drunk on a bowl win.

She isn't English, which may seem weird given my known affinity for English ladies (though as my friend Ashley always points out, "Uh, Nick, you do realize not all English women are exactly like Sienna Miller, right?"), but she is Swedish/Canadian, and, as we all (should) know, no one makes dance music like the Swedes and no one at present makes music in general like the Canadians.

But don't be alarmed just because she's not British. She has tattoos. She drinks and she smokes as evidenced by her interview in an Esquire article in which speaking of meeting her future husband she says they would "sit for hours with a bottle of wine, a pack of cigarettes." So we're good. It is the same article in which she also says, and I quote, "I'm a tooth person... I like quirky teeth. My husband has little teeth with spaces in between them. He hates them and I love them. I like people with buckteeth, and I like it when they crinkle a bit. It's very charming." If you didn't know, and most of you wouldn't, I have, uh, let's say, a couple slightly crooked teeth. I can't believe I'm saying this but you know Kirsten Dunst's "fangs"? Yeah, my teeth are pretty much exactly like hers. And it's why in pretty much any photo ever taken of me I have a closed-mouth smile. And it's why I hate it when people taking those photos say "Is that your best smile?" I want to throw things at them. I'm a little self-conscious, okay? Back off. I mean, really, to paraphrase George Costanza in regards to his own Cinematic Crush, do you know what the odds are of any woman finding my teeth charming? No woman has ever found my teeth charming. But apparently this Malin Akerman loves men with messed up teeth! (Now I have an in!)

She seems genuine and honest. She's open about being dyslexic. She's forthright about how even though she fronted a band with her husband she "can't sing" and that the band itself really wasn't that good (and they're not - they're really, really not). And yet fronting a band indicates she digs music. We also know she digs music because she attended Coachella this year, which means she attends outdoor music festivals which is just a whole super sized milkshake of awesome. And let me be blunt, if she saw Yelle while she was there, I'll pass out. Do you hear me? I'll pass out right now.

If we could just get Sienna in between them......

IMDB indicates her five favorite films are as follows: "Annie Hall", "No Country For Old Men", "Pan's Labyrinth", "Dirty Dancing", and "Betty Blue." That's a f---ed up list. Respect.

And while there are any number of reasons a person might remember her from "The Heartbreak Kid" as Ben Stiller's not-quite-right new wife (a bad movie in which she's actually pretty darn good), I will never forget her in the car singing along to "Rosalita (Come Out Tonight)", my favorite Bruce Springsteen song. Prince defined the "look" as being something along the lines of a lady - to paraphrase - with a jamming face and a heck-a-slamming body. I define the "look" as a petite Swedish/Canadian blonde singing Springsteen in the car. That's really all I need.

So congratulations, Malin. And also, my utmost apologies. I'll do my best not to make this too awkward. Although that's probably precisely what I just did. But then it wouldn't be me if I wasn't making things awkward with a woman I liked.

Uh, Sienna Miller Is Apparently In Chicago

She's here! My official Cinematic Crush is here! In Chicago! In the city where I live! And not only is she here in the city where I live but whereas most "stars" are spotted in cities walking the dog or chatting on their cellphones, she was spotted in the city where I live......wait for it......buying a 12 pack of Miller High Life.

Oh, still my beating heart.

Granted, she was with her "boyfriend" Tom Sturridge but, seriously, have you seen that guy? I could take him in a fight and I can't take 4 year olds in a fight.

I'll take her out for a coffee. Hell, I'll buy her a scone too. And a copy of The New York Times.

It seems she has graced the city where I live to film "Just Like A Woman" in which she plays, ahem, "a Chicago housewife who transforms into a belly dancing teacher who enters a dancing competition in Las Vegas." Well, of course she does. Can you imagine her pitching this idea to potential backers?

Sienna: "...and I'll play a belly dancer."
Backer #1: "What do you know about belly dancing?"
Sienna: "What do you know about belly dancing?"
Backer #1: "Good point. We'll give you 6.5 million."

Screw fireworks and barbecues! I'm spending my 4th of July downtown! I'll stake out the bar at the Drake, case the lobby of the Peninsula, hang at the front desk of the Four Seasons. I'll find the chicest places on the Mag Mile and pretend like I'm supposed to be there.

Unless she goes to Deliliah's? What if she goes to Delilah's for a $3 Labatt & Maker's???

Achgh'ah'hghahjdh ahaghahg!!!

The possibilities are endless! But I'll find a way to make it happen! You're going down, Sturridge! She's mine! I'm engineering a Meet Cute with Sienna! Mark it down! Like Jeff Tweedy said, "Kiss and ride on the CTA." This'll be the best 4th of July ever! Except...

I'm going out of town this weekend.

How typical.

My "Conversation" With Sienna Miller

So, it turns out my friend Ashley, who you might remember as my fellow Kylie pilgrimager, knows a guy who knows a girl who is working on the production of the cinematic adaptation of Elmore Leonard's crime novel "Freaky Deaky", set to star my official Cinematic Crush Sienna Miller, a production taking place as we speak in, ahem, Detroit, a cool 283 miles from Chicago - a mere Megabus ride away.

Clearly, this is the only chance I will ever have to re-enact one of my all-time favorite movie scenes, a scene from, ahem, an Elmore Leonard adapted movie, making like George Clooney in "Out of Sight" tracking down JLo for a drink at that fancy-schmancy hotel bar overlooking the snow-infused sorta bright lights of The Motor City.

I'll search every bar in Detroit and eventually find Sienna Miller sitting beside a rain-pelted window, alone, cooly smoking a cigarette, sipping at a whiskey, and I'll stroll up in my custom made Zeglio suit, and say, "Can I buy you a drink?" At this point one of two things will occur.

1.) Sienna will mace my eyes and run away, at which point I will vow never to wash my eyes again.

...or...

2.) Sienna and I will have this conversation.

Sienna: "So long as you don't mind if I smoke."
Nick: "Mind? I encourage it."
Sienna: "You want one?" (Offers a cigarette.)
Nick: "No, no, no, I don't smoke."
Sienna: "But you're encouraging me to smoke? That doesn't make any bloody sense."
Nick: "I'm an enigma."
Sienna: "Yeah. I don't think so."

Nick: "Are you even allowed to smoke in here?"
Sienna: "They asked me to stop."
Nick: "What did you do?"
Sienna: "Blew smoke in their face."
Nick: "Sigh..."
Sienna: "Did you just say 'sigh' out loud?"
Nick: "Yes?"
Sienna: "You're having a cigarette or we don't have a drink."
Nick: "Okay, okay, okay!"

-He sits down, she hands him a cigarette and lights it. He takes a drag. Hacking coughs ensue.

Sienna: "Whiskey?" (Offering her glass.)
Nick: "What is it?"
Sienna: "Stagg. 141 Proof."
Nick: "Are you serious?"
Sienna: "This is my second."
Nick: "How is that even possible?!"
Sienna: "You're a bit daft, aren't you?"
Nick: "I was thinking something more along the line of......lower proof."
Sienna: "Weak toleranced Americans. You're all the same."
Nick: "No, no, no!!! We're not!!! I swear!!! I can handle it!!!"

-She slides the glass across the table to him. He takes a drink. Hacking coughs ensue. She grins.

Sienna: "This is going to be the night of your life."

-Nick passes out.

Please Let Sienna Get Freaky

There are only two shows on TV I religiously watch, NBC's "Parks and Recreation" and FX's "Justified." "Parks and Rec" I've covered now and again but as for "Justified", which is based on a short story by noted crime author Elmore Leonard, there is something about Timothy Olyphant as U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens, re-assigned to his hometown of Harlan, Kentucky, that draws me in. His charisma is so unforced, the way he tilts his forehead down while simultaneously tilting his eyes up, all with that smile that seems to say: "I'll have some peach cobbler, sure, but you make one wrong move and I'll stab you in the forehead with my dessert fork." He's the most good-hearted unrelenting badass on the airwaves.

I mention this because all last season while watching "Justified" I kept thinking to myself, over and over, "What if my official Cinematic Crush Sienna Miller starred in a film adaptation of an Elmore Leonard novel? How cool would that be?"

Okay, you got me. I never thought that a single time. Nevertheless, if the glorious rumors are to be believed, our darling Sienna might just be starring in a movie adaptation of an Elmore Leonard novel, "Freaky Deaky", in which she would apparently portray an ex 60's bomb making radical turned...wait for it...romance novelist.

Sienna Miller as an ex 60's bomb making radical turned romance novelist??? I'm there. Sign me up. Mark me down. Ticket bought. Paid for. Show me the way to the theater. Let's do this. She's gonna drink whiskey, right? I mean, I just assume bomb making making radicals drink whiskey.

Sienna Miller: Bomb Maker.

The Sienna Summer Blockbuster Tragedy

Apparently, in all their infinite wisdom, the "brains" behind "G.I. Joe 2" have decided not to invite Cinema Romantico's official Cinematic Crush Sienna Miller back to reprise her role as The Baroness.

Guess who's not going to a movie he wasn't going to go to anyway? Take that, Paramount!

I still haven't actually seen "G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra" but I'm sure Sienna Miller was very good.

Merman, Martin and....Miller

"So, my dear, you think you can get to Broadway. Well, let me tell you something, Broadway has no room for people like you. Not the Broadway I know! My Broadway takes people like you and eats them up and spits them out! My Broadway is the Broadway of Merman, and Martin, and Fontaine!"

So said Cosmo Kramer to the chronic crying Janice Graham, who undeservedly shot up the Broadway totem pole when George Costanza inadvertantly knocked out Bette Midler and, thus, knocked her out of the lead in "Rochelle, Rochelle: The Musical". ("When the naysayers nay you've got to pick up the pace! You say nothing's gonna stop me so get outta my face!")

You have to be a tough cookie to make it on Broadway, and when I think of tough cookies I think of a certain English chain smoking beauty who doesn't merely tell the paparazzi to bugger off but goes after them like Nebraska defensive tackle Ndamukong "Those Morons At ESPN Know How To Say My First Name Now" Suh goes after opposing ballcarriers.

If you were unaware, Cinema Romantico's official Cinematic Crush (i.e. Sienna Miller) makes her Broadway debut this evening in "After Miss Julie", a three character play written by Patrick Marber and based on an 1888 play by August Strindberg (Trivia Question of the Day: What movie character claimed that when it came to relationships he was "the winner of the August Strindberg Award?") in which she portrays a (surprise!) scandalous woman attempting to seduce her father's chaffeur.

After seeing her performance in "previews" the NY Daily News promptly termed it "sizzling". But one must wonder what will happen when the hardcore theater critics descend on the American Airlines Theater like vultures ready to lambast her before they've even hopped in the cab bound for midtown. Who knows?

But I'm not worried about her. As stated, Sienna's a tough cookie. (Hmmmm....what if Sienna Miller were a cookie? Why she'd be Red Wine Biscotti, of course.) She can take it. She survived "G.I. Joe". And if things do go bad for her, well, maybe I'll fly out to NYC, camp out with my best friend in Brooklyn, wander down to 42nd Street after one of the shows, buy her a scotch, and then present her my specially constructed Macaroni Miller.

Or not.